Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

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DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

Stella

Kids are 7 and 4. So of their 11 birthdays - 8 before they start school (7 we either took the day off or was on a weekend, 1 was on my usual day off and Dd had her (beloved) ballet that day so I took her there as usual and then we both took the following day off and did something, 1 was in school holidays (both took day off), 1 was a Sunday. This year she went to school on her birthday for first time, I was off that day anyway, Dh finished early and we all picked her up from school.

Next year both kids will have birthdays in the holidays so we'll both take the day off. (We plan our leave far, far in advance.)

(NB I work in a detailed, technical role at work. My slogan is "don't ask me a question unless you really want to know the answer". )

Mumoftwoyoungkids

Stop being a goady fooker, Not everyone has the option to take their kids birthdays off, childcare takes up my and dh annual leave. Our kids birthdays are very important to us, however they have to work around our working hours, as do our own birthdays.

Everyone's circumstances differ, however please dont sprout the narrow minded opinion that because a parent cannot take leave form there day life means there child's birthday or event is not important to them, because frankly you are wrong and rude!

I actually agree and think she is being unreasonable, hence my title. The only thing I will defend is she has no issue if we are working, it was the fact he can take time off and chose not to. That was the issue. We also didn't wait till evening as she didn't want to just go for a meal really and preferred a day out. DH wouldn't go out on the Sunday to the zoo for example as that's when he does his hobby.

I still think she's being unreasonable! He keeps a roof over her head. Mind you, my dad isn't here so I might see it differently. Her argument to me is "oh so when he is old and wants me, I'll put some money in the post, yeah?" she is so rude lately!

Mumoftwoyoungkids

Loving the level of detail 😉. And it's really great that you can take time off and your dh the same, but you can surely see that it's not necessarily the same for all families. There a limit to annual leave which has to be spread out across holidays. Most employees aren't up for unpaid leave as the job still needs to be done otherwise they wouldn't be employed anyway.
I think it's lovely the way you do it if you can but
I really can't see the problem of waiting till everyone home from work

He does his hobby on his one day off? And you think she is being unreasonable? Poor kid. Poor, poor kid.

That's when he does his hobby

So, shop first (unless he is out with friends)

Then "hobby"

Then family.

He doesn't sound quite so caring if he can't put aside his day off for his family / daughter.

I don't think she's being unreasonable. Fair enough not taking a day off but he wasn't even willing to spend time with her on his actual day off. Especially since it's only once a year and he could have done his hobby every other week.

Well that was a bit of a drip feed. It kind of changes things a bit if he wouldn't give up one week of his hobby for a day out x

Well that was a bit of a drip feed. It kind of changes things a bit if he wouldn't give up one week of his hobby for a day out x

Mumoftwoyoungkids that's great if it works for you, but it doesn't work for everyone.

I can't afford to waste holiday days for birthdays, and I only have one DD. One of my friends has 4 kids at three different schools/nurseries - her and her DH save all their work holidays for the school holidays. They try to overlap a week or so in the summer so that they can go away on a family holiday (even if it's just in the UK) but then the rest of their holidays are strategically arranged to try and cover the school holidays so they don't have to pay over the odds for childcare/holiday clubs etc.

If they had to take four days each of their holidays so that the kids could have them both there all day for their birthdays that would be eight days worth of childcare they'd then have to pay for in the holidays (not to mention trying to fit in any time for them to do things for themselves, or family events, weddings etc)

Your update OP is just awful.

As was said upthread poor poor girl. She comes a very poor 3rd in the pecking order doesn't she.

I have created it!? How!? He hasn't been there for any of her parties... When she hit school age it wasn't any different and when the kids were having a party after school (limo party is one I remember when they were picked straight from school at around age 10) how could I say no to that and demand she just goes on a meal out at 8 pm?? She never used to ask then as her dad was off to work in London for 6 days and she knew time off wasn't possible, when he moved, yes, even I expected him to close up a couple of hours early so we could all do her chosen thing, it was her birthday. However, he didn't and I didn't think that badly of him. Last year when he closed up for the day to go out with his friends, DD was really hurt (to the point of almost tears) and asked if for her 15th he could please take the day off (she wanted us to take her to an attraction) - her birthday fell on the Saturday and it was open by the time he'd be done with work (like almost all of her other parties, hence I didn't wait for dad to get home ) and he said no... She's 15 and a bit stroppy I suppose. I would never slap her. She's a good kid. I do think it's mean to not attend her dad's birthday and I don't think it's right... but I suppose it is what it is. I think she'll regret it but I guess that's her regret to have forever. She also does have a job (although is it really the norm for 15 yos to have a job?) she's only in year 10 and it's only a paper round.

I have changed my mind actually. At the start I thought she was being a bit unreasonable as we always celebrated birthdays at the weekend due to work, but if he won't go on a day out for her birthday at the weekend either then I can see her point.

He shuts up for his friends but in your daughter's whole life he has never taken a day off? Then he won't celebrate on her day off because he wants to do his hobby. That sends a pretty clear message about her importance and it isn't a good one.

As someone who had a father who just didn't spend time with me, it was never about the money. I would have skipped many trips to the zoo if he could have made time for me instead of his friends. Now our relationship is not very good really as I am tired of making the effort.

He's happy to take a day off to spend time with his mates but not for his own daughter's birthday? No she is not bu and he is for not seeing her on her birthday.

Sorry that wasn't meant to be a drip feed at all was actually trying to stick up for him! The hobby on the Sunday isn't that important, but he wouldn't not do it, if her birthday were to fall on it I don't think he'd do it, but he wouldn't not do it for a party that isn't her birthday IYSWIM?

I can't believe you still think she's being unreasonable after that drip feed!

YABU.

No not in the wrong, that's a bit harsh. I have said many times that I see what she means and have listed points. I just think she'll regret not going to her dad's birthday dinner when she isn't even doing anything. He will most likely (hopefully) die before her and I hold regrets about my dad and I'd hate for her to.

She will regret it alright. In Chinese culture parent's birthdays are a big deal. It means your page ts are lucky enough to see old age. So many are not. Children birthdays are not so much of a big deal, as normally it is expected in the natural course of things that a child will live to see many more birthdays after their parents pass. Poor man working hard 6 days a week and punished for the meagre leisure time he has by his own children.
The comment about sending money when he is old is really rude. I would be very worried about what kind of child I was bringing up if a child of mine could say that. Whatever wrongs my parents have done to Me, I can never imagine punishing them for it. And this is hardly a wrong d9ne to her. Just something she refuses to compromise on.

You will both reap what you sew. And it won't be pretty. You for blaming her. And him for never being there.

I asked upthread, who is parenting whom?

The hobby on the Sunday isn't that important, but he wouldn't not do it, if her birthday were to fall on it I don't think he'd do it, but he wouldn't not do it for a party that isn't her birthday IYSWIM?

So the only way he'd attend her birthday party is if it happens that her birthday falls on a Sunday and she's having a party, otherwise there's literally no plan for the day that he can spare the time for?

Yeah, slap her round the chops, the spoilt little mare.

@fatdogs I agree the comment was rude. I suppose she was just trying to say that time spent with someone is more important than how much money is given. Definitely wrong though and I said so.

The poor child. He can take days off now for mates. She ASKED him to take day off for her birthday and he refused and he does a hobby on the one day of the week he doesn't work. No wonder she is upset. I am AMAZED you can't see it. At this rate she will have no relationship with him once she is an adult. Is he happy for that? I accept he provides materially for her bur she is trying to tell him she wants a relationship with him and to spend time with him but NOTHING you have said gives the impression he is at all bothered. Very sad situation.