To be irrationally upset by DH's vote.

[brotherhoodofspam]

Just found out that DH has voted Tory for the 2nd time now. He's doing it tactically as hates SNP but I'd already pointed out to him this morning that labour came 2nd here last time. I know it's stupid but I feel really upset about this. I always thought we had a similar world view and I hate the thought that he's done the whole cliche of turning from a left wing student into a right wing middle class professional. He's really angry with me now for the way I reacted but I wouldn't be the person be married if I just said. " that's nice dear". Just now I'm feeling pretty disgusted with him though. AIBU?

I don't discuss with my OH how he has voted because it's his right to vote how he wants. I believe it should be compulsory to vote as it means people discuss policies that affect them and their lives. A tactical vote is as important as any other if it is made for a reason. I would be more annoyed if somebody just spoilt their paper.
OH would tell me if I asked as would my family. My sons have different jobs and vote differently as their interests are not the same and we could probably stay at home anyway as our votes often cancel each other out.

"Why do you think having as different political or religious viewpoint makes somebody a 'different person'?"
Well if I was allowed to say "world view".........
If, for example, a couple had shared conservative views for 30 years, then suddenly one of them changed everything they thought about society and politics and became an extreme left winger wouldn't that mean they were a different person?

The question about what people have a right to know about the other in marriage is fascinating. Some couples are all secrecy, passwords, hidden accounts, even hidden mistresses. Others open each other's post and share an email address. One court case held that it depends on the couple as to whether you can read the other's banking and email details. if you have always given each other total openness in marriage as we always had then it is not wrong to look. If you have always kept these things separate and private then it breaches the law to snoop if a divorce is in the offing.

Say it if you must then, Bertrand

Assuming that a couple doesn't share a brain and thought process, there will be different parts of the conservative's views (in your example) that will accord with each of them. Collectively those independent views will amount to support of the same party.

If, as is the way of the world, politics changes and the points that made one of the people in the couple vote for that party were no longer valid, they would look around to see what other parties are offering that accord with their intrinsic and basic values. These values may lead said partner to shift away from the conservatives onto Monster Raving Loony Party (insert any other).

At no point has the person changed. Their political landscape has changed.

So, as a result of that changed political stance, let's do a sanity review:

Do they still love their partner? check
Do they still hold a driving licence? check
Do they still love eggs and chips once a week for dinner? check
Do they still play with the kids and 'do their bit at home'? check, check, check-ity check

So what has changed, Bertrand? How has that person changed?

And... would you be so exercised if somebody wanted to change from eating meat to becoming a vegetarian or vegan? I would have thought that lifestyle change would have more of an impact really... but still couples survive.

lying don't you think politics and personality are at all linked?

"So what has changed, Bertrand? How has that person changed?"

If I were a Tory supporter, he would have changed into someone who was prepared to destroy the economy of my country, leave it open to attacks from our enemies and do deals with terrorists.........

seoul, mainstream parties? No.

Bertrand... unlike the Labour voters who allowed Blair to lead us into war that has had a direct affect on terror in this country. Overspending the budget so that the vulnerable in society were not protected... still making money available for national defence though.

Just like all the others.

Whoever you voted for; you are equally responsible for where we are. Have you morphed into someone different?

20 years ago when i was going out with my boyfriend, he asked what i voted for at that election... when he found out it was not the same as him and tory he got angry and wouldnt speak to me for a week.

He must have got over it because we eventually got married and we have never ever spoken about what we each vote ever since which suits me fine. Although we both know each others preference we are in complete disagreement with each others chosen party.

So as a rule of thumb, life is too short, everyone is different and dont ever ask him again if it upsets you that much. You cannot expect him to vote for your party just because you did.

that should read 'not tory', that's definitely not me !

Lying it depends on priorities if having a right wing voter for a partner (or vice versa) is a deal breaker or not. It either is or isn't, depending upon the individual. There is also a lot of confusion on here about the right to privacy versus sharing and discussion with a partner. Very unfair accusations of the OP being 'controlling' just because she expressed upset feelings after the fact. That's just how she feels about it. Unless political affiliation has as little importance to you as eating egg and chips or you effectively lead separate (albeit parallel) lives, it is significant. Women (and men) have a right to choose to start or end a relationship taking in to account political views as much as men (and women) have a right to vote how they choose based on those same political views.

OK- how about this one. DP and I are both very clear on how we stand on pornography. It is a deal breaker.

Would I be unreasonable if I left him if I discovered he was using porn? If he changed his mind?

People's political, religious, philosophical etc etc views change as they age.

As is so often the case, I was quite left-wing when I was young. As I grew older, had children, saw a bit of life, I came to understand where the right wing was coming from.

Blessedly, my husband followed more or less the same trajectory.

Blueink...naughty of you. Pick the analogy of 'play with the kids and do their bit at home' instead and it puts a different slant on it.

As Blueflowers has posted, a couple can have diametrically opposing views on a political party and still accept each other as people. I personally do not like arguing about politics and religion; starts wars ffs. I have no time for it so my partner is equally happy not to spend time on these subjects. My mother is another kettle of fish, I come away exhausted because she's very vocal on the subject and not only wants to know everything but also wants the opportunity to talk it through and change my mind.

It's the posters citing that they'd divorce that rankle with me; I think they're pathetic - and lying.

I've already said, you can end a relationship for ANY reason you like, however minor or major - and that would include politics and religion but I think most people look at the issues rather than the parties involved before reaching for their solicitors. I don't personally care if they don't, makes no odds to me but I think it's ridiculous.

If you look at the manifestos of ANY of the parties, what are the dealbreaker points exactly, (assuming that any of them would actually be honoured)?

I wouldn't tolerate racism, bigotry, sexism... any of those allied either. Neither would my partner and I knew that before I married him. How many people wake up one morning thinking, "Today, today I will see how many X people I can find to irritate". Not many, I'll wager.

I think this is going around in a bit of a circle and comparisons keep being made of things that are not easily or really comparable. Interesting as a discussion though.

Bertrand not at all unreasonable. It's a polarising subject and your partner would have to make an active choice to engage in something he was crystal clear that you are opposed to - and believed that HE was also.

I have no problem understanding that.

Let me ask you... on your point, I would think that women's issues are important so I might choose the Women's Equality Party because of that (when everything else is at an even keel-ish). Then stuff happens in the world and political pressure is adjusted more keenly on other issues, dunno, the environment, as an example - and my job is allied to that, so I switch to a party that places no stated priority on women's issues but is focused on the environment.

Does it mean that I no longer care about women's issues? Or does it mean that I buy into the 'when the last fish has been fished...' (and I do). Environment would be a priority for me because, if there are no fish then there are no women to care about, whatever issues they might have?

I probably haven't explained very well but what I mean is that we aren't 'The Borg' and even if on the surface we have the same interests and focus, it may not always be so.

I really do enjoy chatting to you, Bertrand

Yes, but as you said it's irrational. My sister does not vote, is not interested in politics and last time when she voted she voted Tory (because we are posh she said!). It makes me furious that she doesn't vote and when she does she does it in an illl informed way. HOWEVER it is none of my business and I just have to let it go! I was so emotionally invested in this election (I'm a member of the Labour Party) so really had to restrain myself from killing my sister!

Some things are more important to people than others and we change over time.
The biggest change for most people is when they have no money and no income they tend to be left wing and once they have children to feed and pay tax they tend to move more to the middle. If you marry young and particularly if one of you works and earns a lot and other stays a radical and non working perhaps stay at home partner you find a bit of a gulf develops,. but people change in all kinds of ways.

One man I know who ultimately divorced found his totally non religious wife suddenly got in with a weird church group and he'd come home from work and the living room would be full of people in beards in sandals praising God. That didn't break up his marriage but I suppose was part of the reason that his wife was very different - if your spouse suddenly thinks you will be burning in Hell as you have not been born again that puts a bit of a spanner in the works just like if your partner decides to go off to Isis to breed or kill. Some people have to cope with very radical change within a relationship.

Perfectly rational, my dh would never vote Tory. If I was married to someone who did I would be devastated.

Dollymouse, if your sister is truly that vapid then just tell her that "the XYZ party is where all the really happening voters are" and get her to choose the one you want. Two votes for the price of one, no?

YANBU.
He can vote anyway he wants and that is his right. You can absolutely feel whatever you like about that, as that is your right too.

Didn't expect this thread to be quite so long! Lots of interesting, thoughtful points and a few quite bizarre ones. Just to answer a few, I wasn't upset about him not supporting SNP, don't support them myself, the upset was about the conservative vote. I'm well aware we're lucky not to live in a genuinely repressive society but we both work in the NHS can both see how it's being systematically undermined and destroyed by the conservatives. We also both work with people who are living with the effects of benefit cuts. Thats what I'm struggling to understand. I also think that believing the more fortunate should support the less fortunate isn't something you should "grow out of" when you become better of yourself as some posters suggested. To me it was an ideological position when I as a student with no money just as it is now that I'm well off, I didn't hold it just because I wanted wealth redistribute to me!

Sorry, should say redistributed

Dollymouse, sister is not the same relationship as partner. Partner could be more than one person over time. Sister is one person over a lifetime, whatever that relationship is, close or otherwise.
Lying you missed my point, which was about the priority of the issue. The importance of politics is on an individual/couple basis. For some, politics might be an "egg & chips" issue, for others more akin to "playing with the kids"; reflected by the diverse views on the thread. Not sure how illustrating my point makes me "naughty"?! Your stance on a division of labour, "doing their 'bit' and playing with the kids" is not describing an equal domestic partnership. It assumes one person has overall responsibility. And political stance is a deal breaker for me if they "play with the kids", "do their bit", whatever. My priority is on a partnership based on shared political and ideological values.

sleeponeday if thats true that your marriage would be threatened, that might say more about the strength of your marriage than the morals of one of you based on your political views

Other people's marriages, rather like their political views, don't have to be just like yours to have value, welshbutenglish. How sad that you are incapable of understanding that.

As I stated, I have dear friends whose extremely different political views I respect and have no issue with. They are good people who simply see the world differently, and that's fine. But to us, marriage is different, because of the level of emotional and intellectual intimacy. All marriages need you to have certain things in common - in mine, politics is a core aspect of that. In other people's, it isn't, and again, that's fine.

Brother, yes, you started a really interesting thread! You work for the NHS, so understandably politics is a priority issue for you, when for other posters on here it may not be.
If someone votes according to how they will be personally "better off" and their voting changed over time in keeping with this, it just reveals an underlying politics of selfishness all along. Others might 'grow selfish', nothing to do with growing up.

BlueInk I didn't miss your point but ok I'll rephrase from my jovial 'naughty' to a less jovial, 'selective' because that's what you did. 'Egg and chips' was clearly neither here nor there. Involvement with the children is very much more on point. I wasn't making a feminist issue of who in the family unit has dibs on allocating tasks because in my mind, a couple just 'does for their family'.

Our ideologies are different and that's fine by me. I've explained my point ad nauseum on this thread so there's no need to labour it.