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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What are the logistics of cancelling a wedding?

542 replies

RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 08:52

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I'm chief bridesmaid for my best friend TODAY, AND SHE's just decided she can't go through with it. We're in a hotel,both of the families are here as well as quite a few of the guests. Apparently drowning myself in prosecco is not an option, so I need practical advice.

OP posts:

Papafran · 10/06/2017 18:18

so she should stay around for a few days and help with the mess and fall out

hulababy could you give some examples of the things you would expect her to do during these few days?

I can't believe some of the posters saying that they would end the friendship over this. Jeez- who needs enemies. You are supposed to be there for your friends- even if you don't agree completely with their choices.

7461Mary18 · 10/06/2017 18:20

There are legal issues too - such as who has contracted to pay for hotel rooms and if wedding presents will be given back to those who gave them.

Babbitywabbit · 10/06/2017 18:22

Where's the OP?!

BillSykesDog · 10/06/2017 18:22

Maybe if it is the 1950s and you live in a small village. People will get over it. It's much better that some people talk about you for a few months than going through a very serious legal and possibly religious ceremony that you don't want to. It really, really is.

Bollocks. I've got experience of this happening to someone and it would have been better if she'd gone through with it then told him quietly that night she thought it was a mistake and requested an annulment. You can do it on the basis of non-consummation and it just cancels the wedding out. It would have been even better if she'd picked any of the days between getting engaged and the actual wedding day. Just done it in some way which allowed a little bit of dignity and privacy for the person being dumped.

It allows your fiancé/e to avoid public humiliation and the sum total of the result is the same as if you never married. The only downside is that you don't get the attention and drama which I suspect 99 times out of 100 is the real behind this sort of dramatic gesture.

And no, the talking isn't something you can avoid unless you live in a 1950s village. The whole bloody point of weddings is that you invite all your nearest and dearest and it's a public event. Every single one of your friends will know. Every member of your family will know. For most people your colleagues would know and your neighbours will know. It's not like it's something you can hide away. And people do talk. They all want to know why it's happened and there is a big assumption (as we've seen on here several times) that the person being dumped is somehow in the wrong or must have done something to deserve it. My BIL had to go back and face every single one of those people again knowing they'd all been talking and speculating on the ins and outs of his private life and hearing rumours.

It's just rotten. It really is. Doing that to someone on that one day when you can just utterly humiliate them in the worst way possible is just the actions of a complete shitbag. Unless they have done something really, really nasty there is absolutely no justification for treating another human being like that.

Papafran · 10/06/2017 18:23

There are legal issues too - such as who has contracted to pay for hotel rooms and if wedding presents will be given back to those who gave them

Um, that's not a legal issue. A gift is a gift. You could try to sue though- best of luck.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 18:24

Where's the OP?!

Well given that she is the bridesmaid at a wedding that has just been cancelled at the last second, I would imagine she is quite busy right now

Malfoyy · 10/06/2017 18:26

If I were the groom I'd be continuing with all the festivities bar the ceremony, already paid for after all, and celebrating the lucky escape - bless him.

Lucky escape as in if she'd gone through with it with cold feet they'd be facing divorce pretty quick. One of DH friends bride went through with a wedding when she already knew she didn't want to and it was a train wreck. Far worse for the groom in the end. Better to do it now although a shame it's on the day!

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2017 18:26

bill don't you think the friends and family will all talk about how they were at a sham wedding that was annulled the next day?

It must worse for the person who gets dumped to have gone through what they think is the happiest day of their lives and then find out it was all for shoe when they leave their guests.

I agree calling the wedding off much earlier is a much kinder option but faced with have the wedding and pretend it's all real or call if off before, I can't agree with your position.

RedheadLover · 10/06/2017 18:29

OP, when you get the opportunity, please please update!

Scaredycat3000 · 10/06/2017 18:31

Maybe if it is the 1950s and you live in a small village
But many small villages are like living in the 1950's.The gossip and judgements are from a bygone era, whatever era we're in. That's a fundamental difference between those in the big town and those in the quant village. Would you rather live even a mildly alternative life in a city or in a village? I know who judges me most on a personal and a community level.

Papafran · 10/06/2017 18:31

I've got experience of this happening to someone and it would have been better if she'd gone through with it then told him quietly that night she thought it was a mistake and requested an annulment

Sorry about what happened to your BIL, but that is one experience. I would be equally/more gutted if someone told me ON MY WEDDING NIGHT that the entire ceremony was a sham and they wanted the marriage annulled. And surely all the guests and family would find out what happened pretty soonish?

Leaving aside the ethically troubling part of making vows that you do not mean or intend to keep.

My BIL had to go back and face every single one of those people again knowing they'd all been talking and speculating on the ins and outs of his private life and hearing rumours

I seriously don't think it's the scandal you make it out to be. Yes, it will be the source of gossip but so are affairs, divorces, splits, getting fired etc. I would be more worried about my relationship breaking down than people talking about it. Plus, they would definitely talk if you were dumped on your wedding night, hours after the ceremony.

Additionally, in the case of non-consummation, you cannot rely on your own refusal to consummate the marriage- only the other person's. Therefore, it would have to be the groom bringing the nullity petition (which involves the same paperwork as a divorce and a court fee). So, not only do you get dumped on your wedding night, hours after a ceremony that turned out to be a lie, you also have to be the one who deals with bringing a nullity petition to court. But oh wait, people might not be talking about you as much.

VestalVirgin · 10/06/2017 18:34

If it were me, I would have feigned a heart attack or sudden illness that prevented the ceremony from going ahead. I am sure this has happened many times in reality. Saves all the humiliation.

Sounds like a good idea, but would only work if the bridegroom is a decent person and just not a good fit, and would go along with it. (You can't really call an ambulance when nothing happened!) Which may not be the case in all cases of cancelled wedding.

This all shows very nicely why it is an extremely bad idea to make a very expensive party dependant on your willingness to legally tie yourself to a dude.

The threat of all this big disappointment for the guests being YOUR fault and YOU having to pay for EVERYTHING because YOU didn't go through with it ... is a very effective way of making sure women who have doubts about marrying a guy do it anyway.

ziggy1986 · 10/06/2017 18:36

I was "jilted" two weeks before a wedding and even that was devastating. I was totally humiliated. And it is so much less common than divorce that I do think there is a bit of a stigma attached like Bill has said.

Xanadu44 · 10/06/2017 18:39

Some of the replies on here!! She's cancelling a wedding not killing anyone. The people who think she should just marry him astound me, yes it's awful for the groom but I really don't think she should marry him just because of "gossip" or because the guests would be annoyed that they had turned up already!! It's not ideal, obviously, but it's a wedding at the end of the day. It's the marriage that's the important part and she obviously had her reasons for not wanting to go through with it. I hope you're ok OP and that your friend is and that the groom is. All this extra talk of "karma" and infertility being wished upon her and how the groom will never get over it is just over-dramatic when you don't know the people. Yes I feel for the groom but surely someone marrying him to save face and then divorcing him soon after wouldn't be great either?? Good luck OP! You sound like a great friend, she is lucky to have you.

FavouriteWasteofSlime · 10/06/2017 18:40

Maybe if it is the 1950s and you live in a small village
But many small villages are like living in the 1950's.The gossip and judgements are from a bygone era, whatever era we're in.

Absolutely! Villages are full of gossip. Everyone knows everyone and people remember things that happened years ago and still hold a grudge. Plus after 20 years you can still be classed as an outsider.

Yes I'm from a small rural village.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/06/2017 18:44

Papafran and Purpledaises

She should be staying around to make sure that everything gets paid, as well as thanking those that have travelled any distance for coming, also wishing them a safe journey back.

She should be booking somewhere else to sleep tonight and making sure that her stuff is removed from their house and looking for somewhere else to live.

Or at least staying so that they can put their home on the market as soon as possible or paying him his share to move out so that they can move on.

mcdog · 10/06/2017 18:45

This thread is a right rollercoaster of responses. For what it's worth, I think she has done the right thing, all be it in a shitty way.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/06/2017 18:45

sorting out any joint bank accounts so that they can be split or put back in to the name of who ever has them first would be another thing.

Papafran · 10/06/2017 18:46

Boney she isn't leaving until tomorrow. Are the guests going to be sticking around for longer than that? Can they not be told today, apologies issued etc? Can payment not be done over the phone or online?

Papafran · 10/06/2017 18:48

sorting out any joint bank accounts so that they can be split or put back in to the name of who ever has them first would be another thing

This and putting the house on the market and finding alternative accommodation is something that needs longer than a few days and it is a very good idea for them to have some distance from one another so that they can handle these things in a calmer manner.

BillSykesDog · 10/06/2017 18:48

hulababy could you give some examples of the things you would expect her to do during these few days?

I can given I've been in that situation. Contacting guests to apologise that they were inconvenienced and discuss how to return presents. Try and salvage anything which is resaleable to recoup some costs. Dealing with suppliers to see if there is an wiggle room for rebates. Speaking to the wedding list holder re refunds to guests and return of goods. Boxing up things physically which need to be returned. Arrange split of possessions and who is moving where. Sorting out and splitting furniture. Dealing with the legal side of tenancies or house sales. At this point of a wedding there is a big tendency for various possessions of the couple to be in different locations like family's houses, hotels etc, etc and this stuff needs ferrying about and dealing with. Dealing with concerned nosey phone calls from guests and other people probing for info.

And most importantly things like this also have a habit of having nasty stings in the tail which don't come out immediately which are often just as distressing as the initial event.

Hulababy · 10/06/2017 18:49

Papafran - I already did, briefly, on a previous post

BeaLola · 10/06/2017 18:50

For those saying just get it annulled afterwards it still has repercussions e.g. If you ever get married in the future it will say "previous marriage annulled" on your certificate which isn't great for you to be reminded about and everyone that sees it will comment on it as you hardly ever se it written on a certifictae

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2017 18:50

She should be staying around to make sure that everything gets paid, as well as thanking those that have travelled any distance for coming, also wishing them a safe journey back.

Everyone was paid in full a few days before my wedding. The op has already said the bride has already paid everything in full.

I think under the circumstances people won't mind being not being wished a safe journey home.

She should be booking somewhere else to sleep tonight and making sure that her stuff is removed from their house and looking for somewhere else to live

Or at least staying so that they can put their home on the market as soon as possible or paying him his share to move out so that they can move on.

Come on. Do people who split up sort this out the day afterwards? She needs to give him space and she has.

ziggy1986 · 10/06/2017 18:51

Also her fiancé might need more from her emotionally than a half hour conversation.

He may have questions or just want to discuss things in more detail and tbh she owes him that. Shouldn't be getting on a plane really.

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