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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband chatting online to Facebook friend (FBF)

170 replies

HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 10:13

Asking for a friend not really

H is involved in various clubs and hobbies. For one club he takes photos at events and people tag themselves etc. He has ended up "friending" some of these people so they can see his stuff. So far, so normal.

One of these people, from last year, has taken to messaging him on FB, and the 2 of them chat a bit back and forth. I knew this, he mentioned it at the time and on ocassion since when I hear his phone ping. I said it was weird, on both parts, to be chatting to strangers about "nothing really, just chat"

Fast forward to this morning and his phone went before we'd got up. I asked who it was, sometimes he gets early messages from his sister. It was FBF. H has never hidden this. He said it was FBF straight away, and genuinely didn't seem to think anything of it.

I got pretty pissed off, had a rant about the inappropriate-ness of it all and went to get showered and ready to work.

We then had a heated discussion, which boiled downto me not being happy at all, him seeming genuinely shocked that I was upset, and me explaining in bullet points why it is not on. I believe him when he says there was nothing inappropriate about the conversation content itself, my argument is that having conversations at all with FBF is not ok. AIBU in expecting him to stop? Actually, to expect him to realise this for himself, that getting a message before you're even out of fucking bed is not normal? When I pointed it out, he agreed with me, but why couldn't he see that for himself. Blah. I am cross and not sure if it's justified. It ended with him saying it would end as of now, he was equally upset as me, when he copped how annoyed I was. I honestly believe he wasn't flitting or sexual in his messages. I just think he was stupid not to stop and think why is this woman messaging me regularly, wouldn't her own partner mind?? I guess I want to know if AIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
beachcomber243 · 06/06/2017 11:23

I'm with the OP on this one. She isn't controlling or unhinged to be unhappy at her husband getting messages from another woman whilst still in bed in the morning. I would not be happy at all. If her Dh cannot see or understand her feelings then he should have a long think about himself.

It depends on the context of the messages, but the other woman is intrusive and doesn't seem to have a good sense of boundaries or respect.

JaneEyre70 · 06/06/2017 11:23

I'd actually be OK with a FBF and using Messenger to talk. I'd be far more upset if they'd swapped mobile numbers and were talking via text or whatsapp as that's involving more effort IYSWIM. I think you need to apologise, and have a chat about why you've reacted like this. In fairness he doesn't sound like he's done much wrong. My DH chats to all sorts of people on FB, he promotes his business on there and joins lots of local sites/business groups where he talks equally to men and women. Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

ShoesHaveSouls · 06/06/2017 11:24

I know everyone's calling you controlling etc, OP - but this would get my spidey-senses tingling too.

New female friendship - lots of to and fro chatting. It's how affairs start. Which does not mean he will necessarily starting an affair - but it is how they start.

I don't think my DH would be too pleased about me getting texts from another man at all hours either.

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 11:25

This is all food for thought, I am genuinely reading and thinking about all your replies.

He would have no problem letting me read it. He offered me his phone this morning. We are on each others laptops regularly. This morning I was in a snot and told him to stick his phone.

Ah I don't know any more. I don't think he is lying to me. He has a lot of female friends. Some I know, some I don't. I have never got a dodgy feeling about any of them.

I am now thinking that my unease is with her, not him. Which isn't fair on some woman who is entitled to be friends with whoever she wants, isn't she?

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 06/06/2017 11:26

We are all entitled to set our own boundaries within relationships. Some people think kissing isn't cheating, others draw the line at porn. If this level of communication with a stranger is making you feel uncomfortable you are entitled to feel that way, it's not like you're telling him he can't go out to his hobbies or strike up other friendships. I'm sure you wouldn't be kicking up a fuss if he'd always interacted in the same way with male friends (or even longstanding female ones). You just know that something doesn't feel right in the broader context of his usual behaviour patterns. I don't blame you at all for not liking it.

lanouvelleheloise · 06/06/2017 11:28

I chat a LOT to people on Facebook. Those I know in real life and those I know on the internet, male and female, UK-based and abroad. However, DH and I have a policy of 'open communications' - we both use each other's phones all the time (sometimes my phone is upstairs, sometimes he has low battery etc etc). We don't keep anything private from the other, but nor do we feel the need to check up on each other. Everything's just out in the open. We also have a rule (which has never been spoken) of not using social media when we do get time together, so our attention isn't being pulled away constantly by a pinging phone.

metspengler · 06/06/2017 11:29

@Koala - my primary concern would be that I wouldn't want to give DH stress and worry - and that is grounded in my respect for the fact he would never ask or control. He probably wouldn't be bothered, and I would have some big questions as to why if he was, but if he was bothered that would be that.

If neither of you would be bothered and neither of you goes over the side it sounds like there is no wrong to be righted (and you sound like a very happy and well-matched couple Smile )

Huskylover1 · 06/06/2017 11:29

You need to see the messages.

They will either put your mind at ease (great), or you won't like the tone in which case at least you know what you're up against.

You'll have loads of people telling you not to snoop, but I would, purely for self preservation.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2017 11:30

I wouldn't like it if the messages were frequent and definitely not if they were scenario 1 upthread.

Allegorygirl · 06/06/2017 11:33

I think that you know him well enough to know his intentions are innocent enough. But I agree that you don't know her.
I'm a really firm believer in trusting your gut instincts in situations. It might not make much sense st the time, but it's usually right.

metspengler · 06/06/2017 11:33

Ah I don't know any more. I don't think he is lying to me. He has a lot of female friends. Some I know, some I don't. I have never got a dodgy feeling about any of them.

Then be ever so careful you don't hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. I'd ponder at length what is unreasonable and what isn't, and give yourself a rule, a 24 hour cooling off period between deciding what to say/do, and saying/doing it. That way you will have fully digested/considered your decision and can filter out what isn't good.

Flowers
TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 06/06/2017 11:34

I have lots of male & female on-line friends and we do message a lot on FB, but it's mainly because of a shared activity that we've all done for a long time. I often look at messages before I get out of bed if I don't have to jump out that morning.

If you're not normally 'controlling' about his friendships, something has really got to you about this one, and I think you probably need to read the exchange to reassure yourself. As a one-off it's not totally weird.

Keep calm!

SirVixofVixHall · 06/06/2017 11:37

I chat to people on Twitter, sometimes we pm, often that will be late in the evening, sometimes someone will pm me first this as that is when they have got up and gone online. I don't understand at all why it bothers you? Would it still bother you if this was a man?

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 11:41

Ok, let's say I read them, and I don't like her tone, even if there is nothing overtly flirty in it. If H is just responding in a non-committal way, then what? Am I then justified in my reaction? To be honest I have taken against her now anyway, haven't I?

Just pondering here, not expecting an answer

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 06/06/2017 11:44

I couldn't care less who my wife chats to online or IRL, what sex they are or even what their motive might be. I trust her, I don't need to trust them. She is a grown adult and quite capable of managing her own social relationships. I'm in no doubt she would let me know if she ever needed me for support so I feel no need to be monitoring her communications or social interactions. I trust her.

Your problem is not this woman. It's either that somewhere deep down you don't have complete trust in your husband or you don't fully appreciate what trusting a partner really means.

TempusEedjit · 06/06/2017 11:46

I would be very Hmm if my DH wanted to prioritise a brand new "friendship" with someone he'd never met over something he knew upset me (especially as he'd also feel equally uncomfortable if it were the other way round).

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 11:48

The time of day bugged me because I don't understand why anyone would wake up and think oh I wonder what "person I have never met" is up to right now, and message him.

I think it's different to a "real-life" friend or relative. I can't explain why. It just doesn't sit right with me.

She is in same time zone btw. She lives near the area where we're from (we moved years ago). The event that they first got in contact about is held annually at home.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 06/06/2017 11:50

I'm with you OP. My husband would feel the same. Feels like a bit of boundary crossing on her part to me. I think your DH doesn't see it and if he's open to letting you see the messages then do.

I have male friends and they don't private message me, they go into my wall on FB.

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 11:50

Herotherhalf you make a very good point. Thank you

OP posts:
RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 06/06/2017 11:52

Does your husband need any help getting out of this controlling relationship?

HerOtherHalf · 06/06/2017 11:53

I would be very hmm if my DH wanted to prioritise a brand new "friendship" with someone he'd never met over something he knew upset me (especially as he'd also feel equally uncomfortable if it were the other way round).

It depends what prioritising actually looks like though. If my wife said to me "look I know you're really enjoying your new friendship with XYZ but the time you spend on them is starting to noticeably impact your time with me and the family" I would give it serious consideration, probably agree with her because she's not an unreasonable person, and make adjustments. If however she was expecting me to bin off a casual friendship for no other reason than because she says so I would think she was being entirely unreasonable and I would adjust my opinion of her.

KatharinaRosalie · 06/06/2017 11:54

there is no reason for a man and woman to have pointless chats other that a preamble to something more

So your main criteria for forming friendships or even having casual chats online is the absence of a penis?

RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 06/06/2017 11:58

Does your husband need any help getting out of this controlling relationship?

OnionKnight · 06/06/2017 11:59

I know many will disagree but there is no reason for a man and woman to have pointless chats other that a preamble to something more, be that emotional or physical.

What absolute bollocks.

HerOtherHalf · 06/06/2017 12:00

The time of day bugged me

I think that is just a cherry on top because she has already got under your skin. Or maybe people have different attitudes to this relatively new means of communicating. Personally, I would never phone someone at an unreasonable time because they have to respond immediately. I've never worried about sending texts, emails or FB IMs at strange hours because I assume they will deal with it when their ready.
As I said above I think you should think about why your trust is wavering. There may well be reasons on your husband's side that legitimise your gut instincts but equally it could be all in your head. Think it through, talk to him calmly and rationally and keep an open mind. Please think long and hard before you go snooping on his phone unless you have more to go on. That really is a breach of trust.