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Original poster

What are the logistics of cancelling a wedding?

542 replies

RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 08:52

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I'm chief bridesmaid for my best friend TODAY, AND SHE's just decided she can't go through with it. We're in a hotel,both of the families are here as well as quite a few of the guests. Apparently drowning myself in prosecco is not an option, so I need practical advice.

OP posts:
LackBladder · 10/06/2017 15:12

blonde I know you don't need to have ESTA paperwork but you have to have one.

They last 2+ years in most cases. OP has said that they've travelled to NYC many times. I'd imagine there's a pretty strong chance that the (non) bride has one, or she wouldn't have just booked a flight on a whim. One would have to be pretty daft not to be aware of this basic requirement when travelling to the US.

viques · 10/06/2017 15:25

Anyone else wondering what is going to happen to the wedding cake, I loves a bit of wedding cake I do, especially a traditional fruit cake with marzipan and proper icing. Could just manage a slice or two (they are always so blumming microscopic) of wedding cake now.....

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/06/2017 15:26

sonjadog

I don't think she should have gone through with it,

I do believe that she should be dealing with the whole of the mess and not just today.

SasBel · 10/06/2017 15:27

29Palms not just the fail, Huff post was quoting OurBlanche the other week!
Think we are a step up from reddit.....Grin
Re. The OP, hopefully she is ok and having a well deserved drink.

wickerlampshade · 10/06/2017 15:38

If I had forked out for a dress, hotel, traveled, got my hair etc done, bought a gift probally raking up £500 or so it usually costs to go to a wedding

Really? You buy a new outfit and get your hair done specially for every wedding you go to. Blimey. I pick something out of the cupboard, wash my hair in the shower, buy a present and head off. £500 is madness.

oohloolala · 10/06/2017 15:43

If I was he groom I'd have the whole wedding, apart from the ceremony. Meal, toasts, dancing, the lot. In a shitty situation like this he needs family friends and alcohol. Nothing worse than just going home. So I'd run it by him before you start cancelling.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 15:47

I wanted to call my first wedding off the night/morning before.

I just kind of happened to me. Ex decided to ask my father before asking me and they were so thrilled that saying no wasnt an option, or at least it felt like that. The wedding was organised with almost no input from me and I felt like it wasnt really happening. Then the night before it hit me that this really was going to happen and I didnt want to do it. But backing out was impossible, if you knew my family you would understand why. He was jealous, paranoid and controlling, it was a horrible time. The whole relationship from first date to divorce was less than three years .

ziggy1986 · 10/06/2017 15:49

Well said Bill.

She's not "brave" at all.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 15:49

Sorry, there was a point.......my point is that perhaps it wasnt until she was about to start getting ready that it hit her too. If she was carried away in planning this wonderful event it may be that she shelved the fact that it involved her actually committing to this man for the rest of her life. Still bloody horrible to do it and then fuck off to the other side of the world instead of staying and facing the music though. Very cowardly.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 15:51

I agree too that its up to the groom what happens now. If he wants to go ahead with the party then thats what should happen. She has thrown a bomb into his life and she has absolutely no say in anything he chooses to do afterwards.

DarthMaiden · 10/06/2017 15:51

The reality is the reception is paid for and a lot of people may have had long journeys to get to and return from the event.

As such I'd I suggest the food was served anyway for the afternoon. Speak to the event manager there may be a way to do this to make it less formal - perhaps the food could be served Buffett style for example.

If there is an evening event planned I'd start ringing round to get that cancelled. People attending that are likely to be more local.

If there is a wedding list with someone then I'd be calling to ask about returns. Presumably gifts will not have been unwrapped. Any other gifts given need to be collected and catalogued to enable the giver the opportunity to get a refund.

There are my practical suggestions.

Emotionally I'm with Bill on this. I think it's a shitty thing to do on the day.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 10/06/2017 15:53

I wouldn't be worrying about the practicalities, I'd be leaving her to it as it would be the end of the friendship. I couldn't remain friends with someone as cruel as that.

therootoftheroot · 10/06/2017 16:01

*If I had forked out for a dress, hotel, traveled, got my hair etc done, bought a gift probally raking up £500 or so it usually costs to go to a wedding

Really? You buy a new outfit and get your hair done specially for every wedding you go to. Blimey. I pick something out of the cupboard, wash my hair in the shower, buy a present and head off. £500 is madness.*

how many weddings do ou go to? Are you going every week?

For me a wedding is a rare thing.

Am going to wedding of a close family member this summer. So far have had to pay 200 quid for a hotel room because so far away. !00 quid for a gift. I need a new outfit because my wardrobe isn't full of wedding outfits. My son needs something to wear.
petrol to get down there-4 hour drive and back.
easily 500 quid.

spiney · 10/06/2017 16:12

I find it adds up too Root.

Lucky you with the wardrobe of outfits Whicker.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2017 16:13

I wish to God I'd had her courage! I knew I was making a mistake when I married my ex. Even my parents were asking me 'are you sure? You can still change your mind' up until the last minute.

For those saying she should have gone through with it then filed for an annulment, that's the same as saying that if a doctor discovers at the last minute a patient doesn't really need an operation, the surgery should go forward because the surgery suite is already prepped and the team is there standing by. Ridiculous.

BillSykesDog · 10/06/2017 16:13

I wonder what sex the friend in NY is? The OP almost studiously avoids using any sort of pronoun which might indicate. Hmm....

rightwhine · 10/06/2017 16:16

Hope it's going ok.

bobbybaby2017 · 10/06/2017 16:20

I've not read the whole thread but have read all the OP's posts.

I understand some people don't think it's fair to the groom and it's not but imagine being a bride, getting married and then having your new husband tell you the next day he's been having an affair! You're marriage lasts less than 24 hours and you have to go through the cost of getting divorced.

Better to stop before you say I do.

bobbybaby2017 · 10/06/2017 16:20

Your not you're

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/06/2017 16:23

bobbybaby2017

not sure where you're getting the groom is cheating from.

Given the (very little) information that we have it could easily be the bride that is cheating.

ShakingAndShocked · 10/06/2017 16:31

I wouldn't presume to know the reasons why Bride has backed out and the reality is that none of you do either.

I do know that I had horrible doubts from a good few weeks before wedding to Ex-DH AND that I articulated them but everyone - and I do mean EVERYONE from my DM to my best friend to my very trusted Aunt - told me it was like that for them, last minute jitters, etc etc.

So I went ahead only to enter a marriage that ended in an explosion far far bigger than any caused by infidelity or pretty much anything else you can think of. So I think she is doing the only right and fair thing she can do under circs, namely cancelling now.

I agree that ideally it would have been sooner but, y'know, if wishes were horses and all that.

And I add my voice to PP's in terms of the PP who wished infertility upon the Bride; what an utterly horrific and disgusting utterance - likewise the PP who said she hoped Bride would be: '40, single, childless' as it that is somehow the end of the world. It's 2017 people, many people are precisely that directly through choice; please don't define someone's worth or quality of life by their marital status FFS.

wickerlampshade · 10/06/2017 16:43

I don't have a wardrobe of outfits. I have about 3 dresses and if I go to a wedding I choose one of them! Why on earth does every wedding need a new outfit?

Papafran · 10/06/2017 16:44

So it is true that marriage means nothing then... If BillSykes etc are suggesting it is better to go through with it, LYING when saying your vows and getting divorced at the first opportunity to spare the feelings of the groom (who will of course be delighted when the bride tells him shortly after the wedding that she doesn't want to marry him). What about the fact that you are promising something that you have zero intention of fulfilling?

As for the hideous comments about wishing infertility on the bride, words fail me. To say something like that, you must be a truly vile person at your core. Oh and for you information, marriage and kids is NOT everyone's idea of a happy life, including maybe this bride. But to hope that she has medical troubles because she doesn't want to go through with something as huge as promising to be legally bound to another person for life, is disgusting.

bobbybaby2017 · 10/06/2017 16:46

I'm not for one minute suggesting anyone cheated however if the groom I knew had called it off earlier it would have saved a lot of heartache.

If there are doubts or any reason not to get married, say it before it's too late and this is clearly what this bride has done.

My example was to demonstrate what can happen if you go through with something you have doubts about

Sunnymeg · 10/06/2017 16:51

Has this come as a shock to the bride and grooms parents, or is there some underlying relief? It needs the whole of the wedding party to man up and help the other guests with practicalities. I haven't been to a wedding where one party was jilted, but I did go to one where the actual wedding gift didn't take place due to a problem with the paperwork, which was only discovered a few days before. The actual reception took place with wedding photos etc and the bride and groom went on honeymoon and then came home and married in a registry office about a month later. That was a very strange day and the atmosphere between the bride and grooms parents was very strained, especially as it turned out to be the bride's fault that it had all gone wrong. Obviously trying to have a party for a wedding that will never take place will be even harder.

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