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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband chatting online to Facebook friend (FBF)

170 replies

HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 10:13

Asking for a friend not really

H is involved in various clubs and hobbies. For one club he takes photos at events and people tag themselves etc. He has ended up "friending" some of these people so they can see his stuff. So far, so normal.

One of these people, from last year, has taken to messaging him on FB, and the 2 of them chat a bit back and forth. I knew this, he mentioned it at the time and on ocassion since when I hear his phone ping. I said it was weird, on both parts, to be chatting to strangers about "nothing really, just chat"

Fast forward to this morning and his phone went before we'd got up. I asked who it was, sometimes he gets early messages from his sister. It was FBF. H has never hidden this. He said it was FBF straight away, and genuinely didn't seem to think anything of it.

I got pretty pissed off, had a rant about the inappropriate-ness of it all and went to get showered and ready to work.

We then had a heated discussion, which boiled downto me not being happy at all, him seeming genuinely shocked that I was upset, and me explaining in bullet points why it is not on. I believe him when he says there was nothing inappropriate about the conversation content itself, my argument is that having conversations at all with FBF is not ok. AIBU in expecting him to stop? Actually, to expect him to realise this for himself, that getting a message before you're even out of fucking bed is not normal? When I pointed it out, he agreed with me, but why couldn't he see that for himself. Blah. I am cross and not sure if it's justified. It ended with him saying it would end as of now, he was equally upset as me, when he copped how annoyed I was. I honestly believe he wasn't flitting or sexual in his messages. I just think he was stupid not to stop and think why is this woman messaging me regularly, wouldn't her own partner mind?? I guess I want to know if AIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
Gingerbreadmam · 06/06/2017 12:53

just been in a similar situation myself with dp msging a colleague. Like you, nothing in the messages but almost like any excuse to msg if you get me. we both agreed it was inapropriate and it has now afaik stopped.

i think if it bothers you and you are not normally bothered by things like that there is something causing that and you should go with your gut.

Gottagetmoving · 06/06/2017 12:55

You don't trust him.
Have a think about why you are insecure about this.
I have lots of male friends on fb. Some message me at weird times if they have something funny they want to tell me or if they suddenly think of something and I do to them too. Maybe their wives are annoyed about it, I don't know and am not that bothered if they are. My DP is not interested in who I talk to on FB. He thinks FB is crap and wonders why people go on it but he never tells me he doesn't want me to speak to friends on there.
It is a matter of trust. I would never want to see messages my DP sends to anyone or let him read my messages! I don't understand this view that if you are in a relationship you must have access to each others personal stuff because if not you are 'hiding' something.
If I was unhappy or tempted to stray I would speak to my partner first as I think he would. I live with a grown up and so does he.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/06/2017 12:55

Maybe, because they only speak of their mutual interests, she imagines him to be single, just a thought. She may well be horrified to learn about his personal life. I think you'd DH, sounds very friendly, possibly naive.
On the other hand, she could be an avid on line dater !
You sound very grounded to me, just a little unnerved, look at the messages, then you'll have a clearer vision.

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 13:04

She knows about me. Definitely. I am in his profile pic. She made contact initially after he shared his album of pics of the event. Several people, at the time, tagged themselves in a pic or commented on it to tag a friend etc. That's all pretty normal. Nobody else has continued to chat to him though. Or he to them.

Going to meet him now for a sandwich and a chat. I think this is 90% me being ott but the 10% unease isn't shifting

OP posts:
HidingFromDD · 06/06/2017 13:22

Trust your instinct on this one, especially if you normally don't have a problem with female friends.

My DP started chatting to an old friend. He was initially v open about it, and asked me if I minded. I wasn't v happy, but also believe it's a matter of trust so didn't voice my concerns. It eventually moved into an emotional affair. It was v short, he/they stopped it and he was honest about it afterwards. We're working through things now but it is very painful on all sides.

It's the only person I've ever had a twinge of doubt about. One of his best friends is female and he often stops with her when he visits family without me. It was just this one.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 06/06/2017 13:28

I wouldn't be happy about it.

  1. She is messaging him early as if he's been the first thought in her head, she can't wait to contact him.
  1. He is replying straight away? If he got the impression she was a bit keen he needs to set boundaries.
SuperFlyHigh · 06/06/2017 13:34

MrsKoala ok I'll start FB messaging your DH first thing in morning, all through day and last thing at night. Doesn't matter what I look like...

PlinkyTheFairyWitch · 06/06/2017 13:35

Ravenblack Bully for you! Not everyone is 'cool' with it, or comfortable with it, and they have the right to be fucked off. Without being accused of being unhinged or controlling or a jealous bint.

Thanks. And I said no such thing. I think, and said way upthread, that trust it at the heart of this. If you fully trust your partner, you have no reason to be jealous or 'controlling' or whatever. Because you know damned well nothing untoward is happening.

If OP is not worried about cheating, then there is something else at play here.

MrsKoala · 06/06/2017 13:40

Go for it! You'll crack first. Hope you are up for endless conversations about which guns fire the most rounds per second. Grin

CatsAndCandles · 06/06/2017 13:48

I would agree some reasonable boundaries such as no phones in the bedroom (that's our time) or at the dinner table. I'm also a big fan of having an open phone policy.

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 14:20

We had a decent enough chat at lunchtime- as much as one can in a food hall- and I apologised wholeheartedly for being unreasonable about H. I am still unconvinced that I was/am unreasonable about FBF’s end of things, but there’s nothing I (we) can do about that.

New bullet points:

*H can of course be friends with anyone, as can I. Our only caveat is if someone has been awful to either one of us, we reassess the friendships like when SIL is a bitch to me
*We are not in the habit of monitoring each other’s online usage, that’s not about to start now.
*H is an adult and fully capable of setting boundaries. However, he agreed that he hadn’t really thought of FBF’s boundaries. As in, he was just doing as he always does, replying to her when she’d send a message, but he hadn’t really noticed that messages had moved from occasional to more frequent, and the time of day had changed.
*In saying that, I acknowledge that just because I think it’s weird to send someone a message before 8am, others don’t, and that in itself is no big deal.
*We chatted about how she isn’t active on his Facebook feed at all. He brought that up when I met him just now, saying that he hadn’t really thought about it before, but it’s unusual that she has never liked/commented/anything on his page at all. Again, I realise that people use FB differently to me, and maybe she isn’t a clicker still think it’s odd though
*I think it’s not unreasonable to ask him to be mindful of any changes in the tone she uses or the content of the messages. Now it’s friendly chit-chat, but it could move on.

I am glad you all thrashed this out with me. Thanks.

OP posts:
IntheBenefitTrap · 06/06/2017 14:26

What do they talk about?

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 14:32

He says it's fairly mundane chit chat. How was your weekend, that kind of stuff. Like I would with my friends. It's more one sided in that she will start conversations with him, but nothing wildly exciting.

OP posts:
Pannnn · 06/06/2017 14:33

Well done.

Still, I'd be concerned about why she is latching onto him in such an usual way, and what does that say about her.

OnionKnight · 06/06/2017 14:37

But she doesn't know him, so why is she talking about such mundane stuff with him? I don't get it.

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 14:39

Pannnn I think that is where my unease comes from. I didn't want to sound all "my dh would never put a foot wrong" and that I was blaming an OW for his actions, cos that's bullshit. But he is a good guy, and my heckles were up.

OP posts:
BabyLedWhining · 06/06/2017 14:40

Because mundane stuff is what you chat about to penfriends which is basically what this is.

BabyLedWhining · 06/06/2017 14:42

There's some weird projecting here too. Just because someone texts someone before breakfast doesn't mean "they were desperately up all night thinking of them and they're the first thing they think of when they wake".

It probably means they were bored and dicked about on FB and when they saw op's husband in their feed they said hello. He may have been he ninth person she messaged that morning

Pannnn · 06/06/2017 14:42

I think he is wandering into a situation that he has given little thought to and you're right to point things up. I'd hope I would do the same.
Good luck,

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 14:47

Babyled I acknowledged that in my update after lunch. I spend my early mornings snuggled up as long as I can. I don't be browsing FB to pm other people. So that's why it felt strange to me

OP posts:
IntheBenefitTrap · 06/06/2017 14:50

Hmm. I regularly chat to someone I don't know in real life. We met through Twitter and now we send DMs daily. We are both married with children and my DH is aware, not sure if his DW is. It's literally chit chat - we have very similar interests that neither partner is into. It is completely and utterly innocent - I think he's a nice guy as a friend and he thinks the same. We love our partners very much. Just to put things into perspective - not all friendships are sordid. Maybe she's lonely? I'm not working at the moment and am alone a lot, so it's nice to have a few people to chat to.

bbcessex · 06/06/2017 15:05

OP.. am I right that your DH hasn't met this woman in real life?

Are they chatting about the hobby? Is it an online hobby? If they're chatting about the hobby.. fair enough.. but if not -
Why would anyone's DH / DW strike up a meaningless friendship over nothingness unless one of them had an ulterior motive?

I don't think you're wrong to be a bit irked...
I'd read the messages and then either apologise or be even more irked!

RogueBiscuit · 06/06/2017 15:10

I wouldn't like this. And I wouldn't like a stranger interrupting my day by messaging my husband. He now knows you don't like it. Considering she's a stranger and isn't really important, is he going to stop?

bbcessex · 06/06/2017 15:10

*Hoosier.. just read your update.

That's not ok in my world. She doesn't know your DH.. why is she reaching out to him along those lines.

If it was 'I got to level 9 of game of nemo 5 on Sat, how bout you, joint hobby buddy', then fair enough.

But 'morning random internet bloke.. how was your weekend '... no thanks . And if that makes me weird.. I don't care!!

Original poster
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 15:15

They have not met, no. They don't have a shared hobby or interest. The initial contact was cos he had pictures of the crowd at an event, and she (like many others) tagged/commented on some of them. They weren't participants though, just spectators. Think large charity event, with participants doing the event, but half the town showing up to watch it. So they have no shared interests to chat about.

I am not going down the road of wanting to monitor his phone. And neither should he. We either trust each other or we don't.

And I do truse him. I just think he needs to be a bit more aware

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