Friend of friend suddenly announces awkward dietary requirements (help??)

[ComingUpTrumps]

Argh.

I'm organising a meal at the moment for a special event (I don't really know these people). I sent out a restaurant menu a couple of weeks ago to everyone so they could see the different options available. Yesterday, I asked everyone to pre-order from the menu and to pass on their choices to me next week to me. I also asked everyone (a couple of months ago) to pass on their dietary requirements to me.

Most people have now got back to me with their choices. One person (who I'm getting a bit annoyed with for other reasons) just messaged me tonight to say that they are gluten-free and dairy-free. I saw her a couple of months ago, and she had macaroni cheese and a burger with a bun.

How do I reply to this?

I've said to her: 'hi X thanks for letting me know. There's X, X and X in the starters, and X and X in the mains which are gluten-free and dairy-free.'

She then said 'yes, there are a few options on the menu, but do they have a separate menu?'

Help! Before I lose the will to live.

Op your response sounds perfectly reasonable. If someone has an allergy, the least they could have done was to email you promptly about it, not wait until the eleventh hour. If by some amazing coincidence, this person has only just been diagnosed in the last two weeks, they could have taken responsibility themselves to contact the restaurant. It's not about you being intolerant about dietary needs, it's about them not letting you know in a timely fashion and then not taking responsibility for that. If they're being difficult about other issues, it sounds like this is the most likely explanation, rather than a recent diagnosis.

And telling people to chill when they're really upset is unnecessarily inflammatory.

I'm sentitive to gluten and dairy. Not diagnosed coeliac. Through desperation at times, I have had to eat gluten. Such as my stepdads funeral, where there was no gluten free food on offer apart from chicken wings. I have ME/CFS so not eating is not an option (looked like the caterers had been to Iceland and filled up with "party food" and everything contained wheat). I scooped up some wings as they were in short supply, one slice of pizza (yuk) and my ham I took in a pot and that did me till I could eat something else.

So you could say that I'm on/off with the eating because through unexpected circumstances, I will occasionally eat something, which isn't good for me. However, the idea of eating a plate of normal macaroni cheese fills me with horror. The longer I leave it between not eating gluten, the more cramping, diarrhoea and pain I get. If she's only been gluten free for 2 months, it may be that she will not have much of a reaction either. I know she and I are not the same person and I hope my experience helps. I appreciate cross contamination with gluten/dairy for some people is life threateningly serious. As she is on/off, it doesn't sound as if you're going to seriously poison her.

If it's not too late I'd probably go more like this:

Unfortunately the only list for the menu that I have is the list that I gave you. It would be best to contact the restaurant directly so that they can be sure to understand your requirements and give you the best advice.

I don't want you to be blindsided so I wanted to make sure you've been getting the e-mails that mentioned the pizza on X night and also let you know that I've already organized a surprise for the bride that isn't gf/df either and it's too late to change or cancel. I don't think X offer a gf/df pizza, but you could call them to ask... otherwise hopefully you'll be able to find something that will work.

I'm sure you're aware there's a lot of planning involved with organising an event for this many people so I'm sorry I can't be of any more assistance with this.

See you next weekend!

If it's not too late I'd probably go more like this:

Unfortunately the only list for the menu that I have is the list that I gave you. It would be best to contact the restaurant directly so that they can be sure to understand your requirements and give you the best advice.

I don't want you to be blindsided so I wanted to make sure you've been getting the e-mails that mentioned the pizza on X night and also let you know that I've already organized a surprise for the bride that isn't gf/df either and it's too late to change or cancel. I don't think X offer a gf/df pizza, but you could call them to ask... otherwise hopefully you'll be able to find something that will work.

I'm sure you're aware there's a lot of planning involved with organising an event for this many people so I'm sorry I can't be of any more assistance with this.

See you next weekend!

YANBU. It's the food that has to be prepared separately and not contain gluten etc. Does she think it will be contaminated with allergens if it is listed next to other food in the menu? Sounds like there are several options she can pick from.

Sounds like the friend of a friend is like the Delicate Little Flower the subject of another thread a few days ago where every event involved pandering to her ridiculous demands regarding food, accommodation etc.

I think you need to stop focusing on this one guest - you have made it a much bigger thing than it needed to be.

• Menu - sorry there isn't a special one, please choose from the one I sent.
• Cake - I've ordered a vegan cake, unfortunately it isn't gf so please bring a treat along for yourself.

Pizza night - we are having pizza on x night. It will probably be easier if you bring something with you or alternatively you could check the take-aways in the local area.

Stop apologising, it isn't your problem. You are at risk of ruining the weekend if you carry on behaving like this.

Op, I've been on a couple of your other threads about this hen do and i know you're very stressed but I honestly think you need to step back a bit because you're so flustered you are making this more difficult for yourself.

The cake - go to your nearest supermarket and buy a gf/df cake alternative for this guest. Don't worry about what it is, just show you've given it due consideration by providing an alternative.

The pizza night - send email saying "hi X - sorry I wasn't aware of your dietary requirements earlier. I hope the restaurant choices are ok with you, let me know when you've decided. Also, we have pizza planned for Friday night, please can you bring your own food for this evening as I've been unable to source an alternative. Hope that's all ok. Really looking forward to seeing you, it's going to be great!"

It's not your responsibility to manage every little issue that these grown ups might have. You are making this much harder on yourself than needs be and I say that with kindness and understanding, I've been there too.

I also have a friend who is gf/df as a lifestyle choice and it is very frustrating when he eats the option everyone else is having when I've gone to the effort of arranging or making a gf/df meal.

Not sure why you are quite so worried about it all. If she is gluten free then she will probably pack a selection of gluten free, dairy free treats. She will negotiate with the restaurant (it is a bit trickier being somewhere away as a group - generally if it was just an evening out I would just make my excuses if something was arranged somewhere that I knew I couldn't eat). For the hotel she will probably make her own arrangements or you could get salad to add to the pizza. I tend to prefer to take control myself rather than leave it to others.

Whilst I might appreciate your effort in sourcing a gf cake made for the occasion I would prefer something out of a packet which I knew had no cross-contamination. £30 is fairly cheap for a cake (based on threads on MN) so I would worry that it might be made not in a professional kitchen. Don't get me wrong, I make cakes for my dc's birthdays, homemade is often great, but I rarely make gf cake because I don't have two sets of things and I don't want to accidentally eat gluten.

Honestly I wouldn't worry, just highlight again what the food plan is and who she needs to talk to/which meals she needs to bring. If she is a 'special snowflake' there would have been some other drama, if not then she will probably want to take control herself.

Sounds like you're over-stressed and this just pushed you over the top. Understandable but try not to take it out on this woman, she was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

The guest has now said to me that she didn't think to tell me earlier about being intolerant to gluten and dairy because she thought that we would all be choosing our meals at the restaurant on the day. (Of course I absolutely didn't mention this to her) my feeling is that surely, it would have been even more difficult for her if she'd been left to pick things on the day? Because, in that situation, no matter what, she would've had to have eaten what was on the menu? (Do you all agree? Or am I reading this wrongly?)
I have Coeliac disease - it is much easier for me to pick food on the day at the restaurant as I can ask the wait staff for check with the chef what is suitable and even if nothing on the menu is suitable its usually possible to figure out something, usually an adjusted meal (so meat with no sauce, or salad with no croutons etc.) It sounds like she was asking you for the allergen menu, which she probably planned on asking for at the restaurant.

Don't worry about the cake, its too late now and she is a grown woman and can handle not having a piece of cake.

OP I can't see a problem here except the dietary person should have got in touch with you earlier!! You have her choices, then the restaurant details when she wanted more choices. That's fine - I'd be cross if she'd left it til the last minute to tell me to be honest

Cake - you've bought it already, she should have been in touch earlier so don't make special arrangements

Dominoes do gf pizza-she'd have to have it cheeseless though. Try not to stress op-it'll all be out of the way soon!

DH is coeliac, quite often we have ploughed through the menus given to us trying to work out what he can eat only to discover when we were ready to order that there is a separate gluten free menu with more choices. The lounge group do this and also have a separate vegan menu, strangely these are not put on the tables, you have to ask. DH gets really pissed off by not being able to eat certain things, so ever likely your friend is a bit touchy if she has recently had to make these changes.

What I don't understand is that you told her you'd be ordering pizza friday evening. Yet one week before the event she popped her head up to say gf/df. In her shoes, I would have straight away said this was a problem for me. She has caused this headache tbh and she needs to take responsibility for it especially as the b2b has said she's on/off gf/df.

Lordy, when did Hen dos get so complicated that organisation takes several weeks of full time work? For mine we had an evening out in a restaurant, it took maybe an hour altogether to organise, and it was a great evening.

If you have already emailed everyone about the pizza then it's up to her to contact you if she wants to. Stop running around after her. Yes, it's stressful but you're making everything so much harder than it needs to be.

OP Please stop stressing where you don't need to, you're going to end up having a breakdown.

Email her:
Thanks for letting me know about your dietary requirements.
This is the schedule for the weekend, I have included contact numbers for all eateries so if you could contact them directly that would be appreciated as I'm up to my eyes with it at the moment!
Looking forward to meeting you next weekend,
ComingUpTrumps

End of. Please take a breath, you don't have to do everything for every guest

OP, I know you're finding this hard but if you send people arsey emails at 3am you're going to cause an upset and then there'll be something to actually stress about. Organising a weekend for 15 is certainly no picnic, but it also shouldn't be climbing Everest. You're turning molehills into mountains. All you needed was a quick message saying 'maybe easier if you talk to restaurant directly? And what about the pizza on Fri night - could you bring something suitable for you?'. Instead you're sending over the top, corporate and angry sounding emails and stressing about it in the middle of the night. You need to try and find a way to minimise all this hassle. It's just a hen do. The world won't end if it's not all perfect.

If she is gluten dairy free then yes she needs a separate menu
Just because you can't see obvious gluten/dairy containing items on the menu, it doesn't mean they aren't included in dishes - she needs a menu where ingredients have been checked. This is not unreasonable of her as your analysis of the menu will not be adequate so even if you think some dishes are fine, she needs to check. But it's totally fine for her to do this herself with the restaurant.

Re:pizza. Pizza Hut, Dominoes and Pizza express all do GFbases and without cheese it'll be fine for her.

None of this is that difficult and her dietary choices aren't necessarily something she has any choice over.

Standard menus usually mark which items are vegetarian, vegan, gluten free, dairy free etc with little symbols. No need to put these items on a separate menu.

I'm gluten and dairy free don't do anymore than inform her there will be pizza/cake etc. So she can bring something she can eat.
Although Depending on where the pizza is from pizza hut/ dominos and pizza express all do gf pizza

I do this all the time, as long as i know what's happening and can come prepared, there's nothing worse than turning up and not being able to eat anything and they've not warned you! I had a frenemy who did that once, I still don't understand why she didn't just say I'm cooking XXX can you sort something for yourself, probably because she's a selfish bitch.

Don't be too hard on her though as when you are newly diagnosed it's very overwhelming and difficult.

caroldecker what a stupid post. Te week i was diagnosed with coeliac desease/crohns i could barely get out of bed. I had lost the ability to eat solids at all. The next stop was investigation for stomach/gut cancer. A couple of weeks after cutting out gluten, eating a bit woukd have made me very ill indeed.

OP why not accept that this is something you know nothing about and that your friend is acting entirely normally for someone mewly diagnosed. Its not your concern if she sits there eating nothing, she'll get used to carrying emergency food round soon enough.

Standard menus usually mark which items are vegetarian, vegan, gluten free, dairy free etc with little symbols.

Some do, some don't. Normally the posher the place the less likely they are to do this, and a lot of places mark vegetarian but no other dietary requirements.

OP, this is your fifth thread about this hen do. For the sake of your own sanity, I would strongly suggest you quit now. You seem to be becoming increasingly distressed about something that really shouldn't be affecting your life to this extent.

It's a party that's all. Stop letting it rule your life. No one will give a shit in the end, and if you are doing it in the hope of thanks and gratitude, I think you are going to be sadly disappointed.