Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

[suri80]

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

Afro - every child tells their parents they hate them - it's almost a national joke! Kids resort to this when they are feeling powerless - they do not mean it - you're meant to ignore such nonsense.

I don't understand why you thank your parents for beating you!!!! that's a version of weird I don't get!

They can commit group ice cream consumption.

Thank you, deckoff.

Blanket I never once told my parents I hate them wouldn't dream of such a thing. How disrespectful is that?

Clearly we are different and I saw a smacking as keeping me on the straight and narrow. My parents instilled respect and values in me. The fact I don't hate shows that their parenting style worked.

Whilst I respect my upbringing I wouldn't inflict it on my child. My parents done what they thought was right but times were different then.

The fact that my actions have not damaged my relationship shows that on this occasion my parenting style worked. What worked for me may not work for someone else.

Well afrobrown you will not know the fall out for many years - good luck with it. Dcs are no longer as mindlessly compliant as they were, you are bullying your dd to get her to behave they way you want...maybe she will see your dicpiplinary behaviour in the way you see your parent's behaviour and it won'y affect your relationship or her mental health, I really hope you are right for both your sakes.

Personally I would not let her go. If she's having a strop about it then let her get on with it. It's unsafe.

I do hear what your saying about raising a black teen.. for now I don't have one but if I do I will be proceed with caution

When I was 15 I went to a big out of town event with three of my close friends. I know all our parents had massive reservations about this particular event but we went together, dropped off by one DF and clear instructions about time we needed to leave to get home safely (this is all pre mobile phones). We had all been to events before.

The event ran late, we stayed just a bit too long, missed connections and ended up stuck at Kings Cross at 2.30am. It wasn't a nice place to be. The other three were all thinking of staying the night there rather than phoning home - their parents were not unreasonable but they were nervous of the response. I was nervous too because I'd screwed up but it never occurred to me for a second not to call. My Dad came out and got us, we stayed the night at my place whilst my Mum rang the other parents. My Dad had to work the next morning.

Looking back, we had been mostly sensible - we were not drunk, we didn't take drugs, we didn't accept 'help' from dubious people because we had learned self worth and risk management by then. We made one stupid mistake.

My Dad never shouted at me or got angry - he didn't need to I was mortified and getting it wrong. But he did tell me how relieved he was when I called - there is no degree of anger which could have made me feel worse and make me realise just how much I was loved. When I spoke at my wedding I talked about that night and how that love and security and trust had empowered me so much.

I'm in my 50s, my own children are now all in their 20s and that night is vivid in my memory. At difficult times when they were teens I tried to keep in mind that I wanted to be that parent they would call no matter what they had done and that they would be self confident enough and experienced enough to keep themselves safe until I could get there.

Haven't RTFT and am on the fence about the party. (It clearly IS a party.)

But agog that your dh stopped your dd from rowing on the Serpentine with her pal(s) in the afternoon!! That is way OTT.

C8H10N4O2 so glad to hear that you remained safe your dad's love is amazing and a testament to how a father should be. This is the exact mantle I want to live up to.

Being 15, 35 years ago kings X is definitely not a place you would want to be.

I understand you have to trust your kids but at times its not your kids you don't trust it is society. I understand that now as a parent but as a child it was so foreign to me.

"Haven't RTFT and am on the fence about the party. (It clearly IS a party.)"
Is it? Her small (because private school) class meeting together? 15 kids max?

Afro he was a good man, I learned a lot from him. The big gift he and my Mother gave me was a strong sense of self worth and self reliance - it was because my parents had previously trusted me on the smaller occasions that I was able to cope with a difficult one and that I was sober and sensible enough to do so.

As a teen I didn't really appreciate how difficult that was for my parents. As a parent I told my teens very clearly that I was nervous about situations and they humoured me by being considerate and ensuring I always knew where they were and how they were getting home. They never let me down and they did cope with the odd difficulty which arose. I'm not complacent - there is always a degree of luck in this. But mutual trust and consideration go a long way.

cowgirlsareforever that's the thing about risk. If something happens we know people are at risk. If nothing happens we assume no one was at risk. There may be no risk at all. We do not know. But parents must make their own choices based on what they are concerned about.

Of course in our society we will be in mixed company most of the time. I am not someone who is afraid of men in general. But I think you are not taking this seriously if you do not acknowledge why parents may be worried about teenage girls at a party.

One may also be worried about teenage boys too. But I do think the concerns would be different. It does not mean I think all teenage boys are a risk!

If you have a teenage or pre-teenage daughter maybe you just see things differently. If you do not have a teenage or pre-teenage daughter, maybe you just do not understand what I am talking about.

I'm not going to engage with you on this any more as I don't think you are taking me seriously.

OP I hope you and your dh work things out well with your dd.

I was a teenage girl once Italiangreyhound . I was allowed to make my own choices and develop my own sense of what was risky and what wasn't. I encountered a lot of teenage boys and most were good lads. I was sexually assaulted btw and the perpetrator was a much older man than me in a position of trust.

I wear a lot of different hats. I can't think of a single one which is not depressed by this thread. Mother of sons, mother of daughters, feminist, youth leader, writer, thinker, sociologist, friend, aunt,great aunt, teacher, community activist ..........every one of me is depressed.

Tell your DH he is right. No to rowing. No to 'hanging out. No to DD knowing her friends better than him.

That's presuming he wants her to move out at 17.

'Tell your DH he is right. No to rowing. No to 'hanging out. No to DD knowing her friends better than him. That's presuming he wants her to move out at 17.'

This ^. Some of you need perspective, the ops DD wasn't requesting to go Glastonbury camping with a mixed group or something, it was a few hours in a house to be picked up at 10pm or whatever. Teens need a bit of freedom and trust.

I have a 17 year old dd and was told I was a lax parent because I let her go to any get together going that she wanted.
Always on the understanding that she didn't drunk or smoke and I picked her up after.
DD having been given the freedom has got to the point where she is seeing loads of her friends who weren't given the freedom she was going crazy at any party drinking and smoking and going with any boy who looks twice at them.

Dd doesn't drink or smoke. She doesnt like the taste of alcohol or what it turns people into. She prefers being in charge of her surroundings. She also hates the smell of cigarettes.

Fwiw your DD Suri might be telling the truth about boys being gay. Most of the boys in dds school and college are gay (I have met them. Definitely the case). Also dating anyone in your own class is seen as a bit desperate.

I had a teenage girl until quite recently and my feeling was always that she would be safest if she had the kind of trust in us that C8H talks about. I loved my parents dearly and still do, but I also knew they were shockable, so in a dodgy situation I would have avoided telling them the truth- and in retrospect that's not the safest position to be in.

I felt dd would be much safer if she learnt to negotiate dodgy situations gradually and with our back-up rather than have it dumped on her all at 18, or having to pretend that nothing dodgy could ever happen at her parties, oh no.

I now have a teenage boy. I worry as much about him- in fact more, since he has been the target of violence. But again I hope he knows that he can tell us and can ask for help at any time of night or day.

Yes.

My 16yo is going to Latitude after GCSEs. In a group of friends. I hope they're fine.

I've also given her the number of an old schoolfriend who will be there and said look, ring him if you run into problems and including anything that you might not want us to know, and he will be able to help.

I want her to be able to go and I also want to be able to help with a safety-net.

DH is spot on.

Not quite read all the thread, but most.

I have 14yo boy. At an independent school. About to go off on DofE in a mixed group.

FWIW, I would have been fine with the Hyde Park outing. Not so much with the evening one, but I probably would have let him go, with conditions - agreed pickup, credit on Uber to get him out of there if he needed to, a word to text me if he wanted me to come right away, no questions asked.

I think OP's DH has been very heavy handed about it, which will almost certainly rebound at some stage. I remember worrying about school friends who I knew were lying to their parents about where they were - at times I was the only person who knew where they actually were, which was deeply uncomfortable. To date, my DS has told us about such smoking/drinking/etc as goes on at school, and we have managed to be discreet and not to overreact. I hope (but don't take for granted) that he will continue to talk to us as long as we can keep that trust.

Not sure what I would do now IIWY, OP, but I do think you need to do something before your DD starts to feel that the only solution is to lie

Peer pressure happens. At 14, that's not something you want to actively choose your child to be involved in. It happens. It's normal. Your husband has every right to not allow her to go. Clearly he's been there and he would know how young men think...

Now that I have read the whole thread...

I still think DH is right to say no to the staying with a boy at night while parents away.
A short visit - yes.
Many hours / overnight no.

OP said she suggested 10pm pick up but I don't know what DD was asking for??

We all want out teenagers to be happy and popular but, at 14, DD doesn't need to "stay" at someone's house. The longer they are hanging out unsupervised the more tempting it is for them to behave recklessly. I don't hold with the -if-we-were-going-to-do-it-we-could-do-it-in-the daytime mallarkey. And I don't hold with the all my friends are gay...
The thing is, teenagers lie - even the ones who have hip and communicative parents.
It's part of how their brains develop - they become arrogant and demanding - this coupled with poor judgement and FOMO means friction. I reckon its inevitable.

Proper dating at 16? - yes - its all legal by then and she will be more mature in 2 years (IMO 17 is a bit late).

My DS was okay till 15 then wanted a midnight curfew ffs. Sometimes you just have to say No - especially if they have exams coming up.
School holidays are when you let them off the leash a little.

I do the drink and drugs talk. DS gets all shirty: "I'm Not Stupid!" and I remind him that alcohol weakens your resolve and allows you to be reckless which can mean trying drugs that you wouldn't ordinarily take.
I never say drugs are terrible I just say its an unregulated industry- you have no idea what you are getting so its a mug's game. This appeals to his belief that he can make mature decisions...

FWIW Last summer I let DS go to Leeds festival camping after GCSEs and I shudder to think what was ingested and imbibed; he looked rather poorly for a few days and doesn't want to go this year.

Steve Biddulph writes some really I threshing stuff about girls and phones and trust etc...Raising Girls. Don't have anything to add that others haven't already but I would struggle to let her go butter then my DD is only 9 months old!!

ooh forgot to say- tell your teenager you are going to phone the other parents to check arrangements for parties- amazing how many "Must-go- to" events suddenly get shelved.