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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What are the logistics of cancelling a wedding?

542 replies

RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 08:52

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I'm chief bridesmaid for my best friend TODAY, AND SHE's just decided she can't go through with it. We're in a hotel,both of the families are here as well as quite a few of the guests. Apparently drowning myself in prosecco is not an option, so I need practical advice.

OP posts:
CalmShambala · 10/06/2017 12:22

She has dealt him the ultimate humiliation in front of his family and friends. He won't get over it.

I know a few lovely men who were dumped and cheated on who went on to find someone better, be happy and have children. The women who dumped them are now in their 40's, single and childless. Karma is a bitch.

Raspberriesaretheonlyfruit · 10/06/2017 12:23

Why bother inviting people to celebrate then if it's not their business?

I wonder why she paid for the whole thing. Surely that's something you do as a couple. Seems like grand gestures are her thing.

Salmotrutta · 10/06/2017 12:27

I agree with others - she is only brave if she faces the music and sorts the whole mess out herself.
I also agree that if the sexes were reversed and it was the groom doing this the MN ire would have been evident from the first reply and nobody would have called the groom "brave".

A friend of our was jilted many years ago and it followed him around for many a year (small town).
It took ages for him to get past that and meet and marry someone else.

AnnetteCurtains · 10/06/2017 12:28

We don't know what's gone on
Theres probably a massive story behind this

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 10/06/2017 12:29

I think caterers and flowrd shouldnmt be cancelled - it's all
Paid for, the guests spent a ton getting ready for the wedding - let them have the party.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2017 12:29

Does she have to tell them everything? No she doesn't

But she should be the one to field the calls.

Field the calls from who? Do people honestly ring up a couple who have just split up to grill them about why?

VestalVirgin · 10/06/2017 12:30

Friends of mine got married at the registry office, and then had the big fancy wedding party and church ceremony later. Seems like the more sensible way to do it.

I'd suggest to just have a party, as it'd be hard to cancel all the preparations. (As friend of the bride, I wouldn't mind at all if I was told it was just going to be a big fancy party and not a wedding anymore, but then, I am not a big fan of marriage in general, anyway)

Probably most people would feel different, though.

Help her cancel it, definitely, and don't try to persuade her to go through with it.

Just tell her to next time separate the party and church ceremony from the legal registration of the marriage. (If that is possible? In Germany, it is, but not sure about UK)

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2017 12:30

Why bother inviting people to celebrate then if it's not their business?

I meant the details of of the split.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 10/06/2017 12:32

I'm just posting for the removal message. Apart from anything else, it's possibly pretty identifying, daily fail fodder, and certain posters such as MissE have spouted some godawful bile about 'karma'.

worridmum · 10/06/2017 12:32

She swans off to new York and he has to deal with all the fallout

McTufty · 10/06/2017 12:33

Wow. I am wincing thinking of how the groom must be feeling right now. The excitement of waking up on your wedding morning and then... ouch. Ouch ouch ouch.

This whole "he'll get over it and move on" is very glib. If he does, it will likely be after months of agony, and actually lots of people never fully recover from something this awful, see billsykesdog for an example.

That said if it were my friend I would absolutely help her. I think the main thing will be sticking up for her and shielding her from guests who are either angry or being nosy.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/06/2017 12:33

My sister recently confided in me she had massive doubts on the day of her wedding but she went through with it. A few red flags: he was possessive and horrible to a couple of her longstanding male friends. It was dismissed as him just being sooo in love with her.

A couple of years down the line he revealed himself as a violent controlling shit. Trust your gut I reckon.

MargaretCavendish · 10/06/2017 12:35

I know a few lovely men who were dumped and cheated on who went on to find someone better, be happy and have children. The women who dumped them are now in their 40's, single and childless. Karma is a bitch.

Karma might be a bitch, but women who think that being married to the wrong person is better than being 'single and childless' are both bitches and pathetic.

Bumbumtaloo · 10/06/2017 12:38

My DH has always said he shouldn't have gone through with his first wedding, even his mum tried to talk him out of it. I won't go into detail as I assume (like others) that the Daily Mail will probably pick this thread up and it's not fair on DH or his ex for me to have their issues put in the press!

MissEDashwood what a disgusting thing to say.

Salmotrutta · 10/06/2017 12:39

PurpleDaisies - I If I were the Bride in question I can imagine lots of my extended family members like great aunt, cousins etc. who would be puzzled/bewildered at a turn of events like this who would ring me/my folks wanting to know what was going on.
(Obviously it's not me but I have an idea how my family and friends might have reacted if this had happened before DH and I got hitched)
Obviously all families are different and would react in varied ways.

VestalVirgin · 10/06/2017 12:39

I also agree that if the sexes were reversed and it was the groom doing this the MN ire would have been evident from the first reply and nobody would have called the groom "brave".

Possibly because leaving a woman who might be pregnant and have relied on her husband for financial support, is a very, very, very shitty thing to do that will ruin her life, while leaving a man who has always earned his own money and is 100% guaranteed to not be pregnant with the bride's child, is somewhat shitty but will not cause him any financial consequences?

There is a large difference there, at the very least historically.

I'd not judge a man for cancelling a wedding that his parents paid for (another thing to take into consideration!) if I knew for certain that he hadn't had piv with the bride at any point, so no risk of pregnancy, and she had not given up her career to be with him.

But I would still not call him brave, for the simple reason that while men very often kill women for breaking up with them, women rarely ever do anything worse than scratching a man's car if he leaves them.

nostringstoholdmedown · 10/06/2017 12:41

The women who dumped them are now in their 40's, single and childless. Karma is a bitch.

Firstly karma is a bitch is the most stupid statement made. Karma isn't about revenge.

What about the single 40 year old women with no children who was nothing but faithful? Or who lost her partner early in life? Cannot have children?

Regardless of their circumstances they are still single, childless and 40. A situation which you seem is ok to sneer at and feel superior to.

McTufty · 10/06/2017 12:42

vestal

Are you serious?

fannydaggerz · 10/06/2017 12:44

I hope everything gets sorted quickly to not draw out the process on the ex bride and ex groom.

Salmotrutta · 10/06/2017 12:45

Oh come on Vestal

I don't know any women in the 40 years since I left school who gave a career up before getting married.
I know you said historically but that's not what this situation is about.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/06/2017 12:49

PurpleDaisies

Field the calls from who? Do people honestly ring up a couple who have just split up to grill them about why?

From friends and relatives who (if they are like a few on this thread) are worried that there must be a back story (i.e that he must be abusive) or are just concerned and want to make sure that they (she) is ok.

VestalVirgin · 10/06/2017 12:50

If anyone did this to one of my sons , I would hunt them down and kill them.

Statistically, it'd be more likely that your son would do this.

Which might be the reason why she booked a flight to NY.

I mean, I don't know the details of this relationship, but presumably there's a reason why she doesn't want to go through with it. Might be abusive tendencies.
Might be in-laws that will react like you.

... and I also hope that there will be no "fallout" to "deal with".

I haven't ever gone to a wedding that was so expensive that I'd be angry at the person who cancelled it rather than relieved that they realized they didn't want to get married before the wedding.

One day before is rather late, but one day after would be worse.

And I certainly wouldn't call the person who didn't cancel the wedding to ask them why.

(I probably wouldn't ask the person who did cancel it, either. I am not very close to the partners of my friends, and would be too busy comforting my friend to berate their partner.)

Depechemole · 10/06/2017 12:53

There are some wonderful people on Mumsnet.
Very few of them are on this thread.

therootoftheroot · 10/06/2017 12:56
  • mean, I don't know the details of this relationship, but presumably there's a reason why she doesn't want to go through with it. Might be abusive tendencies. Might be in-laws that will react like you.

this is just classic mumsnet

woman behaves in a truly atrocious manner, andsomeone says it's because the bloke is probably abusive.

Bloke leaves the loo seat up, everyone says leave the bastard

VestalVirgin · 10/06/2017 12:56

I don't know any women in the 40 years since I left school who gave a career up before getting married.
I know you said historically but that's not what this situation is about.

I would hope we are in different times now, but there's plenty of mumsnet threads by women who gave up their career without even a promise of marriage, thinking it was progressive.

And presumably those women and their mothers are the ones who'd be angry at a man for cancelling a wedding.

If one of my friends had her (legally binding) wedding canceled by the bridegroom, I'd make some appropriate angry noises to show my loyalty to her, but in fact think she'd be better off without him.

From friends and relatives who (if they are like a few on this thread) are worried that there must be a back story (i.e that he must be abusive) or are just concerned and want to make sure that they (she) is ok.

Well, they can phone her in New York just as well. She's not cowardly for running away from concerned friends and relatives.

And she's also not throwing him to the wolves - I mean, if you were worried your friend's partner might be abusive, would you call him to ask about it?