Husband chatting online to Facebook friend (FBF)

[HoosierDaddy]

Asking for a friend not really

H is involved in various clubs and hobbies. For one club he takes photos at events and people tag themselves etc. He has ended up "friending" some of these people so they can see his stuff. So far, so normal.

One of these people, from last year, has taken to messaging him on FB, and the 2 of them chat a bit back and forth. I knew this, he mentioned it at the time and on ocassion since when I hear his phone ping. I said it was weird, on both parts, to be chatting to strangers about "nothing really, just chat"

Fast forward to this morning and his phone went before we'd got up. I asked who it was, sometimes he gets early messages from his sister. It was FBF. H has never hidden this. He said it was FBF straight away, and genuinely didn't seem to think anything of it.

I got pretty pissed off, had a rant about the inappropriate-ness of it all and went to get showered and ready to work.

We then had a heated discussion, which boiled downto me not being happy at all, him seeming genuinely shocked that I was upset, and me explaining in bullet points why it is not on. I believe him when he says there was nothing inappropriate about the conversation content itself, my argument is that having conversations at all with FBF is not ok. AIBU in expecting him to stop? Actually, to expect him to realise this for himself, that getting a message before you're even out of fucking bed is not normal? When I pointed it out, he agreed with me, but why couldn't he see that for himself. Blah. I am cross and not sure if it's justified. It ended with him saying it would end as of now, he was equally upset as me, when he copped how annoyed I was. I honestly believe he wasn't flitting or sexual in his messages. I just think he was stupid not to stop and think why is this woman messaging me regularly, wouldn't her own partner mind?? I guess I want to know if AIBU and WWYD?

Maybe those people don't 'claim', maybe they genuinely don't care Swimming. It is possible some people are different than you.

I wouldn't want my DH striking up a friendship with someone he hasn't got to know in real life via facebook and then texting them all the time. I would find it weird. Fair enough if it is about the hobby or the thing they have in common, but if it's just general chat then it's odd.

Maybe ask your DP how he would feel if you struck up a friendship with a man you met through work and then started texting them all the time, it might put it into perspective for him.

How horrible it must be to be your DP!

Why isn't he allowed to make a new friend? They don't have to share hobbies or know each other in real life. It's hard to make friends as an adult. You sound awful. You say yourself there's nothing inappropriate or flirty, he's not hiding the messages.

Would you be upset if she was a man or a lesbian? Are you allowed to chat to men?

As for the early message, people all work on different time schedules. She might work very early or night shifts.

I'll chat to him at lunchtime. I've calmed down a bit now, I owe him an apology for losing the plot but I still think we need a chat about it. It's niggling at me and I don't know why really, just that it feels strange and secretive, and even though he might not be interested in her, she might be in him (or might not).

I don't think it's a bad thing that he is aware that it might be the case. She might be taking his comments as something more. Again I know that is not necessarily the case.

Anyway, thanks for the advice so far, it has helped.

I can see why you feel this way.

She may have an agenda. She may not. But I wouldn't be happy to take the risk.

I've had a man say to me once "doesn't your partner let you have friends" when I rejected his advances. I know it is different but the point is she may be into him.

I would not be happy and nor would my parter were it vice versa.

Call us jealous. Controlling. Whatever.

It hugely depends on the content of the messages!

No-one can really say if it's inappropriate, without knowing the content.

Even non-flirtly messages can differ vastly, in how much they would annoy me. For eg. let's say a woman was constantly messaging DH with texts like this :

"Hey you, good morning. How did you sleep? What are you up to today? Do you have anything nice planned? I'm going to have a nice soak in the bath"

OR

"Hi Dave. Please can you call the caterer about Saturday and let me know timings"

Neither text is flirtatious, however, text number 1 makes me feel very differently (uneasy) to text number 2.

I wouldn't like it either op, especially as you say they don't know each other in real life, only from a tagged photo he took at an event? It's like me taking a photo in a bar and adding a guy I didn't know who was in the background. It's creepy. Yanbu

I'd be pretty pissed off TBH, if my husband was private messaging with some random woman every day (is it every day?).

Then again, neither of us have FB, and all our shared and separate hobbies are conducted in real life scenario, not on the internet.

Maybe I just don't understand FB etiquette, but it sounds a bit odd to be messaging regularly. There's only so much you can say about a photo. And if it's not about photos, 'nothing really, just chat' then it sounds pretty odd to me. Talking to someone you don't know, about nothing really, is something I might do on a train or at a bus stop or in the hairdressers.

It would seem very intrusive to be sending or receiving 'nothing really, just chat' messages before I got out of bed in the morning.
I think my DH would hold the same view, whichever one of us was doing it.

I would personally feel I was BU if I was the one doing the PMing and DH was the one starting to look uncomfortable about it. He wouldn't dare to say anything about it but I would know, and I wouldn't pretend I didn't know because I'm not a shithouse.

We each have our own standards and relationships and we can only really judge based on those - that's what we all do I'm sure that's all Koala is doing and you are doing too, Swimming. I would damned well know I was doing something a bit wrong in this situation, and because DH would do his best not to control or judge, I know the ball would be entirely in my court to decide not to do this.

I feel for you, if this were happening with me I'd be thinking something wasn't quite right .

I normally am a bit at people stopping their partners having contact with friends with the opposite sex. But I think OP what you're saying is there's something that's bothering you about this particular "friendship" and I think it's always worth listening to your instinct and st least trying to figure out why.....

for example,
-is it just because it's a new person and all his other female friends pre-date your relationship
-is it because it's so exclusive- you don't know her and are not likely to be included in this friendship
-are you worried she's after your DH
-are you feeling insecure about something else and projecting
-are you feeling territorial as her messages feel disrespectful to you somehow
Etc
Etc

Always worth unpicking your feelings a bit. I think your Dh sounds like he's being really open with you though which is great.

Isn't the basic issue here one of trust?

Early in our relationship, DH (then DBF) went off on a 4-day holiday with a female friend, stayed in a twin room.

I can't say I was overjoyed, and I hadn't met the friend at that time either. But I talked to DH about it and trusted him.

Everything was fine. DH just has some female friends, I have some male friends.

There is no problem unless you think he's cheating on you, physically or emotionally. I recommend non-aggressive talking to him about it.

husky
What's wrong with text one? I text male friends like that all the time. Exactly the same as I would my female friends. Might even sign off with a couple of Xx

And I realise I sound like a teenager and/or a control freak
No, you don't. I wouldn't chat to a random bloke online for no reason. If I did because of a forum question or something, or interest group, I'd tell DH just to be transparent.
Your DH would probably feel the same if the boot was on the other foot.

Don't blame you OP. Trust your instincts. I know many will disagree but there is no reason for a man and woman to have pointless chats other that a preamble to something more, be that emotional or physical.

Oh FFS! Why do people say a woman is 'controlling,' 'awful,' and unhinged' etc etc etc, purely because she is UNDERSTANDABLY fucking pissed off at her husband constantly paying attention to another woman. Of course she is upset and jealous and angry. Anyone else would be, and if they say they wouldn't be, they're lying!

No man would tolerate this from his wife/partner; rushing to answer messages from an online 'friend' every 5 minutes, at all hours, particularly if that friend was someone of the opposite sex.

It's not a case of jealousy or being unreasonable or jealous or controlling; the man should show some more respect and consideration for his wife's feelings. This behaviour (from the husband) is NOT OK. FFS what is wrong with people?!

No OP, YANBU! Your husband is being a dick!

husky I think the messages are more like your scenario #1. I think they mainly originate from FBF, and he replies, not him starting the conversation.

He is a very friendly guy. He will happily strike up conversation with people wherever he is. I love that about him, he is genuinely interested in others and is generous with his time. So I agree that I am unreasonable to expect him nor to be chatty online.

It's not every day, but frequent enough I think.

I am saying "I think" because I haven't read any of it.

Has he ever offered to let you read any of the ,messages,/texts,?
I would go with your gut feeling if not,
I would feel very uncomfortable too, in your situation,
Might be totally innocent, but messaging first thing in a morning, even if the woman lived in another country, she would realise the time difference,if in this country sounds not right to text so early
I have had men messaging me ,not even knowing if i was in a realtionship or not, and suggesing meeting up etc,or suggestive remarks
i just block them,

I know many will disagree but there is no reason for a man and woman to have pointless chats other that a preamble to something more, be that emotional or physical.

I do disagree. My friends are roughly 50/50 male/female. I've talked to both sexes, texted them, emailed them, facebooked them, got drunk with them and slept in the same bed as them and never once have I had sex with any of them.

metspengler - how would you know you were doing something wrong? is it wrong because your dh wouldn't like it? or is it wrong because you wouldn't like it if your dh did it? if neither of you care is it still wrong? genuinely interested in the definition of 'wrongness'.

Neither dh or i would care btw. :)

I do disagree. My friends are roughly 50/50 male/female. I've talked to both sexes, texted them, emailed them, facebooked them, got drunk with them and slept in the same bed as them and never once have I had sex with any of them.

Bully for you!

And for anyone else who is totally cool about people having members of the opposite sex in their BFF group, sharing beds, tents, private conversations from their spouses or whatever.

Not everyone is 'cool' with it, or comfortable with it, and they have the right to be fucked off. Without being accused of being unhinged or controlling or a jealous bint.

OP said they "chat a bit" and according to some posters OP's DH is having a full blown affair, chatting to the OW all hours day and night..

I have friends that I've met on MN, for example. We sometimes text. As DH does not know them, I would not mention this to him.

Odd hours? As pp said, people are in differnt time zones, work different hours and/or are up because of small children. I've always assumed most people put their phones on mute when they go to bed so sending messages even in the middle of the night would not disturb them.

So unless the messages themselves are inappropriate, I personally would not have an issue.

i am certainly not lying Raven. People are different. My dh chats to loads of randoms. I don't care whether they are male or female. He goes on work trips with female colleagues, stays in hotels, out to dinners, even share hotel rooms/tents with one female friend - as have i with a male friend. We. just. don't. care. honestly.

I am surprised at responses

I think it is strange to be messaging someone neither of you have met before you get out of bed in the morning.
Its like he is the first thing she thought of when she woke up!

Perhaps he would notice the first sign if she is interested in him, but maybe he might not.

I think it is ok to point out most people dont send private messages to people they havent met, other peoples wives/husbands first thing in the morning which are "just chatting".

What is your problem? That she is female?

You are being controlling and unreasonable.

I am saying "I think" because I haven't read any of it.

Don't. Don't go over the line into actively distrusting him. As I said up there, I'd discard anything that is basically a negative judgment of DH because that's not fair, and concentrate on things that are truly reasonable.

PMing another woman (or anyone else really) while you are in bed, or having dinner is a bit much really isn't it. You can ask someone not to do that without cracking out the railway sleeper and channeling Kathy Bates.

Careful of not trusting your partner. In the first place doing this to someone is a breach of THEIR trust of YOU that can not be taken back. Secondly, lack of trust breeds secrecy, resentment and defiance, and if you really want someone who was trustworthy to cheat on you, do that.