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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

419 replies

suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:15

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs Confused He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 11:48

Lweji

I don't agree that this situation justifies overruling the DH innfront of the DD. If they can't agree on her going because one parent thinks it is unsafe, she shouldn't go for now. Her mum and dad should agree ground rules they can both get on board with going forward.

Like I say, I am just thinking about what I would feel if my DH told my DD that my opinion was irrelevant, right in front of both of us. It really isn't okay.

Jengnr · 04/06/2017 11:48

Your husband is doing a cracking job of making sure that when she does have boyfriends their encounters will be clandestine, furtive, probably in inappropriate places and you will know nothing about it.

If you foster the kind of relationship where you can talk about this stuff you can guide her to help keep her safe. Some things are inevitable so are you prepared to offer her support or let her find her own way? The latter will put her in much more dangerous situations.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 11:51

"If they can't agree on her going because one parent thinks it is unsafe, she shouldn't go for now."

So overprotective "daddy's little princess" man wins?

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 11:59

BertrandRussell

It isn't about winning. It is about mutually respectful parenting. It sounds like the DH needs to make some changes, but I would never overrule my DH once he had said no, unless I had a serious reason, any more than I would expect him to do that to me. I just think it undermines the joint effort.

MrsKenningtonBag · 04/06/2017 12:01

Surely this would be pretty harmless if one of you stuck your nose in, got a number for the parents just in case and picked her up at about 9 ish?

The afternoon out rowing as well.

I think he does need to rethink or she will just stop telling him.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 12:17

"It isn't about winning. It is about mutually respectful parenting."
I agree, for what it's worth that parents should have their disagreements in private. But the father here is laying down the law, refusing to compromise and overruling the OP. And if the more cautious parent gets priority he will continue to do so.

leonardthelemming · 04/06/2017 12:17

I've read the whole thread - whew!

Hate this assumption that boys are always a danger.

This. I'm the father of two boys (grown up now), and I hope they always acted respectfully towards girls. One of the things that I think is really nice for teenagers growing up today (and so different from when I was that age) is that it is seen as perfectly normal to have friends, both girls and boys, without any need to get into a romantic relationship.

I think the OP's husband is treating his daughter as a child. Some PPs on this thread clearly think so too. She isn't. Legally, yes ( someone is bound to point this out) but not in any realistic sense.
In my experience, (35 years teaching, of which 10 as a houseparent in a boarding school, plus two spells as Year 9 form tutor in girls' schools, and extensive voluntary work with teenagers (Scouts, DofE)), girls do a huge amount of growing up between 13 and 14 (so Year 9). More than in the next two years put together.

So what she wants more than anything right now is to be an adult. She isn't, of course, but she is far closer to adulthood than childhood, and the adult privilege that she wants especially is the right to make her own decisions. They may not be the best ones at first, but the only way she will improve her decision-making skills is to practise.

The role of a parent is to use their greater knowledge and experience to predict the outcome and be ready to catch their offspring when it all goes pear-shaped. Not to wrap them up in cotton wool. It's all about risk assessment and risk management - they have to learn to do it for themselves.

So, I would have let her go. As some other PPs have suggested, I would have a phone code so she could contact me if things didn't go according to plan. And the OP needs to get across to her DH that he is being overprotective. Otherwise, the next time she barricades herself in her room - and is "safe" - she'll be out the window with her other phone (without the tracker app) and her dad will be blissfully ignorant.

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 12:19

BertrandRussell

Maybe I haven't read the thread very well but I really can't see evidence that he has overruled her in the sense I am referring to: after the other parent has made a decision and in front of the child. It sounds like the OP didn't assert herself to the level of giving permission. Maybe she can't at the moment because of the way he is. I don't know. But I still don't believe it is appropriate to contradict one another in full view of the child.

suri80 · 04/06/2017 12:20

Just to say I really wouldn't undermine him in front of the DC as I think it's a bad model which they will exploit.
I worry for DD though as she's the eldest so blazing the trail so to speak. Also she is the only girl and I do think this has a lot to do with it in terms of DH's expectations around her behaviour. So I'm trying to balance this out, but I need to do it gradually. So far DD has not been problematic - she is quite reasonable and I want to keep communication open.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 04/06/2017 12:22

No wouldn't let my DD go either probably unless I know the people and parents well

at 14 I had a very bad experience at a house party

lovelycuppateas · 04/06/2017 12:24

Well said leonard. It's scary being the parents of teens as they get more independence but you have to start giving them more independence or they will never learn how to judge situations themselves. It's a big change in your role, and I think much harder for the parent than the child!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/06/2017 12:27

She's 14. There's going to be alcohol there without adult supervision. No way is your dh over protective. I'm 100% behind him
I'm 41 and I still have to text my dad and tell him. I'm home safe. When I go on a night out or after I've visited him. Its the way dads are especially with their daughters

suri80 · 04/06/2017 12:28

Leonard - thankyou, yes she has grown up a lot this year and in her group of friends, it's almost as if they've bypassed that "awkward who's going out with who" phase because they're together all the time at school and just see each other as friends. Having said that, I could well be missing something.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 12:31

Out of interest, OP, who did she ask first, you or your DH?

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 12:39

Presumably she asked the parent who hasn't told her she's not allowed to go to lunch with a boy until she's at least 17........

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 12:42

BertrandRussell

We don't need to presume; the OP can just tell us.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/06/2017 12:45

Just to say I really wouldn't undermine him in front of the DC as I think it's a bad model which they will exploit.

Yes it is but what they see now is him overruling you. You and DH need a joint strategy to deal with disagreements in this space (and trust me, there will be plenty as you both feel you way through wrangling teenagers). Leonard is spot on regarding the need to sensibly assess risk and let them make as many decisions as possible. You can't do that in front of the DC.

They need to see 'we will discuss it and get back to you' and them see that sometimes your argument holds, sometimes his, more likely a middle ground rather than DH always 'winning'.

Middle ground here might have been 'we are ok trusting you going at 5pm but DH will drop you off and then pick you up at 9pm'. You give her some trust and she gives you some consideration for anxiety.

When my eldest hit the 'going out alone with strange people' phase it was really hard. I told him bluntly that however much my analytical risk assessing brain said 'OK', my parental gut would always worry until he was home. Hence he could help me by making sure I knew where he was and that he had emergency funds/friends with him etc to call if needed.

I won't say I never had an anxious night but the model worked overall and even as visiting adults if they go out to catch up with old friends they tell me about their plans and if they will be staying overnight etc. I don't ask them, they don't need to tell me but I appreciate that they do it.

polarolo · 04/06/2017 13:00

Hah, if a child's entire unconscious role model for relationships is "mum says something reasonable, dad contradicts, mum purses her lips and agrees", then they're in trouble anyway.

I think that discussions and (respectful) disagreements are good models of behaviour as much as united fronts are. That's not the same as undermining. A lot of it is down to nuance and consistently kind relationships overall of course.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 13:00

"When my eldest hit the 'going out alone with strange people' phase it was really hard. I told him bluntly that however much my analytical risk assessing brain said 'OK', my parental gut would always worry until he was home. Hence he could help me by making sure I knew where he was and that he had emergency funds/friends with him etc to call if needed."

Yes. My children have a thing called "HMP", which stands for Humouring Mum's Paranoia. This means that while they are living at home, they let me know roughly where they are. They tell me if they go from one town to another. (That sounds wierd. But we live rurally, and their friends live in 5 small towns connected by rail) And they always tell me when they get to where they are going to spend the night. They understand that I worry about them, and because they are kind, considerate people who have been allowed appropriate freedom, they do their best not to add to my worry. Oh, and we also have a code word which means "Come and get me". It's been used 3 times in 7 years.

polarolo · 04/06/2017 13:01

Out of interest bertrand, what's your code?

Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 13:08

polarolo

I don't disagree with that.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/06/2017 13:14

My children have a thing called "HMP", which stands for Humouring Mum's Paranoia.

Yes mine dubbed it something very similar Grin. They would assure me they had Mum's Anxiety Kit with them (taxi fare, emergency money etc, phone code) and that I knew where they were going and how they were getting back as they tripped out the door.

I am profoundly grateful to my parents for taking this approach when I was younger (at a time with no mobile phones and IRA bombings in London). It made me quite conscious of assessing risk for myself and wanting to justify the trust which was probably a lot more effective in keeping me safe than a dictatorial DF guarding my purity.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 13:25

Well, it's a code question- "Have I got training tomorrow morning?"

suri80 · 04/06/2017 14:20

She did actually ask me first (not surprisingly) but it was all very last minute as these things seem to get arranged via WhatsApp and I was trying to get the details of it all when DH intervened.
Thankyou for all the comments and it's given me a lot to think about. We have 2 boys as well,12 and 10, and I am starting to see differences in the way DH responds to them as opposed to DD as they are getting older. He has been far more concerned that I have "the talk" with DD than DS1 when in actual fact, I never made a masdive deal of this and just let them know I'm available for discussing things when and as needed.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/06/2017 14:29

suri80

So he intervened, but this whole discussion took place in front of both of you and you hadn't actually given her permission?