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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£10 too small a gift for wedding

160 replies

poggybum · 06/06/2017 15:57

I've changed my username in fear of being recognised Grin I wonder what people's opinions are on only putting £10cash in a card for a relative I can't stand and doesn't currently talk to me but I have to go to the wedding (long story) DH & I are on a super tight budget right now and barely break even at the end of the month right now. The bride and groom have asked for cash and I know I'll get an aggressive call from my mum because the bridezilla is obsessed with money and will likely complain to her. I feel embarrassed because I know the bride will tell everyone but I don't want to take money out of savings for her. AIBU to stick to my guns on this one?

OP posts:
TheMysteriousJackelope · 06/06/2017 17:39

Send a card and no money because it sounds like you are on horrible terms anyway.

If it was someone you truly liked and could only afford ten pounds, that would still be OK as a nice person would understand and wouldn't want you to go into debt for a wedding present.

gamerwidow · 06/06/2017 17:40

Either go and take a proper present or don't go and send a card.
I think given the state of your relationship £10 will be correctly interpreted as an insult.
Fwiw I am currently no contact with my sister so I get that family relationships are not always rosy but you need to either commit to going to the wedding and make a proper show of it or stay away if she really is as awful as you say.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 06/06/2017 17:42

How about a set of home made gift cheques? Some that actually are worth something...

Dear Dsis,

I hope you have a most wonderful day and you enjoy your honeymoon. I wanted to make the day last so have prepared some IOU's for your first few months..

Framing your favourite Wedding photo for your return from honeymoon
A meal for us and our husbands on your first month anniversary
A bunch of flowers from your bouquet for your two month anniversary
A games night in with DH and I (including wine!!) For your three month anniversary.

With much love

Your adoring sister.

(Keep a look out in charity shops / eBay for a frame and if the relationship is as bad as you say, she won't take you up on number two or four. You can be professionally offended and decline to carry on with number three and any others you care to add to the list...)

gluteustothemaximus · 06/06/2017 17:44

When my brother got married, they asked for money even though they had plenty

I was broke, but gave them £100!!! Didn't even get a thank you. Was told, well, every little helps. Little!!

Wish I'd not bothered, but felt pressured.

I really wouldn't go. Hate the pressure of gifts and money at weddings.

KindleBueno · 06/06/2017 17:45

You can't have your cake and eat it. You either go to the family wedding to save face and give a gift that's not an insult or you give a card with nothing in it and don't go.

BabyLedWhining · 06/06/2017 17:47

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for money BUT you have to accept any amount. You can set up a registry for chunks of money. £10 is fine:

BabyLedWhining · 06/06/2017 17:48

What about getting her a wedding money box as a gift?

MaryShelley1818 · 06/06/2017 17:49

I am nc with my sister however I still send the children gifts, and sent presents (voucher and a card) at Birthday/Christmas. No idea why as she's truly a horrible person but I'd rather keep things civil for the sake of my parents. It must be very hard for them being stuck in the middle.

I wouldn't send £10 as it looks awful but if I couldn't afford much, I'd wrap up a photo frame and bottle of wine instead.

milliemolliemou · 06/06/2017 17:50

Certainly let them know you won't be coming if that's what you choose to do and don't go the D&V route. I'd go for the rose in a plant pot you could get on Ebay - if of course they have a garden. £10 in an envelope isn't worth your or their while. So either dip into your savings and go, be inventive on Ebay and go, or just don't go.

fannydaggerz · 06/06/2017 18:03

I would pop a card in the post with an IOU

GlitterGlue · 06/06/2017 18:07

Does anyone have a spare BHS voucher?

Amaried · 06/06/2017 18:09

Think you'd let yourself down by attending and then only giving a tenner.. either stay at home and give nothing or attend and give a proper present.

ethelfleda · 06/06/2017 18:13

I second others... keep the £10! My DHs sister gave us sod all for our wedding (she asked for bank details and then Nothing?) But we didn't say anything or take offence. It is optional after all.

ethelfleda · 06/06/2017 18:15

And she was there with the whole family... I was just happy they were there.

Craiconwithit · 06/06/2017 18:18

£10 is plenty.
I went to one nephew's wedding and didn't take a present and sent just a card to the other nephew's wedding. I like them both and get on ok with them but I'm just not into giving (pointless) gifts. They were both older and financially sorted when they got married (30's and 40's) so I'd rather use my limited spare money for family members who are struggling (disabled brother).
I expressly stated on the invites not to buy gifts when I got married so it's not a one sided affair.

NotCitrus · 06/06/2017 18:28

I'd just send a card in this case, but amazed at how much other people are saying to give for a wedding even if broke!

For our wedding we had a list and lots of friends who weren't very well off. We let it be known we really wanted the crockery and every plate and bowl and mug would count (from £3.95 upwards). About 25 people all chipped in for it, a plate or two each, and we still appreciate them all every time we use it.

I'd hate anyone to feel they should go into debt to attend a wedding!

lazyarse123 · 06/06/2017 19:30

We recently attended a much loved relatives wedding and put a tenner in a card as that's all we could afford. Nobody sneered at us and we got a lovely thank you card 2 weeks later. To the pp saying put more in, the poor op can't afford it. I would just do it as it sounds like whatever you give will not be enough.

kel1234 · 06/06/2017 19:34

I wouldn't go if I wasn't talking to the person, family or not.
(Argh, my hatred of grabby couples asking for wedding presents)

BabyLedWhining · 06/06/2017 20:30

I'd hate anyone to feel they should go into debt to attend a wedding!

This^ those of you saying don't bother if that's all you're giving would you really not want someone to come to your wedding because they were skint?? Shock I know they've got history but it's her sister and she obviously wants the op there

happypoobum · 06/06/2017 20:41

I would be quite shocked if someone I was no longer on speaking terms with had the temerity to show up at my wedding.

I think it would be extremely bad form for you to go OP, family or not.

Leeds2 · 06/06/2017 20:52

I wouldn't go to the wedding, but send a card wishing every happiness minus the cash.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 06/06/2017 21:01

Don't bother with the tenner if you're just going to get slagged off for it anyway. If the result will be the same either way, save yourself the cash. I wouldnt bother going to the wedding either if you're not speaking to her, quite frankly.

ScouseQueen · 06/06/2017 21:02

Agree with a non-cash present as that blurs the budget issue. Something personal like the pp who did a photo album, of family photos, she couldn't really argue with. I like the wedding rose from Amazon for under £10 too. Asda have a bottle of champagne on offer for £9 atm - it's not bad either!

I'd send one of those and a card saying sorry you can't be there for medical reasons (the raised blood pressure it would cause, you don't have to spell that out though..)

indigox · 06/06/2017 21:05

I'm sick of being a doormat with her

You're being a doormat by going to a wedding you don't want to go to.

Instasista · 06/06/2017 21:16

OP you seem to be really making this about you and I have a sneaking suspicion if we knew sisters side of this story it would look very different.

Your card and gift really don't matter. Giving a tiny amount (don't your savings mean you can easily give more? C'mon, stop making excuses!) is a way to make the day and aftermath about you, in a way, isn't it? You could just give £50 and a card and keep your dignity. Or, just don't go. Seems like that would be best all round

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