Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

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DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

I am honestly so surprised that you think your DD is being unreasonable. She is almost an adult and can see her relationship with her DF for what it is. She doesn't figure in his priorities at all does she???
I would not be at all surprised if there is no relationship between them when she is older. She has been badly let down by him and in a way by you too OP for not seeing how little he was putting onto the relationship. Things will not go well in the future if this not addressed now.

It wasn't like he refused to make an effort for her birthday. He was working. To keep a roof over her head and food on the table. He wasn't staying away to make a point like she is. I think she needs a talk about the realities of adult life tbh.

I do take it back that I think she is wrong I just think she'll regret it.

She's kinder than her Dad?

Why will she regret it? Have you got Elvis booked to come along?

As I said, I have an almost zero relationship with my father and zero regrets about it. I regret what could have been, not what has happened. In fact I suspect he is the one with regrets as neither of his children have time for him.

There is still time to fix this if he is willing to try. You can explain why people can't always take time off but also say to him that maybe cancel his hobby around her birthday and plan a family day out. If he says no to that then the fault isn't on your daughter's side.

Has he even said he is bothered? Has he tried to talk to his daughter to explain why he took days off to be with his mates but not willing to agree to her request on her birthday? I think that is the crucial bit. Why will she regret it? Shouldn't he be thinking how to improve the relationship by making her think that he wants to spend time with her??

Why will she regret it. Does her DF regret not taking a day off to celebrate her birthday?
I don't think she will EVER regret it. What goes around comes around !

I always take at least the afternoon of my DCs birthdays off. I have a hectic schedule and cover a broad geography but have flown home in the morning and back to location in the early hours because I prioritise time with my DC above all else.

OP it doesn't really matter if your DC is unreasonable or not the point is she feels that your DH is. He can try to fix the relationship or not, but given she is 15 there may not be many more opportunities before it breaks down irretrievably.

Your DH Ian being unreasonable. She's lashing out. She's hurt because it feels like her birthday isn't important. She will remember this for the rest of her life.
My dad was ill for 10 years of my life on and off. He didn't make the effort for me for 3 years of that. One day he showed up at my work (I was 17) I cried and then got angry (we hadn't spoke in 3 months because I stopped trying) and then I cried some more and we sorted it out. Ultimately, my dad made the effort in the end. He proved to me he loved and thought about me. I chose to forget it due to his illness and I loved him. It made the world to me he had made the effort to come and see how I was (he didn't know I was at work and the journey took 40 mins).

Your DH needs to show your daughter that she is his number one

Everything she says seems perfectly valid. I don't think it'll just be her dad she doesn't see much of when she's older. Her mum is really showing her her place too.

She might regret that she and her Dad don't have a better relationship. She might regret that she was not able to celebrate birthdays with her Dad.
She might regret that she stuck her neck out and asked him to take time off once for a birthday that he could have made an exception for.
I hope she will not regret standing up for her self, putting her self first and refusing to be railroaded in spending time with someone who cannot afford her the same curtesy.

We owe our children unconditional love. They owe us nothing. If they love us in return, that is a bonus. We choose to bring them into our lives along with our baggage and beliefs, they can choose to take some of that with them, or they can choose to plough their own path. Hopefully, it will be somewhere in between and we can share the path with them at least for a while.

Don't make her feel guilty. Try to understand where she is coming from and try to bring your husband along on this understanding too.

Poor kid.

I don't blame her.

Her argument to me is "oh so when he is old and wants me, I'll put some money in the post, yeah?

She is hurting. Bloody listen to what she is trying to tell you both. No one ever wishes they worked more. One day he will regret not spending more time with his child. Yes he has to work, most of us do. He could take a few hours off if he cared enough. She doesn't even get to spend time with him on his day off ffs.

I don't think she will regret it at all. She's obviously getting to an age where she can see that her dad has no interest in her life, and isn't willing to make sacrifices for her happiness. That's really, really sad. I wouldn't make her go to the dinner, he's made it clear that his family is not a priority to him, he should not expect everyone to fall over themselves to accommodate what he wants.

I'm even more on her side now - poor kid!

He works, has time off for his mates, can have a day off a week for his hobby but his own daughter's birthday has not important enough to him in 15 years?! She even asked him and he still said no. That's appalling imo.

He should be ashamed of herself, and so should you for not standing up for her. Poor kid.

It wasn't like he refused to make an effort for her birthday. He was working. To keep a roof over her head and food on the table.

Was he, really?

Perhaps OP and her husband are really, really, really poor and they really cannot afford him taking a couple of hours off, but I doubt it.

For most people, especially people who own part of a shop, a couple of hours won't make the difference between going hungry and being homeless and having a roof over their heads and food on the table.

If this was my husband I would be ashamed of him.

She asked him if he could take some time off for her birthday after he took time off for his friends and he said no. What a slap in the face.

He can take time off when it suits him. She isn't a priority is she?

Limo party when she was 10? Who paid for that may I ask? It probably came out of family money for which her dad works for. Funny how she chooses to enjoy the fruits of his work but resents the time spent at work. Your husband could have compromised or tried to find a halfway solution since she did ask him in advance and make it clear to her that it is not so.wthing he could do frequently. But for whatever reason he has chosen not to and maybe he is wrong in that.
But for her to be spiteful and hold a grudge and make a point to him is very disrespectful and ungrateful. Also, when I was 15 I would have much rather had a birthday event with my friends than with my parents (more fool me). My parents have me money to take my group of close girlfriends up to a grown up silver service restaurant for lunch. I never resented them for it nor felt that they were throwing money at me rather than spending time with me.

I'm with your daughter on this. He can take time off and has chosen to for other things but he couldn't take off a few hours early to join in with her activity that oresumably can only be done in the day/afternoon. He then has a day off that he uses for his hobby, and won't let her celebrate her birthday on any other date than her birthday, but still expects her to celebrate his when he chooses to take the day off? Why can't people see that he is in the wrong?

She had no issue when she understood that he couldn't take the time off m, but he also chose not to take a few hours off when he did have the ability. I think she's making a good point and is quite rave and sure of herself. Well done to her.

Poor, poor girl. Not only has her father never thought to make time for her on her birthday, but when she asked him, specifically, he refused. Talk about rejection. Frankly, he sounds nasty, unkind and selfish. Yes, he's working - but as much for his own benefit as hers. I don't blame her one bit for refusing to attend his birthday meal - why on earth should she put herself out for his birthday when he has made it very clear that she is so low on his list of priorities. He's made it clear that he is first, second, last and pretty much everything in between as far as he is concerned. I don't blame her one bit. Her only regret will be that she put herself in a position where he could humiliate her by showing her exactly how much he cares about her. Nasty. Really nasty.

Am with your DD on this one she isn't being unreasonable you and your DH are if neither of you can see the point she is trying to make she is hurting from serious lack of effort on your DH's part and I can't say I blame her for feeling like she's the bottom of the pile the only person who will regret anything will be your DH when he has no relationship with his own daughter and she no longer bothers with either of you. He puts a hobby before her and he can shut up shop for his mates and 2 weddings but not for his own daughter and you seriously think she's the one in the wrong here think you need to take a long hard look at your husbands actions and see where he went wrong.

DH wouldn't go out on the Sunday to the zoo for example as that's when he does his hobby.

Wow, no wonder she won't go to his birthday meal, he sounds like a piss-poor excuse for a father.

She is not BU.

Why would your DD regret it?

Will your DH throw a strop because he's realised his lack care for his child has meant she doesnt seem to like him very much?

When was the last time DH spent a day with DD? Has he ever spent a day just the two of them?

So he would rather throw money at her than give her his time? Nice. A limo party for her 10th birthday? And you're not covering yourself in glory either OP.