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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Your first child?

162 replies

SugarnetMum · 09/06/2017 19:12

What age were you? Did you have to make a decision to keep the baby? Iv found out I'm pregnant today. Obviously I'm all over the place!

OP posts:

BeanSprout79 · 15/06/2017 09:40

I'm 37 and my baby is very planned. We had been trying for years and were beginning to lose all hope. Congratulations.

Original poster

SugarnetMum · 15/06/2017 20:47

Hi everyone. Haven't been on in a few days. Thanks in a complete cycle. That's what I have been trying to do.. Look at every possibility. And after all the excitement I think the best thing to do is terminate it for now, even tho me and dp would love a little baby around, its just the romantic idea. I'm only young and would be best off trying in a few years when I'm a bit more settled. Sucks but oh well, not the right time! I'm enjoying the feeling of being pregnant at times , will be sad to see it go. At the same time I would be more ready in years to come...

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 15/06/2017 20:58

Oh, you've changed your mind.
Wishing you all the best, just make sure that you are making whatever decision for the right reasons and because YOU want to, nobody else.

Joinourclub · 16/06/2017 00:22

You are still very young OP. Lots of time for you to do whatever you wish before thinking about starting a family. You got a lot of positive stories on here because of how you framed your question, but a different question would haven't revealed that many women have abortions and later go on to have children when the timing is better. I have two children now and no regrets about my earlier abortion.

RibenaMonsoon · 16/06/2017 06:44

32 - DS was planned. Wouldn't have done it any other way.
In my 20s I went out and got drunk, I travelled and had awesome times.
Everyone's different, live your life the way you want to xx

ShastaBeast · 16/06/2017 07:14

OP - if you were my DD I'd hope you'd decide not to continue, even if I'd love and support my DD regardless. Parenting is bloody hard and being so restricted at such a young age isn't good. Housing is much more expensive these days so much harder to make a nice family home. I was 26 and it was unplanned. I can't regret it but I would have chosen to have more time with my DH, enjoyed life more and I still had places to visit and experiences I can't have until I'm older. My eldest is 7 but has some additional needs. It's exhausting and I think I'd have appreciated it more if I'd have had a few years extra first. Aged 19 to 26 I did so so much, it was very exciting and I'd never have done all that with a small child in tow. Now in my mid 30s with two school age kids I couldn't go through it again so would have to make that difficult decision. Take care of yourself and make sure you have support. Try to plan something to look forward to over the coming months (and years, you have plenty of time).

sillyquestionnow · 16/06/2017 07:18

I was 19 too op and I was scared! But I kept him, he's now a happy 5 year old, while it was really tough, it was also wonderful :)

Lasagnabreath · 16/06/2017 21:17

I can see what your are saying shasta but I think it's wrong to project your feelings onto the op. I know you can only speak from experience but not everyone will feel that way and the op may have done all she has wanted. It's sad when I see people say 19 is too young to have kids. Not everyone wants to party and go places. I didn't, and in fact I'm going to college now and plan for a career and I am still young enough to do so. My kids are 3 and nearly 2, my partner (who is older and also wants to settle down) has chosen to be a stay at home dad and allow me to be able to learn and hopefully get a job. Some people are like my partner at a younger age than he is.

I feel like I've ranted and I hope I haven't come across rude.

ShastaBeast · 16/06/2017 22:26

Pot kettle black. So many others have projected their experiences and feelings, in the same way you just did. I'm offering an alternative in a very unbalanced thread. One, in light of OPs decision, which may be more helpful that the overwhelming romanticisation of parenthood.

I've read so many MN posts expressing they'd be disappointed if their young adult daughters had a child due to missing out on so much. You've projected your assumption that I spent my youth partying or that's what I'd want for my daughter. I've done incredible things, my degree, travelling and meeting people, my career, my marriage and having enough money to buy and live comfortably in london. Perhaps if you never experience things you don't miss them and are happy and that's fabulous, many people are born parents and find fulfilment in family life. I knew I needed more personally. I did miss out, especially on enjoying my marriage longer before kids, and that is just as valid a perspective to share. The rising maternal age attests to the number of women choosing to have kids later, in part because they want all those things first too. But I'm the young mum in my daughters' school. I've just started a second career after being a SAHP - I'm also still young enough to do so (cheeky).

I do know other mums who find parenting incredibly hard so I'm not alone. Although going by this thread it seems like it.

Original poster

SugarnetMum · 16/06/2017 22:41

Thank you everyone for your posts and you too Shasta. This is the way I feel myself , after a long week of exactly what you call. Romanticisation. This is what I was going through. After thinking it through and after many many many times changing my mind I finally know that 19 is not the best time to have a baby for me. And I'm grateful to gave that choice! I have so much more to do and see. Its not about partying, I have no interest in that. Its about me time, being able to go see the world on my own, work abroad, be a young person! And if I went ahead with the pregnancy that would tie me down more than I'd like. I know I've changed my tune, but we got carried away with the idea of a cute lovely little baby, not realising the responsibility and life change to go with it.

Thanks everyone , we are terminating the pregnancy next week. Unfortunate but best thing to be done. And I will feel sad for not meeting unborn baby but I will meet her or him in a few years :)

OP posts:

MrsCharlieD · 16/06/2017 22:51

I was 30 and it was a surprise. We had even trying for a couple of years but gave up when we thought it just wasn't going to happen. We weren't being careful though as I genuinely didn't think we needed to be. Then boom in was preggers. Now 23 weeks with dc2 and ds has just turned 3.

TheHobbitMum · 16/06/2017 23:01

I was 19 when I fell pregnant and had DD1 when I was 20, not planned at all. We'd only just moved into rented accommodation and hadn't been together long at all (knew each other as friends though for a year before getting together) but we went on to have 3 more children and been together 18yrs now. Congrats on your the pregnancy, it will be a shock so take as much time as you need to consider all your options and what is best for you. Good luck

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