Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

419 replies

suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:15

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs Confused He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 10:31

Lweji

Do you think it is good for children to see one parent overruling the other? I really don't. Neither parent should be so high-handed. All decisions of consequence should look joint, although as you say, it shouldn't be a problem for children to be aware that their parents disagree once they reach a certain age and maturity.

DrDreReturns · 04/06/2017 10:43

I'd have let her go. Your DH sounds way too overprotective. I used to hang out with my friends without any adults around when I was 14, nothing untoward happened. Start giving her some independence! He's got to get used to her growing up.
I also agree with pp who said that if it was a boy he'd have been allowed to go.

Original poster
suri80 · 04/06/2017 10:45

We do try and present a united front to the DC and to be honest, DH and DD's relationship has not been at all confrontational until recently, so this is new ground for me. If anything, it would be me stating the boundaries to her previously because she could do no wrong as far as DH is concerned.
Also, I am the one here with the kids daily, so sometimes he's a bit out of sync with what's actually going on if he's been away with work, which doesn't help. He has lived in a lot of places but he grew up in Sicily and there are cultural differences. His parents were very religious. He's not, but obviously some things rub off.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/06/2017 10:54

His roof?

What's your role there?

Loopytiles · 04/06/2017 10:56

"She could do no wrong" with DH but is now growing up and seeking to develop her identity and do new things and he is having issues with that?

Lweji · 04/06/2017 10:56

Do you think it is good for children to see one parent overruling the other? I really don't.

Did you read my post?

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 10:59

Lweji

I think I did, yes.

Zoflorabore · 04/06/2017 11:04

My ds is also 14 and he went to a girls house recently in a group as her parent was out, there was no funny business going on, ds tells me everything! His best friend had 2 beers, ds hates the thought of drinking thank god ( I was sneaking into pubs at his age )
They were home by 9, been there since 5, best friend was a little giggly, ds said there was talk of who fancies who etc but on the whole they're quite a good group of kids.

I remember I was given firm boundaries regarding curfews etc but was allowed to be a teenager and go out. I want my son to have the same.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/06/2017 11:07

previously because she could do no wrong as far as DH is concerned.

You are describing a large percentage of the DFs of my peers at school. Similar traditional background (school in the UK with many Italian, Spanish, Polish and Irish Catholic culture, plus a good few fairly traditional non Christian cultures).

The girls were all daddy's princess who could do no wrong until they hit puberty. Then the problems started and where we were allowed to go to eg the local shopping centre on a Saturday they were no in case we met up with TheBoyz. These were the girls who ended up lying and going off the proverbial rails.

However its wrapped up its plain old fashioned sexism you are dealing with.

Lweji · 04/06/2017 11:09

Trifleorbust

I suggest you read it again and see the context in which I'd consider overruling another parent.

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 11:17

Lweji

No, I read it. It sounds like you would overrule the other parent if, in your view, they 'crossed a line'. I don't think that is that different to what most people do. No-one should be overruling anyone. It isn't healthy for children to see that happen in any but extreme circumstances.

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 11:18

I'll put it this way: if my DH challenged me in front of our DD and overruled me without a bloody excellent reason, it would be a serious problem.

Blanketdog · 04/06/2017 11:18

He sounds very over protective - there's a balance and if you don't achieve it your dd might start to lie - climb out windows at night, either from your house or friend's house - you can't lock her up! Your dd's point about your dh only being worried about boys is valid...sexual relationships can easily be same sex. I saw too many teens rebel - in a totally unsafe way after being controlled by their usually Dads.
Be very careful, your dd does not respect the decision that has been made - and you can't force respect, relationships deteriorate causing even less respect and more rebellious behaviour.

yummumto3girls · 04/06/2017 11:24

OP please don't be pressured in to letting your DD do something just because other parents feel it is ok, go with what you feel is right. I despair at other parents sometimes and what they let their DD's do, I have a 13 and 16 year old. I would have considered letting DD go at 5 and collect a couple of hours later but def not until 10 without parents. As for your DH not letting DD go to Hyde Park or out for lunch until 17 he is just being ridiculous and unless he learns to compromise he will end up dealing with a whole lot worse when she rebells!

C8H10N4O2 · 04/06/2017 11:25

I was in nightclubs at 13, I wasn't doing drugs but I was definitely drinking and I think it's quite naive to think she (or her friends) won't be doing that.

The DD isn't asking to go to a nightclub, she was asking to go to and end of term gathering at 5pm with her own school peers. Its the lack of distinguishing between different types of event and risk levels which is the problem here (and a controlling DF).

Lweji · 04/06/2017 11:25

Trifleorbust

The problem here is that the OP's other half isn't considering or seeking her opinion on educating their DD.

I'd put to him that he either always consults with me and we made joint decisions or I'd start overruling him.
Because at this stage it's all about him overruling her.

Lweji · 04/06/2017 11:27

I'll put it this way: if my DH challenged me in front of our DD and overruled me without a bloody excellent reason, it would be a serious problem.

That's what's happening now to the OP.

What do you suggest she does?

Lweji · 04/06/2017 11:28

Also start reading posts properly before jumping to one sentence you don't like.

user1485166754 · 04/06/2017 11:34

Don't see what is wrong with her going if you are dropping off and picking her up. She is entitled to have male friends just as much as female friends

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 11:40

Lweji

I don't think it is a bloody excellent reason. I think he is right. I accept it isn't black and white, but it isn't a case of him being completely out of order either.

Voice0fReason · 04/06/2017 11:43

DH has told DD several times that for as long as she is living under his roof, he's not having situations where she is off somewhere with a boy and he doesnt know where or who he is
I'm not surprised they argue! Good grief, what does he think he is, the guardian of her purity? He really needs to get a grip. He does not get to control her the entire time she is living under his roof.
This is going to get worse as she gets older because she will want and need more freedom and room to grow while he wants her to remain his little girl.

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 11:43

Lweji

I can't see where he has challenged and overruled his wife in front of their DD. He didn't agree to her suggestion of a compromise, but that isn't quite the same thing. Anyway, I am not saying he should be able to overrule her. Just that it isn't okay the other way round either.

Lweji · 04/06/2017 11:44

Sigh

The problem isn't his opinion. It's how he bloody overrules the OP by not considering her opinion before dictating the rules.
That IS an excellent reason to overrule him. And it can simply be as saying: you haven't asked me what I think, so DD you'll have to wait until dad and I discuss it.

delilah245 · 04/06/2017 11:45

Your DH is completely right in this. Sorry :/ Even if the kid didn't have an older brother, 14 year old boys with girls alone is a recipe for all the wrong things. It definitely was when I was 14. (I had very little supervision)
I would try to compromise with DH and see if in the future your dd can invite this boy over so that they can hang out in a supervised setting and you can at least meet him. It's nothing to do with trust or them being good kids or not.. teenagers are typically not at the maturity level of making the most sensible decisions for themselves. That is why they have you.

If something seems off to your DH, it's probably because it is.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 11:48

Maybe read the OP, Delilah?