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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband chatting online to Facebook friend (FBF)

170 replies

HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 10:13

Asking for a friend not really

H is involved in various clubs and hobbies. For one club he takes photos at events and people tag themselves etc. He has ended up "friending" some of these people so they can see his stuff. So far, so normal.

One of these people, from last year, has taken to messaging him on FB, and the 2 of them chat a bit back and forth. I knew this, he mentioned it at the time and on ocassion since when I hear his phone ping. I said it was weird, on both parts, to be chatting to strangers about "nothing really, just chat"

Fast forward to this morning and his phone went before we'd got up. I asked who it was, sometimes he gets early messages from his sister. It was FBF. H has never hidden this. He said it was FBF straight away, and genuinely didn't seem to think anything of it.

I got pretty pissed off, had a rant about the inappropriate-ness of it all and went to get showered and ready to work.

We then had a heated discussion, which boiled downto me not being happy at all, him seeming genuinely shocked that I was upset, and me explaining in bullet points why it is not on. I believe him when he says there was nothing inappropriate about the conversation content itself, my argument is that having conversations at all with FBF is not ok. AIBU in expecting him to stop? Actually, to expect him to realise this for himself, that getting a message before you're even out of fucking bed is not normal? When I pointed it out, he agreed with me, but why couldn't he see that for himself. Blah. I am cross and not sure if it's justified. It ended with him saying it would end as of now, he was equally upset as me, when he copped how annoyed I was. I honestly believe he wasn't flitting or sexual in his messages. I just think he was stupid not to stop and think why is this woman messaging me regularly, wouldn't her own partner mind?? I guess I want to know if AIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 16:22

puppy it was both. In a "why is this woman messaging him before we're even fucking awake"

Had it been any of his other female or male friends I wouldn't have been overly bothered, but as I have said, I have an uneasy feeling about this woman. I could be doing her a disservice. I don't really care. My husband and I are my priority.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 06/06/2017 16:25

MrsKoala good sport!

I don't think I'd be happy with this but who knows I may be fine...,

RossGellersteeth · 06/06/2017 16:26

It's very very strange that she's messaging your DP first thing in the morning, that's what would make me uneasy. All these people telling you that you're over-reacting are talking shite.

I had this in a previous relationship, they went from being facebook friends to having a full-blown affair. I don't for a minute think that's what's happening in your case, but I do think your DP is being very naive if he thinks she's not after him.

ThisisrealityGreg · 06/06/2017 16:55

bigmac yes totally normal to receive messages from abroad at any time day or night. Or even from friends any time day or night.

It's the level of intimacy from someone he doesn't know who lives in the same time zone texting first thing in the morning to say 'hiyaa, what are you up to today?'

I personally find that odd regardless of the sex of the person sending it.

FuzzyPillow · 06/06/2017 17:02

I'm not seeing a massive problem here necessarily? Could she just get up earlier than him and have messaged over breakfast? That seems fairly normal to me?

Having said that, if you as his wife are uncomfortable then he should take notice of that and perhaps tone it down a bit?

HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 17:18

The time of day is irrelevant, it seems . A lot of people have pointed out that they send/get messages round the clock.

OP posts:
RossGellersteeth · 06/06/2017 17:29

I get messages early morning from family and real-life friends...never from a facebook friend that I've never met in RL.

HildaOg · 06/06/2017 18:34

First thing in the morning, constantly throughout the day and last thing at night... That's way too over invested and yeah, I'd be pissed that he was spending all day every day texting another woman.

HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 18:41

It's not constant. Not even daily. Weeks can pass in between messages.

Still not keen though!

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 06/06/2017 18:54

Glad you cooled down a bit and can understand why you feel uncomfortable

Still, you have to laugh - you're talking to online strangers about your discomfort with your husband talking to an online stranger

HoosierDaddy · 06/06/2017 19:10

That irony did occur to me earlier. 🤔

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CatACombs · 06/06/2017 19:14

Nope, absolutely no reason to be asking total stranger what they are up to now etc. Makes no sense.
That's what you do with old friends.

Puppymouse · 06/06/2017 20:23

I'm on the fence. FB is such a funny thing - it's so easy to talk to people you've never met or who don't actually know you that well. I have about 5 people on my FB who I've never met or met once but we just had a nice chat and they added me and I just went with the flow.

It might be that she's lonely and likes the conversation or it might be more sinister. I think keep an eye and start to worry if DP starts to be secretive or stops telling you it's her maybe?

Motoko · 07/06/2017 09:27

The thing that gets me about this woman, is that she's not posting on his wall, or liking any of his posts, as you would do normally on FB. She's only interacting with him privately.

troodiedoo · 07/06/2017 10:38

My dad was a teacher and has a lot of former pupils as friends on Facebook. There are a handful of them, mostly female that lean on him for emotional support via messages. He takes Facebook very seriously and devotes a lot of time to it. I do feel for his partner.

TheLegendOfBeans · 07/06/2017 10:49

I don't think YABU and well done for hsnibg a sensible and mature chat with DH.

This would sit very uneasily with me. I have strong suspicions about the motives of FB strangers "just chatting". I also find it's a scenario that's mentioned on here a lot but usually in the context of "I've just found out my partner is cheating on me" and the genesis of it is "harmless messaging on FB".

FWIW, I think your DH deserves the benefit of the doubt here. Sounds innocent enough.
I don't trust her though.

HoosierDaddy · 07/06/2017 13:19

Thanks for the replies. Haven't had a chance to post this morning. Maybe she is harmless, and I am way out of line, but either way I feel better now for having a chat about it. Like I said, I don't bat an eyelid at his other friends, for example he is a great support to a female friend who is going through a tough time. That hasn't bothered me at all. This just felt... different

OP posts:
OVienna · 08/06/2017 15:51

It's weird she just randomly started messaging him from the context you describe and that your DH engaged with it beyond the initial: "hey great photo" comment. Unless I have misunderstood. This is not a 'mate' it's a random woman off the internet. Yes, it's weird.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/06/2017 16:25

We have an inner voice for a reason, don't be scared to listen to it.
Some people are chancers. Ringing him, before you were even out of bed, is not on. However, your DH, sounds like a nice man, so you did right to speak to him, jealousy doesn't come into the equation.
If he wasn't aware before, he is now, and won't want some random woman, upsetting the apple cart.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/06/2017 16:39

OP most people here call the "different" stuff either spidey senses or intuition.

Sometimes it's way off, often it isn't...

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