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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or does this look like my husband has contacted an escort for sex??

406 replies

FeellikeLTB · 09/06/2017 20:23

Sorry for rambling but I'm shaking and fuming right now.

Hubby came home today from working abroad and I've just seen this screenshot in his IPad gallery. (Not snooping, daughter and I were scrolling through pics on there from when we last visited)
We are at his mothers for the night and it's the first time he's seen her in 10 months so I don't want to make a scene.
I have confronted him and at first he looked confused like I was showing him a picture of a fucking dog with 3 heads and said "I don't know" Hmm then he said "it's a long story". I told him I didn't want to hear it and I wanted him to drive us home after we'd eaten and he could stay at his mums.
He's now gone upstairs in his old bedroom because he's tired from the flight, bless him Angry And I'm sat downstairs with his mum and sister who hardly speak English entertaining our 6 year old daughter.
I want to smother him with a pillow but I'm not insured to drive the car.
So AIBU to think this is him looking for a shag while he's working away?
And what should I do?

AIBU or does this look like my husband has contacted an escort for sex??
OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/06/2017 00:29

Indeed, Helena

So what if he is religious ? Since when was that a guarantee of upstanding morals ? Fucking joke, that one.

TheHobbitMum · 10/06/2017 01:26

Sorry OP he's lying, I'm sure you know that though. Could you check bank account for that day to see if money was withdrawn? Online banking would have the statements ready to download so would be easy to see what call had been withdrawn by him.

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/06/2017 01:28

he's lying and deep down you know it.

he's also the worst kind of hypocrite - fasting and swearing on your child's life whilst breaking his marriage vows with prostitutes. He has no respect for his religion or your marriage which is clearly a sham.

Stick your head in the sand if you want but at least own it.

Think about the example you are setting for your DD.

user1491260401 · 10/06/2017 01:33

This thread has made me feel really sad. It prompted me to do some research and apparently the UAE is a particularly problematic area for sex trafficking and prostitution. It sounds like many people there have a very poor view of women in general.

Even if the "friend" story is true I can't imagine being married to a man that thinks this is an acceptable way to treat women and helps his friend to contact random women asking for sex in a power dynamic where there is a high probability that any who consent are trafficked/ forced prostitutes.

metspengler · 10/06/2017 01:38

"You are entitled to your own opinion, I am religious myself and swearing on someone's life is deemed very serious. And why you are comparing this to Jeremy Kyle I don't know"

What religion is that then? You follow one that allows you to swear on other people's lives?

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 01:47

Ask the victims of the crimes perpertrated by the Catholic church or its priests about being religious and being honest.

Being outwardly devout doesnt mean a thing.

kali110 · 10/06/2017 02:15

Him swearing on DDs life would be enough for me to believe him, and from him being from a religious background as well.
Yes, because no one has ever swore on their childs life and then found out to be lying Hmm
Jeremy kyle was mentioned because people on there frequently 'swear on their childrens lives' and are found out to be liars Grin

Op i normally am the person to say that he maybe telling the truth, but even i think he's lying.
If he was innocent he wouldn't have just gone upstairs and left you for hours upset.
Twice.
He knew you were upset yet he left with his family.
He's concocted a story to get out of trouble.
If his friend sends a screenshot back there's no proof that your 'dh' didn't send it him in the first place!
Also another poster made a good point what about all those other messages at the side?
I'm sorry op, it really hurts when you can't trust your dp.
I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight Flowers

KoalaDownUnder · 10/06/2017 02:19

You sound like an intelligent woman.

You can't possibly believe him.

You're lying to yourself because you don't want to deal with the truth.

Oly5 · 10/06/2017 02:42

He's lying surely. That sounds like a made up story. Indeed, you need to take him to the cleaners

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 03:13

You're lying to yourself because you don't want to deal with the truth

Harsh

I have been where the OP is know, and AF will attest to that because she was on many of the threads about it and its not that she is lying to herself or doesnt want to deal with it. She is in shock and doesnt want it to be true.

I was the same. I was sat there, with the second phone in my hand, looking at the messages. There was absolutely no doubt whatsoever what had been happening, no "it was just a laugh" or "My mates set me up", it was all there in black and white as it is for the OP. In my hand I held a hand grenade that could blow up my whole life, and I didnt want to pull out the pin. Why would I? I wanted him to come along with a completely plausible explaination as to why it wasnt what is so obviously was. The only difference in my situation is that he at least never tried to to deny it and give me the limbo of hope a pp mentioned.

But sitting there knowing that whatever you do, things will always be broken, is it any wonder that sometimes we just wish it away? That we cling on to the tiny thread of hope that the second phone wasnt his, that his mate is actually the one cheating, that he would never even look at another woman.......?

It takes more than a few hours to get your head on straight and realise and accept the truth. This is real life not Eastenders, so it takes longer than half an hour to sort this stuff out.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 03:14

now/know and various other typos....

really should proofread

ShootingStar123 · 10/06/2017 03:17

I agree it looks dodgy but not sure why he'd have a screenshot of the conversation?

Either for the address or so there can't be any disagreement over price, would be my guess

The address is chopped off, it's actually difficult to work out the location from the screenshot as the hotel's name is obscured. I only managed to work it out using google prediction / web suggestions and guesswork. It's the Julphar Hotel [Address: Dafan al Nakheel Al Jaza'ah Rd, Ras Al Khaimah, 29591]. On this basis, I don't think the screenshot was taken for the address.

Interesting thing is that "Julphar Hotel Massage" is related search (google) for this hotel.

Also, considering that this type of work would be illegal in the UAE, I don't think the escort would be in any position to renege on the agreed price. So why would he take a screenshot of the agreed price. What can the escort do if a customer doesn't pay up... call the police?... take it to court?

seoulsurvivor · 10/06/2017 03:32

shootingstar get people to come along and beat him up, perhaps?

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 03:39

Yeah, pimps dont take kindly to not being paid. The sex worker concerned probably wasnt the person on the other end of the message conversation. If she was then it would have been monitored by whoever she is paying back ££££££££ for them doing her the "favour" of trafficking her with the promise of a better life.

ShootingStar123 · 10/06/2017 03:40

Regardless of how things appear, IMO you should never jump to conclusions without giving the other party a chance to explain. Of course you're entitled to find the explanation implausible if it raises further suspicions etc.

  1. Let's consider the fact that the OP took a photo of the screenshot. I presume this image is now on her phone. If I started perusing through the OP's photos on her phone, I might also jump to the conclusion that she was using an escort service in UEA.

My point I'm making here is that there might be an innocent explanation.

Let's presume that image is on his phone for some innocent reason,

e.g. he found it on a colleague's facebook page and decided to save a copy as evidence as he dislikes the colleague for some reason and was going to report him. However the colleague left suddenly, so all was forgotten about.

As this incident dated back to last summer, he completely forgot about it when confronted. He then finds it difficult or laborious to explain why he was stalking a work colleague on facebook, so he just says it's a long story.

  1. If he was going to lie he doesn't need to go into hiding to think up an excuse. Easiest excuse in the world would have been to deny it ... to say "it's not mine" or "I let a colleague borrow my ipad". The latter might explain why there seems to be a day's delay in replying to the escort.

  2. Contrary to some of the other advice here, I wouldn't just get up and leave your MIL's house. At the end of the day, if he has been using an escort, it's not your MIL's / SIL's fault. They are respectively grandmother and aunt to your child. They are family to you and your daughter whether you feel close to them or not.

seoulsurvivor · 10/06/2017 03:45

shootingstar if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. If I found that on my husband's phone and he just went 'er, it's a long story', of course I'd know it's dodgy. I know my husband and his reactions to stuff. If it wasn't how it appeared, he'd react completely differently. Yes, he could have accidentally screen-shotted a photo from a documentary or have lent a friend his ipad I SUPPOSE but just apply Occam's razor for one second.

The MIL and SIL stuff is totally irrelevant. I'm sure they'd get over being left for one day if they found out the reason.

ShootingStar123 · 10/06/2017 03:46

get people to come along and beat him up, perhaps?

If they agreed the price, yet they're still intent on beating him up, I doubt they would be the kind of people to be persuaded with screenshot evidence of the agreed price captured on an ipad.

IAmNotAWitch · 10/06/2017 03:48

Mate, your husband is a lying scumbag. You know it, he knows it, we know it.

It may be he is worth more to you married than divorced but don't be dumb.

ShootingStar123 · 10/06/2017 03:48

seoul

All I'm saying is people should exercise caution and not jump to conclusions without all the facts.

Cognitive biases mean that we humans like to see patterns where none exist.

ShootingStar123 · 10/06/2017 03:51

Also, if the device is indeed an iPad...

On Apple devices the screenshot function is difficult to accidentally trigger as it requires pressing the home button (front) and on / off button (top) simultaneously.

seoulsurvivor · 10/06/2017 03:58

shooting Why would they be intent on beating him up if he had paid the agreed price?

It is not cognitive bias to see what is plain in front of your face.

I don't think he did accidentally trigger the screenshot. I think he was screenshotting the address of the hotel.

All of that stuff is totally irrelevant anyway. There is really no other plausible explanation. If it was his friend or he was arranging it for someone else or anything else, I'd be equally as disgusted and want out of the relationship anyway.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 03:59

All I'm saying is people should exercise caution and not jump to conclusions without all the facts.

And those of us who dont stick our fingers in our ears and sing "lalalalalalalala!!!" when faced with the incontravertible evidence say that people should never ever dismiss their instincts.

The OP knows he is lying, because her instinct as the woman who knows him best is telling her that. She wants it to be not true because she is the woman who loves him. Doesnt mean her instinct isnt correct.

shockofthepops · 10/06/2017 05:23

I'm sorry it doesn't look good. Can you check online banking for withdrawal of cash on the date? Does he travel solo or with colleagues? What an absolute arse. I'm sorry- caught out a previous bf in a similar situation, it's horrible

NellieBuff · 10/06/2017 05:52

I am sending Flowers but please if you should decide to sleep with your hubby please get him to use a condom. I personally would ltb but if you should decide to stay you should protect yourself from possible diseases. Keep strong for your daughter's sake

Xanadu44 · 10/06/2017 05:56

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Massive red light that he had two massive "naps" and only then did he "tell the truth" if he was being honest surely he'd tell you straight away??