Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband chatting online to Facebook friend (FBF)

170 replies

HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 10:13

Asking for a friend not really

H is involved in various clubs and hobbies. For one club he takes photos at events and people tag themselves etc. He has ended up "friending" some of these people so they can see his stuff. So far, so normal.

One of these people, from last year, has taken to messaging him on FB, and the 2 of them chat a bit back and forth. I knew this, he mentioned it at the time and on ocassion since when I hear his phone ping. I said it was weird, on both parts, to be chatting to strangers about "nothing really, just chat"

Fast forward to this morning and his phone went before we'd got up. I asked who it was, sometimes he gets early messages from his sister. It was FBF. H has never hidden this. He said it was FBF straight away, and genuinely didn't seem to think anything of it.

I got pretty pissed off, had a rant about the inappropriate-ness of it all and went to get showered and ready to work.

We then had a heated discussion, which boiled downto me not being happy at all, him seeming genuinely shocked that I was upset, and me explaining in bullet points why it is not on. I believe him when he says there was nothing inappropriate about the conversation content itself, my argument is that having conversations at all with FBF is not ok. AIBU in expecting him to stop? Actually, to expect him to realise this for himself, that getting a message before you're even out of fucking bed is not normal? When I pointed it out, he agreed with me, but why couldn't he see that for himself. Blah. I am cross and not sure if it's justified. It ended with him saying it would end as of now, he was equally upset as me, when he copped how annoyed I was. I honestly believe he wasn't flitting or sexual in his messages. I just think he was stupid not to stop and think why is this woman messaging me regularly, wouldn't her own partner mind?? I guess I want to know if AIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
witsender · 06/06/2017 12:00

Like you, the timing would feel odd to me.

YoloSwaggins · 06/06/2017 12:00

I know many will disagree but there is no reason for a man and woman to have pointless chats other that a preamble to something more, be that emotional or physical.

What bullshit. Over half of my friends are blokes, they're like my cousins!

This is such a jealous comment. What genitalia people have has no impact on whether you can be friends or not.

witsender · 06/06/2017 12:00

Especially as they have no shared interests, friends etc

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 12:04

Aren't we sometimes allowed to be unreasonable with our OHs though? What I mean is, at times they are the people to see us at our most vulnerable or ridiculous or scared or happy? I'm not saying I have a right to dictate his friends, but I think that in a relationship I am allowed to say I don't like what you are doing re: x y or z.

That doesn't mean he has to stop, but I'd hope he'd at least talk to me about it. Like he would about my fears, and I would for him.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 06/06/2017 12:05

i'd be a bit Hmm if my wife was regularly messaging someone that she didn't know IRL, moreso if they were messaging her before we'd even woke up. It probably is nothing OP but like you I'd be a bit uncomfortable.

NotHotDogMum · 06/06/2017 12:09

Two things truck me:

1)Texting him before he's even out of bed in the morning is 'off'

2)And your 'gut feel' (when normally you sound quite sensible and laid back, something about this woman worries you and you can't put your finger on it)

Perhaps your DH is being a bit naive about all this texting, but I'm glad you confronted the problem.

twattymctwatterson · 06/06/2017 12:09

Is she attractive OP?

NotHotDogMum · 06/06/2017 12:09

*struck

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 06/06/2017 12:11

Thanks for replying to me OP and thanks for the bullet points!

At first I thought that you sounded jealous and controlling, but after reading your further updates, I don't think that anymore. If generally fine with him having female friends, and it's just this one that's a problem, then maybe your gut is right?

But, I do think you need to trust your DH here. It really doesn't sound like there's anything sneaky going on from his side, it sounds to me like he's just replying to her messages without thinking much about why she's messaging him.

YoloSwaggins · 06/06/2017 12:11

Is she attractive OP?

JFC, how is that relevant?

Do you not let your husband hang out with any women above a 7/10?

NotHotDogMum · 06/06/2017 12:11

When you got upset and confronted him about the texting did he offer you the chance to read the messages? (As proof that nothing untoward was going on)

lilybookins · 06/06/2017 12:11

Sorry, but I think you are right to be upset OP. This is how things were with my ex husband, constant messaging other females that he didn't even know. He would say they were just 'friends' - friends are usually people you've met in real life and have developed a relationship with. Little did I know that this was just the tip of the iceberg. Why on earth would you be messaging someone you don't know in real life - male or female? I bet he wouldn't do lots of messaging with real life friends, male or female. It sounds like he's enjoying the attention. From experience (mine and other friends) this can just lead to other shit.

HerOtherHalf · 06/06/2017 12:11

Aren't we sometimes allowed to be unreasonable with our OHs though?
It's about balance and treating your partner as you would expect them to treat you, IMHO. You are feeling out of your comfort zone with this situation so talk to him. If you keep it in it will only fester. But don't go in with the stance that you have a right to dictate his friendships, review his messages etc just because. Maybe let him know calmly how you are feeling, get a better sense from him exactly what this friendship is all about and take it from there. Turn it around. How would you feel if you had a casual friend and he started getting all stroppy, insinuating there must be more to it and demanding you prove you're not up to anything? I imagine you'd be hurt.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 06/06/2017 12:14

I'm not saying I have a right to dictate his friends, but I think that in a relationship I am allowed to say I don't like what you are doing re: x y or z.

That doesn't mean he has to stop,

I agree with this. I think complete honesty is the best thing in a relationship, and the other person can do with that what they want.

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 12:16

twatty I have no idea. She better be off- the-scale- gorgeous though... rather than wasting my unreasonable reactions on some ugly troll.

facepalm

OP posts:
BabyLedWhining · 06/06/2017 12:17

Why is it worse that he doesn't know her Confused I could maybe get the jealousy if this was a woman he saw daily at work. Maybe he just finds her funny, like he does with his male friends?

Pannnn · 06/06/2017 12:22

Man here with female partner and I wouldn't be okay if she were to be getting v early morning messages from a man neither of us had met. I'd wonder what on earth is going on in this man's life and how possibly socially unhinged he may be. Certainly uncomfortable behaviour.

Also love the parallel universe nature of MN - posters saying they'd be cool when in reality that is highly unlikely.

user1480334601 · 06/06/2017 12:26

YANBU.

You don't sound controlling or unhinged at all. Quite the opposite in fact you sound very sensible and calm and cool about your relationship which is awesome

I wouldn't trust this woman either. So she messaged a guy who she has never met after only seeing his photo? And messages him first thing in morning. Just seems pointless and desperate

HumphreyCobblers · 06/06/2017 12:40

Your DH has other female friends you don't have this reaction about.

I think this proves that you are not controlling or mean! There may be an issue with this new friend or there may not, but you don't sound at all unreasonable to me.

MrsKoala · 06/06/2017 12:40

Also love the parallel universe nature of MN - posters saying they'd be cool when in reality that is highly unlikely.

You mean in YOUR reality that is unlikely. Why bother reading peoples opinions if you are just going to disbelieve them if they are not the same as yours? Very strange.

Pannnn · 06/06/2017 12:48

Not strange at all. I am simply doubting the likely reactions of folk who say this is fine UNTIL they face a similar circ.

purplecollar · 06/06/2017 12:50

YANBU to me. Who texts acquaintances before breakfast? It's odd. I would only text a friend at that time if meeting up with them later or something to make arrangements. Otherwise it's interrupting their home lives.

QueenOfRubovia · 06/06/2017 12:50

Why bother reading peoples opinions if you are just going to disbelieve them if they are not the same as yours?

Well you have to read them before you can know.
I think it highly unlikely too. That doesn't mean I downright don't believe it.

QueenOfRubovia · 06/06/2017 12:51

Winning the lottery is highly unlikely. But I know some people do.

MrsKoala · 06/06/2017 12:52

Saying that it would bother everyone even if they say it doesn't does seem strange to me. It seems strange you think you know more about how they think or feel than they do. Which seems quite doubtful given you do not know them.