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Original poster

Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

395 replies

TrackedNoSignature · 07/06/2017 16:10

DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

OP posts:
Oblomov17 · 07/06/2017 21:59

There is no relationship between your dd and her dh. Because he has invested no time in said relationship.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/06/2017 22:01

Well I don't any family where every working member takes time off in the daytime for their child's birthday if it falls on a school day because they have to work. In every family I know, the birthday is celebrated in the evening and/or at the nearest weekend. I mean, who goes to the zoo after school?

People have to work. It's what adults do.

VestaVirgin propel who run their own businesses often work longer hours than employed people. Often in order to make the business profitable because it can't support employee salaries. Not everyone who has their own business is a multi millionaire. That's not rocket science is it?

ShapelyBingoWing · 07/06/2017 22:02

I hate this attitude that a lot of people have about children that says they have to act grateful and always behave the way they're told because the parent who's telling them to is providing for them. As if the parent is somehow doing their child a favour and the child isn't in circumstances that leave them short of options. It's a dick move to hold a child's dependency over them. It'd be considered abusive if we did the same to a non earning partner and there are plenty of ways to parent without resorting to it.

I'm inclined to agree with your DD OP but I also think she needs to have it explained to her that work commitments can't always be avoided, birthday or not. And I reckon if your DH offered to do something nice with just the two of them on his day off, she may well soften a bit.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 07/06/2017 22:13

So DH refuses to take the day off for her birthday, refuses to come home early to celebrate her birthday AND refuses to celebrate it on her day off.

Or in other words apart from a tiny amount of time when he's knackered before or after his day at work and the celebrations she's begged him to be part of he refuses to properly celebrate his daughters birthday and has done for 15 years.

Surely you have bigger problems than her choosing to do the same?

Have you considered family counselling or even asking her to open up to him how hurt she is?

KatyBerry · 07/06/2017 22:13

I spent my birthdays from the age of 9 - 18 at boarding school without a visit or phonecall from my parents. I struggle to give as much of a fuck about my mother's birthdays now as she'd like me to. You reap what you sow and your husband is about to realise that.

nooka · 07/06/2017 22:20

I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand I don't recall my parents ever taking time off for my birthday (or any birthday for that matter). We celebrated as a family with when we were all together, so we had a late evening or weekend meal. Organised events were done by my mother when they happened (not very often, but they were great) as she had more time. That seems pretty normal and unexpected if you have the set up of one parent working very long hours and the other being very part time.

I loved my dad very much even though he was out of the house until 7.30 or so every night, traveled for work fairly frequently and spent chunks of weekends doing child unfriendly stuff. When he had time he was very present and supportive and so that's what I remember.

On the other hand it's not clear from the OP whether her dh spends any time with his dd (completely setting aside the birthday thing). If she feels he has no time for her or interest in her life that is probably the issue that's led to the current stroppiness.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/06/2017 22:20

Pretty sure I'm not being a "goody fucker". Was just answering the posts that said "I don't know anyone who takes the day off for their kids birthdays" by saying that we do.

Because it is important to us.

Every single other day off we have goes to covering school holidays (and to be fair our children's birthdays are at such a time of year that makes it more likely than not that at least one will be in the school holidays, and there is a 5 in 7 chance that one will be at the weekend - ds was conveniently born around a bank holiday weekend - so that makes it easier) but (kids) birthdays we do take off.

Don't take our birthdays off - although I generally have mine off as we are usually on our summer holiday then. This year we will be packing for it - oh joy!

Op - I think your Dh is far more likely to regret missing every single one of your daughters birthdays than she will regret missing one of her dad's birthdays. Presumably (unlike him) she bothered to turn up for the others? Or was she busy with her hobby?

fatdogs · 07/06/2017 22:23

@shapelybingowing maybe I see it from a different perspective but I don't think reminding children of their comfortable lives is holding their dependency over them. The duty of a parent is to bring up a child. But there are different degrees of provision and of course good parents strive to give their children the best over and above minimum. Children should be aware and reminded of this effort so they know to do the same in future. As for children being in circumstances where they are short on choice that's another good life lesson. They can have choice when they are grown and independent. Never compromise independence if you want choices in life.

fatdogs · 07/06/2017 22:26

I have to say that for whatever reason the OP's husband doesn't seem to want to make a concession even though it seems that this is a one time request. While I think the daughters response is quite petulent, surely a one off concession to her birthday wish would have been possible since she asked him in advance.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 07/06/2017 22:30

After the follow up post I have come around to your DD's side.

She asked well in advance for him to take the time off for a specific event. He could have arranged it if it was important to him, it clearly wasn't that important. Added that he won't take time off on his day off to celebrate her birthday once a year just makes it seem like he really doesn't enjoy spending time with her. That's hurtful.

I think you need to start worrying about regrets your DH may have as well as your DD tbh.

llangennith · 07/06/2017 22:44

I think you DD is very astute young lady. Hopefully when she gets married she'll be looking for someone who'll take more interest in their DC than your DH does.

ShapelyBingoWing · 07/06/2017 22:48

We'll have to agree to disagree fatdogs. I think that not allowing them choices until they're independent is an awful attitude. As far as levels of provision is concerned, yes there are different levels of provision and yes we should bring our children up to be aware of their good fortune. But there are ways to do that which don't imply to a teenager that they aren't allowed to be unhappy with something because we're wonderful enough to keep a roof over their head. Which is what a lot of the comments on this thread may as well say and is also the attitude I get from the OP. This DD specifically asked her dad to spend time with her just once for a birthday activity. He won't take the time off, won't do it at the weekend either, has never spent her birthday with her but is able to take time off to spend with his friends. The 'but he's providing' attitude isn't an excuse for shitty parenting. Providing is the absolute minimum.

AnathemaPulsifer · 07/06/2017 22:52

If he'll take the day off for his friends but wouldn't even miss his weekly hobby to take his daughter to a theme park the day after her birthday, HIBU.

jarhead123 · 07/06/2017 22:54

I would be hurt if I was her too

AnathemaPulsifer · 07/06/2017 22:54

How much of every Sunday does he spend on his hobby? This is a pretty serious stance she's taking, you need to ask yourself some very hard questions about whether she has good reasons for feeling she isn't a priority for her dad.

ozymandiusking · 07/06/2017 22:56

At 15 she should do as she's told. A family occasion, she gets ready and goes with the family. No discussion.

ohfourfoxache · 07/06/2017 23:01

Agree Mysterious

It's only in the last few years that my dad has realised what a shit dad he was when we were growing up. The lightbulb moment came for him when he lost his temper about something he himself had just done and I burst into tears. I was 26, married and with our own home.

Whenever he was at home growing up he'd be grumpy and tired and have temper flares - usually because he was either tired from work or was trying to work from home. Me being around just annoyed him. My sis was great though- she's the type of person you just can't get annoyed by. But that particular flare when I was an adult was horrible. When he saw the effect it had on me he cried and apologised for being shit. But by then a quarter of a century had passed. Those are years that we'll never get back.

Oh, and the hobby thing? Yeah. Same. When we were away on holiday (i.e. the only fucking time we'd get as a family) he fucked off doing his hobby. When I dared complain about this, I was told that just spending time together was boring. He'd rather do his hobby.

Please please please, if you take one thing from what I've just written, let it be this: life is short and you don't get another shot at it. I'm a 34 year old (soon to be) Mum of 2 and I've got tears streaming down my face. If you think your dd is not going to be affected later on by what is happening now - yeah, you could be right. But are you willing to take that gamble?

Justmuddlingalong · 07/06/2017 23:02

^Because family occasions are right up there in priority, right?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/06/2017 23:02

At 15 she should do as she's told. A family occasion, she gets ready and goes with the family. No discussion.

Definitely important for her to travel with the family. If she turned up to the restaurant separately she might struggle to recognise the birthday boy.

Sallystyle · 07/06/2017 23:05

At 15 she should do as she's told. A family occasion, she gets ready and goes with the family. No discussion.

See, I'm the opposite. I like to have discussions with my teens, especially if they are clearly upset over their father.

This girl has a good reason to be hurt with her dad and a good reason to not want to make an effort with him. If this was my daughter id tell my husband that you reap what you sow.

Read this again from a PP.

So DH refuses to take the day off for her birthday, refuses to come home early to celebrate her birthday AND refuses to celebrate it on her day off.

Look at what kind of father this is. Why the fuck should she be made to go to his birthday? Because she is a teen and should do what she is told? I would be quite proud of my daughter for making her point actually. However, I wouldn't be defending him on MN either.

verystressedmum · 07/06/2017 23:29

Dh doesn't take the day off work for the dcs birthday and never has. No one I know takes the day off either, especially for a 15 year old.
We have the celebrations when he gets back from work. We go out when he's back.

Doesn't sound extreme that he's shut shop TWICE.

Inkypink0 · 07/06/2017 23:33

I'd be fucking ashamed of that was our dd.

People clearly have no idea what it's like to run your own buisness - you can't just shut up shop when some one demands it, it has huge consequences.

And he dared have two days off - Christ on a bike what is the world coming too.

Dh has missed loads of dds birthdays but he makes up for it in other ways - one of those being that he provides every thing we need. You can't just say don't work as hard/be home more/ ect.. because who the fuck will pay the fucking bills? Hardly going to be miss entitled 15 year old is it??

Inkypink0 · 07/06/2017 23:35

And I wouldn't miss my fucking hobby either! It's one of the times I manage to escape with no kids or dh - they'd be getting told to do one - she is 15 ffs.

DirtyChaiLatte · 07/06/2017 23:45

So do most people take the day off from work for all their kid's birthdays?

I'm genuinely curious.

Butterymuffin · 07/06/2017 23:56

I don't and can't, but then I don't work six days a week and choose to spend the other day doing a hobby instead of with my family.

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