Husband chatting online to Facebook friend (FBF)

[HoosierDaddy]

Asking for a friend not really

H is involved in various clubs and hobbies. For one club he takes photos at events and people tag themselves etc. He has ended up "friending" some of these people so they can see his stuff. So far, so normal.

One of these people, from last year, has taken to messaging him on FB, and the 2 of them chat a bit back and forth. I knew this, he mentioned it at the time and on ocassion since when I hear his phone ping. I said it was weird, on both parts, to be chatting to strangers about "nothing really, just chat"

Fast forward to this morning and his phone went before we'd got up. I asked who it was, sometimes he gets early messages from his sister. It was FBF. H has never hidden this. He said it was FBF straight away, and genuinely didn't seem to think anything of it.

I got pretty pissed off, had a rant about the inappropriate-ness of it all and went to get showered and ready to work.

We then had a heated discussion, which boiled downto me not being happy at all, him seeming genuinely shocked that I was upset, and me explaining in bullet points why it is not on. I believe him when he says there was nothing inappropriate about the conversation content itself, my argument is that having conversations at all with FBF is not ok. AIBU in expecting him to stop? Actually, to expect him to realise this for himself, that getting a message before you're even out of fucking bed is not normal? When I pointed it out, he agreed with me, but why couldn't he see that for himself. Blah. I am cross and not sure if it's justified. It ended with him saying it would end as of now, he was equally upset as me, when he copped how annoyed I was. I honestly believe he wasn't flitting or sexual in his messages. I just think he was stupid not to stop and think why is this woman messaging me regularly, wouldn't her own partner mind?? I guess I want to know if AIBU and WWYD?

As long as you are happy for him to control your friendships then do what you think is right.

I think you can ask for times to be curtailed and if he is speaking to them more than you that I would point that out.

But you are being very unreasonable to state that having a FBF is not ok.

Could you explain to me, with bullet points, why he can't have a Facebook friend?

You sound slightly unhinged.

You have put into a few short lines exactly what I couldn't get my head around. See, we have never had any issues with who the other interacts with. So why am I so uncomfortable about him chatting to this woman? I can't get to the bottom of my own reaction, I just feel uneasy in my gut.

OP, I agree with you. We all like to have friends but not at any cost. Boundaries are needed.

Why would she need to contact him so much and so early anyway? There's no need for it.

Are you a bit jealous of the time he spends talking to her, when he could spend that time talking with you?

Yanbu. If it is constant messaging it starts to sound like it is the start of an emotional affair. It might not be, but he's laying in before next to you, ignoring you whilst he chats to someone else. He's sat watching the telly, completely absorbed in his chatty conversation to the detriment of your relationship. He's nurturing his relationship with fbf at the cost of your relationship. It's too much and it's hurting you. It's not a case of not wanting him to have a friend, you just don't want to come in second to a friendship with another woman. Yanbu at all.

I think it would depend on the content of the chat.

They don't flirt. He isn't interested. What is your problem? So what she messaged him early? Maybe she gets up really early.

You sound massively controlling. If my husband said this to me I would ignore him and it would be the beginning of the end. You will push him away and make him feel claustrophobic.

Coffee I posted before seeing your reply. My bullets were (and I know I am probably unreasonable)

• they don't know each other in real life,
• they don't have any shared hobbies/groups on FB
• they don't interact on his wall. It's all via pm. She never "likes" any of his pictures or posts.
• the messages are at (what I would consider) weird times. Like this morning.
• while I think he isn't doing anything wrong in the content of his messages, I don't think he'd like another man messaging me day or night.
• normally he'd mention if he had heard from a friend, he never mentions FBF.

Any of my FB friends are there for him to see. I don't sit PM'ing people unless they are my real life friends. Any other "friends" are from groups that I liked, and all kept to hobby/group convos on their pages.

And I realise I sound like a teenager and/or a control freak.

I had a thread like this last year. Mine was texts (innocent enough content) with a female that he works with. He had been deleting all his messages (which rang alarm bells) and when the phone bill came there were up to 30 a day. Anyway he knew how it looked and ceased text contact straight away. Just trying to say I know how you feel and it can be unnerving when your partner has so much contact with another woman, even when it is all seemingly innocent.

You sound controlling and awful. It's one thing to insist on ending a friendship that is crossing boundaries but it's another to insist on ending a friendship... because it's a friendship.

Why would her own partner mind? They are friends. She probably is on facebook all day messaging everyone. If the messages were really numerous then fine. Or flirty or sexy. Or if he were really close to her and it seemed too close. But none of that applies. You are so 100% out of order.

You sound very controlling. Does he vet who you can speak to?

Absolutely bonkers reaction, he's chatting to someone with mutual interests, what's commonly known as a friend. Because it's via text, it's completely normal to send a message when it's convenient for the sender, irrespective of it's 5pm or 5am, the reciever reads it when they want - that is normal. Controlling who your DH can be friends with, or when he can talk to them is not normal.

My sister sent me a message 2 hours before I was up today, because that's when she's up and convenient for sending messages, I read it when I got up...

Just saw your update post. Unless you about to drip feed that they chat 30 times a day, those bullet points are nothing.

She may post at weird times because she's on a diff time zone or has a job with weird hours.

Wow

Nah, it is weird. It's PMing without public communication which automatically feels secretive.

If they don't know eachother IRL then what was it based on and why. I'd assume she fancied him as she has nothing else to go on.

Ah bloody hell, I am too slow at replying.

I don't feel neglected generally, we both spend equal amounts of time online.

We have a great time together, we had a lovely weekend away, we're happy in each others company.

You know what, I guess I am unfair. I have to figure out myself why I feel uneasy about it, and basically get over myself.

while I think he isn't doing anything wrong in the content of his messages, I don't think he'd like another man messaging me day or night.

Exactly, and I expect almost nobody would like to have their partner lying next to them in bed exchanging messages with OM/OW in private, that they don't know. Let alone waking them up in the morning - what a way to start your day!

I wouldn't control all friendships, but this is a bridge too far in my opinion. If he wants to lie in bed in private conversations with random women from the internet he can do it in his nice new (one person) bedsit.

If it's any consolation OP that's what I need to do too, which kind of renders my advice crap.

No I think your first instinct was right. You're not controlling, or you'd be objecting to more than just this person.

Are they messaging each other all day? Is he the first person she contacts each day and vice versa?

I agree with you, OP. Just seems very odd.

You know what, I guess I am unfair. I have to figure out myself why I feel uneasy about it, and basically get over myself

Well you know best, but I wouldn't beat yourself up over something that would probably bother most of us. Instead of doing that, communicate with DH about it.

Have a think about it first - decide what is controlling/jealous bullshit you need to swallow, and what is a reasonable point.

On not wanting DH lying in bed with you getting private communications from some woman you don't know and who has no actual connection to him, YANBU

I talk to people i have never met lots on MN. I do this really early/late. Send pm's. Meet up with some in rl. i can't see an issue at all and if i was your dh i'd tell you to piss off.

Bear in mind that mumsnet is a parallel universe where everyone claims they'd be totally cool with their husbands chatting to female friends on the phone at all hours of the day and night. I don't think you're overreacting. Listen to your gut.