How many mini-tasks do you do before 8am?

[m0j1to]

Kind of following on from the "mental load" thread, I think lots of women are in the position of having effectively done the equivalent of maybe half a days work before they even leave the house "of a morning"?

This would be a typical weekday morning for me -

5.30. Get up. Feed and deal with cats / litter trays. Get showered and ready.

6.00 Iron and "de-fluff" 4 school uniforms (hazard of 3 white Persian cats ). Lay out all clothes for DC
Make sure PE kits are in bags.
Check correct homework is in bags etc.

6.30 Take DH coffee in bed and wake him up. Wake everyone up. Start making breakfast, unloading dishwasher and whatever else. Up and down stairs in the meantime for people asking where's this and where's that and general moaning.

7.00 Serve everyone breakfast - to various specifications

7.20 DS1 and DD1 leave.
Run round and make sure bathrooms ok and no underwear etc left around the place, beds made etc (particularly on days cleaner is coming). Put some laundry in. Make beds.

7.30 DH leaves. Tidy kitchen and see if I can get DD2 and 3 (twins) to do 15 mins music practice if they didn't do it the night before.
Do whatever hairstyles of the day on both.

7.55 Leave for school run.

This is NOT meant to be a moan or sound like a martyr complex because after this, my time is more or less my own until 3pm. But AIBU to think that actually most women do a multitude of such mini-tasks every morning which other members of the household are barely aware of?

You may well ask why I don't do a lot of this stuff in the evenings and I do try to, but the evenings are busy too with dinner, homework, baths and bedtimes. DS1 not in bed until 10 and I'm generally too tired by then.

I do sometimes go out of the house in the morning already feeling exhausted from running around the house BUT it is getting easier the older the kids get and the more they do for themselves and help around the house. In your case OP, it doesn't seem like the kids are doing much to help you or themselves though.

I can now get up a bit later as can finish getting ready whilst the kids are getting ready but I am upstairs with them so I can help where needed. The Dc make their own beds/tidy own rooms on cleaner day. They also wipe down/clear down bathroom on a rota basis before we all go down together.

Downstairs, dc help to make breakfast which speeds things up and means I have time to sit with them for bf. They help clear the table, then get their bags ready (with chivvying and help), whilst I clear kitchen, make lunches or get drinks ready, feed fish etc.

Sometimes we get to sit down together for a bit, depends how much there was to do.

I would not have time to iron and defluff uniforms though, surely there has to be a way round that (hang up straight away/put in suit covers).

I do think your mornings are more manic than they need to be and would expect the dc to be helping themselves/ you more but each to their own

It strikes me that you are trying to justify to someone (your DH?) why you drink coffee and shop all day while he works. The taking him coffee and breakfast seems like it's to assuage your guilt at being bone idle while he works his arse off earning money for you to spend.

I actually don't agree with most people that your children should be doing everything. You choose to be a SAHM of school age children, and you have a cleaner. It strikes me that if you didn't have your early morning burst of activity, you wouldn't actually be doing anything.

I think SAH parenting when your children are at school should be treated like a job, and done to the same standards. If looking after pre-schoolers is so hard that it takes up all your time (see every other thread on the subject) then surely once they are at school you have a hell of a lot of time free to do your job properly. If you don't contribute financially to the household then as far as I'm concerned you should contribute equally in work terms.

I'm on maternity leave and DS is only 3 months old. His eating and napping isn't any any set routine yet. A lot depends on his sleep during the night as it's generally fine but has been a little disrupted the last week. But I get up early and DP looks after the baby before he goes to work as I like to get the main things done (I like a tidy house and have certain standards that DP doesn't always get ). Plus it just gives me some time to myself even if I am doing stuff before looking after the baby all day.

Typical morning:
Baby wakes anywhere about 5am, has a bottle, back to sleep on and off until he wakes properly between 6-7am
I usually get up between 6-6.30am
Make a cup of tea and toast for myself
Whilst the kettle is boiling, I throw together a sandwich for DP's lunch
Take him a bowl of cereal
Have my breakfast/tea in peace while mooching on the phone
Do the dishes/wipe kitchen
Change Milton tank for DS's bottles
Clean/sterilise ant bottles
Have a general tidy up
Take out any recycling/change bin if needed
Have a shower/get ready for the day

DP then hands baby over to me while he gets ready for work and leaves around 8am.

It works for us as that means DP gets time with the baby before work, I get some hands-free time, I can enjoy a shower and take my time (even have a shave!). I can also relax a bit and as I like to make the house is relatively tidy. DS can be quite demanding at times so if I wake up late, I tend to rush in the shower, eat breakfast while keeping him entertained and try to tidy in between feeding/changing/holding the baby and I end up a bit stressy.

I like it this way as if I do anything else, It's a bonus or means that we can go out for the day if it's dry. To be fair, baby has been napping since 8am and I'm on the settee watching TV while DP has gone to work. I may iron shortly. And on a Saturday, I have a lie in, DP brings me breakfast in bed and is on baby duty

The taking him coffee and breakfast seems like it's to assuage your guilt at being bone idle while he works his arse off earning money for you to spend

That's so offensive.

Why is offensive? Because you don't agree with me? That's fine, but it doesn't make it offensive. If you read the rest of my post, you can see why I think that. Doesn't mean you have to agree. 🤷‍♀️

Wombling - As I said, this thread was never intended to be about my role as a SAHM, more a comment about how women tend to take on more if the mental load in the mornings. I only gave my morning routine as an example.

It's very presumptuous of you to comment on how my husband may feel about anything. You don't know him and have absolutely no idea.

What I do in the day is up to me. Do I ask you to justify how you spend your time in relation to anyone else?

If how we live didn't work for us we would obviously change it.

I do the washing up if there is any, clean the bathroom (not every day), clean bedrooms and vac the house, put a wash on if the weather's nice, put clothes away, feed the toddler, clothe the toddler and get ready to go out. Lately I've been waking dp up at 8:30 and taking him to work.. which has actually helped me get on top of things a bit more. I prefer to get all this stuff before 8:30 so I have the whole day with dd to do whatever we want instead of worrying about cleaning.

But surely what you do for the rest of the day is slightly relevant OP? If you do loads of unnecessarystuff first thing in the morning but then have the day to relax, surely that's quite balanced? And pp have suggested ways in which you could make your life easier, but you choose to do it in this way.

I don't understand why people think I would go out if my way to create more work for myself in the morning .

I have 4 DC to get out to 3 different schools.
I accept many people do not do cooked breakfasts, but this is something I do for DH and always have.
One of my daughters is very challenging and I certainly don't need to add more stress on top of that.

m0j1to I agree that what you do in the day is up to you but that doesn't mean it is irrelevant to the thread. What you do for the rest of the day is very relevant because most of the jobs could be done in the day if you have nothing else to do. Some jobs e.g. packing bags should be done by your children but only for their sake, not because you need more rest.

It's great if it works for you but you can't expect other people to think that you're really busy just because you choose to fit in most of your daily jobs into the early morning. To me, rather than appearing busy you just seem inefficient and disorganised.

Well come and live in our house for a week. Find out what it's like to be married to my husband and parent my DC and let me know how you get on.

I have very poor sleeping habits, and often either fall asleep around this time or a bit earlier. Or I wake up ridiculously early. This past week I have been up at around 4 AM

I am on my own so usually have breakfast and watch either YouTube or Netflix, wash any dishes, get emails done, and food ready for the day. If I need to do something in particular, I choose clothes or make lists or other things that will help me to speed up things later on.

Well come and live in our house for a week. Find out what it's like to be married to my husband and parent my DC and let me know how you get on.

Hmm.... Come and live in my house and find out what it is like to be a parent with a job and no cleaner. I somehow doubt your day would be busier overall.

It's not wifework if you're actively choosing to do it. If you like to cook a three course meal from scratch every night you can't then moan about how long you spend in the kitchen.

Your family sound lazy and ignorant as to how to live together harmoniously without mum picking up after them. My 5 year old can do some stuff your older children don't do. My dh often cycles to work to his demanding job without needing a protein rich breakfast hand crafted by me. I'm sure there's sometimes cat fur on family members as they leave the house but who gives a shit?

Have a couple of lie ins to catch up on your sleep and then have a proper look at how you want to live your life. If you're genuinely fulfilled by being everyone's skivvy good luck to you.

In a space of 2 hrs all I managed to do was shower me and DD, change DS, make and feed both kids. DD feeds herself and feed myself. Don't know why it takes me so long. Didn't fit any mini tasks in at all.

I think the issue isn't to with you being a SAHP but that you spend your early morning doing things that everyone else would expect their DH and DC's to do for themselves.

Room - What is the point of comparing your situation to the OP's? Maybe your job is a breeze? Do you have 4 DC or any with additional needs? The fact is nobody is asking you to justify anything. Maybe your husband has different expectations to this DH? All sorts of factors affect people's lives.

I don't think OP does much for her DH apart from making breakfast and coffee. That doesn't seem an outrageous division of tasks considering she has lots of free time during the day while he works. I would tell him to pick up his own underwear and put it in the wash basket though.

Room - What is the point of comparing your situation to the OP's? Maybe your job is a breeze? Do you have 4 DC or any with additional needs? The fact is nobody is asking you to justify anything. Maybe your husband has different expectations to this DH? All sorts of factors affect people's lives.

The pointing of comparing was because OP suggested I should "come and live in our house for a week. Find out what it's like to be married to my husband and parent my DC and let me know how you get on"
OPs doesn't need to justify what she does with her time as it's totally up to her. However, suggested she is busy when she has school aged children, doesn't work and has a cleaner is quite laughable.

My DH does not feel like he gets a raw deaL He knows full well that I do pretty much everything that's not his job as well as all cooking mornings, evenings and weekends inc entertaining. He is far from hard done by and to a significant extent, he's able to organise his day or week around the kind of stuff he likes to do as well.

Well this morning sweet fa.

Was aware of DS getting up and dressed and breakfasted and leaving to get the bus. Was aware of friends son coming into the house for me to take him to school. And then DD getting up etc.

Got a call upstairs at 08.36, so time to go. Got up, threw yesterday's clothes on, and drove DD and friend to school.

I assume they had everything they need and love my Fridays off when I can have a cheeky lie in.

You're doing way too much for your kids, making them super reliant on you and less independent.

They should do most of this stuff themselves.

Suggestions:

1 buy non iron clothes for school and hang them up right away after drying so there's no creases and the cats can't get to them in the wardrobe.

2 they make their own beds and pack their own bags and check their own PE kit and homework

3 your husband can make his own coffee surely?!

My DH does not feel like he gets a raw deaL

If that was directed at me, I wasn't suggested he gets a "raw deal". I just don't think you are doing too much for him as suggested by some posters.

I think the OP's point is about the extra thinking that gets done before everyone leaves the house. She's not asking for advice or moaning, simply stating how much is achieved. I am slap dash, cut corners in the name of 'efficiency' and love feeling I've done a gazillion things before 8am. Some days anyway.

Work expands to fill the time. You have more time than most, so the work you "have" to do fills that time. I'm out of the house for nearly 12 hours a day, including the commute. I leave the house before everyone else has got up. No cleaner, no tumble drier, three DC. DH works similar amount of hours.

Alarm goes at 6:10
Get up, cup of tea, feed cat, shower, get dressed, get packed lunch from fridge.
Go to work at 6:40.

MY DC are older than yours but DC could all use washing machine/iron from late primary age. Everyone now sees to their own clothes, including washing them, hanging them up to dry and ironing them (if they want them ironed).
We all clean and hoover our own bedrooms. We take turns in cleaning the bathroom.
Everyone has to get themselves to and from school/after-school activities/part-time jobs.
First one home - including the DC - starts preparing the evening meal. All can cook at least a basic meal and one of them is particularly competent. We always cook from scratch, bar the very occasional supermarket pizza.
DH does the shopping. We don't have a car, so that involves carrying heavy bags from supermarket.