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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What are the logistics of cancelling a wedding?

542 replies

RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 08:52

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I'm chief bridesmaid for my best friend TODAY, AND SHE's just decided she can't go through with it. We're in a hotel,both of the families are here as well as quite a few of the guests. Apparently drowning myself in prosecco is not an option, so I need practical advice.

OP posts:
becausebecausebecause · 10/06/2017 10:41

If it's practical advice you need, your duties as bridesmaid are over, there is no bride. This is her mess, let her sort it out instead of jetting of to NYC. Strewth, the double standards on Mumsnet know no bounds.

TheDuckSaysMoo · 10/06/2017 10:43

My first priority would be to make sure the best man knows about the decision and that you are taking care of the practicalities (in case you both end up duplicating efforts). Free him up to support the groom. Good luck.

JustHereForThePooStories · 10/06/2017 10:45

Bride sounds like a complete drama llama.

OhTheRoses · 10/06/2017 10:46

Is there insurance?

YouTheCat · 10/06/2017 10:48

Tbh, I don't think I'd be helping with anything. She has made this mess so she can sort it out.

Babbitywabbit · 10/06/2017 10:49

Why is anyone giving a shit about the money? The OP said the bride paid for the entire wedding. Trying to claw any money back on her behalf would be the last thing on my mind. Specially as she's jetting off to NY tomorrow

KoalasAteMyHomework · 10/06/2017 10:49

OhTheRoses
Insurance doesn't tend to cover if you just change your mind. Its normally if something happens with a supplier, or if theres sickness or death in the family.
I'd start calling suppliers and any guests who may not have started travelling yet.

GabsAlot · 10/06/2017 10:49

i wouldnt ring round for her-her decision she can cancel everything

no she shouldnt marry him but seeing as she thought about this for awhile id say she selfish to leave it till today
an running off the day after is a bit off

specialsubject · 10/06/2017 10:51

No one should be forced to marry, but someone allegedly adult enough to get this far can sort their own mess.

Best man to support groom, cancel ceremony etc but make no effort to get refunds. Stop attendees if you can (probably way too late) and throw food open to anyone who wants it.

Belmo · 10/06/2017 10:54

What an appalling thing to do Sad

SoupDragon · 10/06/2017 10:55

It's typical fucking MN anyway. If a bloke did this to a woman he'd be called a total bastard and she'd get masses of sympathy but because it's a woman doing it she's all brave and amazing

Absolutely.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 10/06/2017 10:55

I guess people are talking about money because the groom probably paid some too, also because paying it off would probably be part of the shard finances he was anticipated from being married...

FavouriteWasteofSlime · 10/06/2017 10:55

So the bride is jetting off to New York and leaving everyone else (you) to clear up the mess. Nice.

PacificDogwod · 10/06/2017 10:56

Leave the bride to it.

Her decision, a decision she is perfectly entitled to make, but equally her mess to sort out.

You sound upset too, so Brew and Thanks to you.

Xmasbaby11 · 10/06/2017 10:59

I'd let her get on with it. You say she's calm - she can deal with the practicalities as much as possible. Certainly refunds aren't going to happen and imo any money the groom put in, the bride should pay back to him.

I don't have any sympathy as I don't believe it's only occurred to her now. I think it's extremely cruel as it creates a public drama and humiliated the groom. She had doubts before, clearly, and decided to put them out of her head. Not to mention the trouble and expense the guests have gone to for the wedding day. I'd be disgusted with her tbh.

PacificDogwod · 10/06/2017 11:00

A friend's sister did this on the day of her wedding.
Her father had to tell a full church of people that there was not going to be a wedding.
She had been living with the man she was going to marry for 7 years, she had met somebody else at work to whom she has now been married for 15+ years.
I cannot imagine how much hurt she caused her 'first' groom, I know her family struggled for ages with the fall-out, both emotional and financial.

It is an incredibly twattish thing to do.
And I think it is to do with the fact that people get SO carried away with The Wedding, that they forget about the marriage that is to follow.

Hope 'your' groom with recover and in time consider it a lucky escape Thanks

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 10/06/2017 11:00

I feel incredibly sorry for the groom, but what is the bride supposed to do? Go through with it? Splitting up now will be - legally - a LOT easier and cheaper than if they go through with the marriage and then split tomorrow.

Sometimes people get dragged along with things and it's only at the very last minute that they 'wake up'. BIL's marriage to his first wife lasted a year. They'd been together for a very long time, engaged for ages, house bought in joint names and had a lovely wedding. Almost a year to the day he found out that she'd been having an affair and had only gone through with it because she felt that she had to. He was devastated as he felt that it was a complete mockery of having got married at all and said he's rather that she'd called it off pre-wedding. He's now happily remarried but it took a long time for him to propose and he had several conversations with his DW because he was paranoid in case she was only going through the motions.

I also work with two blokes who have called off their weddings - one a fortnight in advance and one the day before. Both had good reasons for doing so and although I feel awfully sorry for the brides involved, I think it's better to be honest upfront rather than being carried along.

You sound like a good friend OP and if you can help with organising and cancelling things then this will also support the groom as he won't have to worry about any of it - and nor should he. I do agree with the other posters that your friend needs to roll her sleeves up and bear the brunt of the administrative burden, because the groom's head is going to be completely all over the place. Therefore it's only fair to take all of the hassle away from him so that he can try and come to terms with what's happened.

happilyeverafta · 10/06/2017 11:00

If the wedding is in the hotel you're at, or at another hotel, you should contact the Wedding Co-ordinator or at least the hotel manager. Whilst they won't tell the registrar for you (they may, but as a wedding manager I'm not permitted too) they can set ball in motion with kitchen, florists etc anyone that's coming to venue.

Same applies I guess if church and then onto a hotel after.

Hope she is ok

theredjellybean · 10/06/2017 11:01

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Bluedabbadee · 10/06/2017 11:01

Her priority should be ensuring her guests are not left out of pocket.

TheDiamondMumcrafter · 10/06/2017 11:01

I think the bride has done a cruel thing too. She must have had doubts already and it's really shitty to destroy the grooms life in front of friends and family. My BIL cancelled his first wedding to my SIL. They needed more time before marriage. They did go on to marry but difference was they postponed the first wedding a few weeks in advance not on the day. OP I would let the bride sort out the mess. You shouldn't be doing it her behalf.

Maryann1975 · 10/06/2017 11:02

I was bridesmaid at a wedding that should never have happened. even on the morning of the wedding I remember thinking that it shouldn't be happening. Within a few months the cracks in their relationship were massive and well within a year they were separated. The bride later admitted she wished she had been bRave enough to cancel even at the last minute, she said it would have been far easier to call it off than to be divorcing and to have to be reminded what a coward she had been by not cancelling every time she had to refer to herself as divorcee. It also took the shine of her next wedding a bit, which is perfect has resulted in a perfect marriage.
I do think that your friend needs to step up though. The groom shouldn't be doing anything today except getting drunk well away from anything wedding related.

mydietstartsmonday · 10/06/2017 11:03

If everything is paid for I think it is up to the groom to decide if he wants to cancel everything or keep the reception going for those who have traveled from afar. If it is a hotel and people are staying in the hotel they would be great full for the refreshments and agree with the future others if food can be donated but the logistics of that might be difficult.
Good luck with everything.

Babbitywabbit · 10/06/2017 11:10

Boyfromthebigcity... the OP posted this;

"And she paid for the entire thing so she's very aware of how much money has been wasted."

VapingForEngland · 10/06/2017 11:12

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