Friend of friend suddenly announces awkward dietary requirements (help??)

[ComingUpTrumps]

Argh.

I'm organising a meal at the moment for a special event (I don't really know these people). I sent out a restaurant menu a couple of weeks ago to everyone so they could see the different options available. Yesterday, I asked everyone to pre-order from the menu and to pass on their choices to me next week to me. I also asked everyone (a couple of months ago) to pass on their dietary requirements to me.

Most people have now got back to me with their choices. One person (who I'm getting a bit annoyed with for other reasons) just messaged me tonight to say that they are gluten-free and dairy-free. I saw her a couple of months ago, and she had macaroni cheese and a burger with a bun.

How do I reply to this?

I've said to her: 'hi X thanks for letting me know. There's X, X and X in the starters, and X and X in the mains which are gluten-free and dairy-free.'

She then said 'yes, there are a few options on the menu, but do they have a separate menu?'

Help! Before I lose the will to live.

Broken11girl I agree with you.

OP you keep saying you're stressed out but that's not an excuse to start saying some people have genuine food intolerances and others don't. It's ignorant and judgemental.

Imo there are only three things you can do in the situation the OP describes

• Either you tell everyone well in advance so that it can be accomodated
• you dont make a fuss and chose the items on the menu that say GF and DF (present on most menus nowdays)
• you tell the person organising that you have some specific requirements and could you ring the restaurant yourself to sort it out. Ive seen plenty of restaurants making an effort for someone who is coeliac for example (Im thinking of the child of a friend of mine. The chefs are often quite happy to prepare special things for him, GF yourskire puddings or cake so he can celebrate with his family)

We've ordered from Domino's in the past as they do coeliac friendly pizza. Wagamama has a brilliant allergy menu & you can get gluten free soy sauce etc there.

Nah, YANBU. She has had options, if she doesn't like them she can ring the restaurant and ask for alternatives. I would.

Thisisouting
My mother is the same. Totally denies I have CFS/ME. Does not cater for my dietary requirements. Her house is filled with dairy and gluten and not much more and expects me to bring my "funny food". Will purposely do things like put her bags on the sofa when I'm just about to collapse in it so that I have nowhere to sit/lie down.

caroldecker
Your post is incorrect.
If my coeliac DCs (one diagnosed as a toddler) ate gluten today, they would be unwell today, but fine for school tomorrow. DH (diagnosed late 30s) would need 2-3 days off work.
It is so unhelpful when people post on subjects s they know nothing about.

OP, you sound far too stressed out to think clearly.

Firstly, this guest does not have dietary requirements purely to make your life harder. As someone with severe allergies, I am aware that my allergies come across as "awkward" and I hate having to disclose them to third parties organising events. I'd rather talk to the kitchen myself if I think there will be any issues. And because I feel so awkward about appearing awkward, I do sometimes leave it to the last minute before admitting I have "requirements".

I know someone with a mild intolerance to gluten who occasionally eats gluten. When he does, it's with the knowledge he will suffer afterwards, so he will do if the food is "worth it". In your case, the guest is part of an action packed weekend and won't have time after the meal to lie on bed or sit on the toilet with awful cramping. She's choosing to look after herself a bit more than she sometimes does in order to help your weekend go a bit more smoothly. She's not trying to ruin it.

Gluten free and diary free is not difficult to cater for. It is nicer if you can cater for everyone with the same (or a similar looking) meal, but it's not essential and you're running out of time. So you've ordered a nice vegan cake. Can this order be amended to use GF flour? No? OK, well can the restaurant rustle up a single portion of a fruit salad or sorbet?

Does the pizza take away place do GF pizza? Most big chains do if it's one of those. No? OK, well what do they sell that's not pizza or pasta? Many will sell some kind of salad. It's not as fun at pizza, but living with allergies and intolerances isn't fun and the guest will understand.

You do have to cater for this woman's health needs, but you don't have to be perfect in doing so. Make an effort, but don't run yourself into the ground in doing so.

PS Breathe. The hens have put you in a difficult position and you are doing well to keep going.

OP - having read your responses, I realise why you're so pissed off - she could have, after all, called the restaurant herself in the first place, as I would have done (and HAVE done before)

I agree that you shouldn't now change the cake, just get a cupcake or similar made that is GF/DF.

If it makes you smile, or in any way feel better, I once organised a hen weekend for a friend in Dublin, that was then cancelled by the bride herself 2 weeks prior because she had another wedding to go to that weekend, that she'd forgotten.
Sadly, some of us had already booked our flights - she offered to refund, but I decided to go anyway (as her SIL had been very shitty with her over the last minute cancellation and insisted that she be refunded) - still had a nice weekend but I decided there and then that I'd never get myself in that position again!

OP, I hope you have had a good sleep and feel better when you wake up. I get that it's annoying and stressful but you need to not worry quite so much. Oxford is beautiful and there is no reason you can't all have a lovely weekend even if every second isn't perfect.

I don't think the GF and DF food will be a problem. Get her to phone the restaurants and leave it at that but try not to sound crabby about it.

Unfair response from some I think. If your food intolerances were that serious you'd have no problem and probably even double check with a restaurant before choosing a menu item rather than expect the person booking/organising to sort it.

I think your message is fine. Straight to the point. It'd be far worse for you to pass on second hand info to them and get it wrong. Best for them to deal with directly.

I thought from your previous post there were options, although limited on the menu and you have asked her to contact them leave that there no more contact required.

Keep your cake and pop to a supermarket and get a couple of gluten free muffins and serve this to her. Do not mention this to her beforehand. Job done. IF she brings it up just simply say it was ordered and paid for before you knew about her intolerances.

Pizza night - is there a chip shop near by? Does the hotel do room service. It you must contact her I would ask her what her plans are for pizza night, only mention previous emails if she starts to get shirty as it does sound passive aggressive.

Hope you are feeling better today OP

You are really stressing about nothing. Let her phone the restaurant herself. She can do without the cake or bring her own. She can get a sad or a gluten free pizza delivered. I´m sure she doesn´t need you to micromanage her diet for her.

Her question about whether they had a special menu was entirely normal. As was not doing it until now. Because it is not a big deal at all.

You're taking a huge amount of responsibility for this, OP.

This is GF guest's problem, all you can do is facilitate her to make appropriate choices. She IS an adult, right?
I would happily enough bring my own food if I had to be so careful. Food is just part of socialising, you know? And most of us overeat, so a light calorie weekend would be a great thing. I guess GF alcohol is easy to find.
I think I would lay out the food plans in a group email & leave it with her to figure out what she needs to do.

Seriously, relax.

If she can't have a slice of cake, too bad. You've done your best.

Your being a bit ridiculous about this OP, It is annoying to be told so late but other than that its really caused you minimal inconvenience, your bot actually cooking the food so you haven't actually had to change anything.
Most pizza chains do gf pizza, so dominoes, pizza hut etc. Theres vegans already in the group so presumably already planning on df pizzas, sp removing cheese etc.? If its a place that does vegan pizzas it will probably also do gf. She's an adult and has presumably already worked out what pizza means for her.
For the cake just say "sorry I didn't know you were gf till Id already ordered it" id probs just buy a gf/df small cake item from Tesco for her. Its really not the massive hassle you're making it out to be.

I feel very sorry for people with food intolerances/allergies but I also think it's a bit much expecting someone organising a nightmare big event to deal with your food issues on top of everything else. This guest has made things worse by being tardy in letting the OP know about her needs.

I think Wicks Ends' email sounds perfect, flicks it back on to Guestzilla but not in a "fuck you" sort of way, and no-one who isn't an attention-seeking drama queen is reasonable could possibly be offended by it.

Polite guests don't inconvenience hosts and organisers by expecting them to run around like maniacs trying to sort out special catering for them. None of my coeliac/dairy intolerant/nut allergic friends or family would dream of behaving like this.

I sympathise, OP. DP's family are a nightmare to cater for. Several are gluten & dairy intolerant/allergic, there's a vegan niece (who eats trifle and ice cream and just shrugged on being told that gelatine is an animal product!), one who hates anything creamy, and a BiL who won't eat any vegetables apart from potatoes or anything spicy. And I'm allergic to some seafoods.

OP, stop stressing about something so insignificant- pick up the phone and talk to the guest. Tell her to sort her own dietary needs.

raviolidreaming how helpful do you think it is, to add this to the thread of an obvious very very stressed OP?

My bestfriend is both gluten and dairy free and it's surprisingly not unusual for restaurants to have printed separate menus stating gluten and dairy free meals. I would just give her the phone number of the restaurant and suggest she speak to them directly.
Worth mentioning my girlfriend went from a normal diet to gluten and dairy free within a period of weeks after blood test results from the GP.

You're making life harder for yourself than it needs to be...

I'd just email guest saying "Plan for food is x y and z (insert places you will eat/order from) - wouldn't want to get it wrong so I'll leave it to you to work out what you can and can't eat - afraid I don't have time to look into it myself. Look forward to seeing you on Friday "

Then ignore further messages from them.

Why have you phoned the restaurant? Why are you making it your problem ?

You've told her to contact them. The ball is in her court.

Seriously I think you need to learn to let go a bit. For your stress levels.

OP I do mean that kindly.

Do you usually feel responsible for other people problems and feel you have to "solve" them ? It's not healthy to do so to this extent.

Gosh OP you are going to make yourself ill if you carry on like this.

Whether her intolerances are 'real' or not is beside the point. Is not you're problem. She can contact the restaurant, she can find an alternative to pizza, and she would be v v unrealsonable to be upset about the cake. She might not even want any cake! It's not going to ruin the hen do!