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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

419 replies

suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:15

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs Confused He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

OP posts:
Clearaschristal · 05/06/2017 18:14

No way would I allow my daughter to go there! Better off in her room, even though she's upset. She'll get over it soon enough. Dad is right!!

neverdull · 05/06/2017 18:16

I've always tried to compromise with my 3 DD's that builds trust ready for when their 16 when it gets even worse! Think you have to remember what it feels like to be 14 and not trusted and stopped from joining in! If she is trustworthy and responsible then you should let her go!

SherbrookeFosterer · 05/06/2017 18:36

Your DH is spot on.

Better to be a bit over protective than your DD find herself in a situation she doesn't want to be in.

Just make light of it and tell he she will be the same when she has kids!

mahadams2 · 05/06/2017 18:39

Yeah i agree with neverdull! How can you know if your DD can actually be trusted if shes never given the oppertunity to be in a situation where you have had to just trust her? I would deffo try to compromise, we only know what we know now as parents from our own mistakes & its not fair to judge her by situations or people you have been in or known. The stricter the parents, the sneakier the children!! There will come a point where she dont ask or tell you, she will find her own way coz she knows dad will just say no!

BertrandRussell · 05/06/2017 18:44

"Now that I have read the whole thread...
I still think DH is right to say no to the staying with a boy at night while parents away.
A short visit - yes."

You can't have read it very carefully. She was not "staying with a boy at night"She wanted to go to a gathering with her whole class at 5.00 in the afternoon.

MaybeNextWeek · 05/06/2017 18:50

'How can you know if your DD can actually be trusted if shes never given the oppertunity to be in a situation where you have had to just trust her'

Exactly. The thing to do is allow small mixed gatherings locally, with a predetermined pick up time, see if rules can be adhered to and go from there.

AyUpMiDuck · 05/06/2017 18:55

BertrandRussell OP suggested 10pm pick up which didn't seem to be acceptable for whatever reason- this is evening/night for me.

BertrandRussell · 05/06/2017 19:12

You also said she would be with "a boy". Not her mixed class group.

LML83 · 05/06/2017 19:15

It's hard. You want to trust her but you don't know what peer pressure can lead to.

I read recently a system a parent has with her teen where if she gets a X from DC in a text message she will call and make a generic excuse why he/she has to leave and pick up asap. This is supposed to give DC an out if he/she doesn't feel comfortable but the deal is no questions asked (so long as nobody else is in a harmful situation).

Think I would struggle with no questions asked but probably that is the only way it would work.

If u do trust your DD this may help in future.

Your DD doesn't have control over who is at the house and older brother could have decided his friends are coming if they don't have unsupervised house very often. Also maybe others outwith the normal group will come too. I think your DH is right.

JustDanceAddict · 05/06/2017 19:21

I'd let my 14 yr old go & pick her up at a reasonable hour. i trust her & she would ring if unhappy. Of course I'd let her go to Hyde park with a mixed group.

Gingersdohavesouls · 05/06/2017 19:22

My daughter is 15 and has been going out without adult supervision since just before 14. I purposely have made great relationships with a lot of her friends so that if anything was to happen when she is out, they know to contact me straight away and I won't be angry bcoz I'd rather know.
There have been a couple of instances where she's gone out, realised that people are drinking so she contacts me to let me know, and depending on where she is and who is there, whether she is also allowed to have a drink.
My parents were VERY strict with me, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without them and therefore I moved out at 17 and went overboard doing all the things my parents didn't want me doing - and I got pregnant at 18!

With my daughter I've brought her up VERY open minded and very mature for her age (she's my only child after I lost her younger sister when she was 2) so she knows (for the most part) what to do in most situations and I TRUST her!
In my eyes that's the biggest thing at this age - you say you trust your child but you aren't showing them or letting them prove they're trust worthy unless you DO let them out!

MsJudgemental · 05/06/2017 19:45

You should have let her go for a few hours. If you are happy for her to take the tube everyday then she has a certain amount of street wisdom. Teenagers her age have 'gatherings' all the time. From my own experience of this, mixed groups can and often do socialise without sex, drink and drugs. If you trust her she is more likely to tell you of any issues. If you let her go she will happily come back. Treat her with respect and she will have self-respect and give respect back. She is growing up- you cannot keep her as a child.

Original poster
suri80 · 05/06/2017 19:47

Thankyou - catching up, sorry.
I agree with what a PP said about how going out with someone on your class is considered a bit desperate. DD says the only people to be dating in her class are two girls. A lot of them seem to be all over the place about being pan-sexual, bi-sexual or whatever. This seems to be a thing at the moment - I'm not even sure what half the categories mean. The school is in Hammersmith and they're a quite "savvy" bunch - many commute in from as far away as Wembley or Kingston every day.
I tried to talk to DH last night about not alienating DD. He is very fixed though about things and he will blatantly say that "it's obvious" that things are different for girls than for boys. He is adamant there are some things you don't take risks with. Tbh he is even OTT about me in some situations e.g. if I'm out at night he always gets me to text him that I'm in a taxi and this kind of thing. I don't take too much notice, but the way he is about DD recently has made me reflect a bit more on that too. Anyway, despite this, he has agreed to let her go to an upcoming party at a nightclub Confused one of her friends has hired for her birthday (it goes on until 10 and there will be adults there). So some progress, I suppose. Also he is ok about her meeting a mixed group for lunch in Sat to celebrate the end of the exams, She has made him promise not to Facetime her Confused
I really do think it's important for DD to feel like she can turn to him as well as me if she's ever in trouble. I would feel terrible if that wasn't the case. He says of course DD knows she can ask him anything Hmm
Thanks for all the perspectives!

OP posts:
MaybeNextWeek · 05/06/2017 19:54

Op where is you dh from? My friends dh is from India and she has similar problems with him not letting their teenage girls out of his sight.
It's hard enough without a culture clash too.

Original poster
suri80 · 05/06/2017 20:19

He is from Sicily and a quite crazy family, but left 27 years ago!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 05/06/2017 20:44

"Also he is ok about her meeting a mixed group for lunch in Sat to celebrate the end of the exams"

Seriously, suri- if you are thinking of this as progress, you have bigger problems than you think.

ProphetOfDoom · 05/06/2017 21:39

Your DH wants to meet any boyfriend? I think that's very wise and surely part of the deal when youngsters start dating.

Your DH though needs to change tack though. He needs to give DD the tools with how to deal with situations, and extend a littke trust so dd can test her fledgling wings.

jakscrakers · 05/06/2017 21:58

Children grow up much earlier these days, but the truth is she told you where it was, she told you the parents were away, if she was up to no good, she would have perhaps fibbed and told you 'no they are there' but no she wanted to be honest, and truthful and for that she lost out, that is not teaching her that honest and truthful is the right way if she wants to do things with her friends, its not the same as saying hey we trust you, we just dont trust the others.....

BertrandRussell · 05/06/2017 22:09

"Children grow up much earlier these days,"

She doesn't want to do anything "grown up" she wants to spend some time in the afternoon/early evening with her classmates. It's a very long time since I was 14, but I certainly did that then. Ditto going to eat ice cream in the park.

jakscrakers · 05/06/2017 22:18

no @bertrandRussel I mean they dont expect at that age to still be treated as children in their mind they are grown up, not going out to do the grown up things, they need to feel trusted and believed, not mollycoddled, they dont see the same danger that we do, when we query when, where and why they think we dont trust, but we just want them safe

motherinferior · 05/06/2017 22:40

In what century was it normal to introduce one's boyfriend to one's parents for some sort of permission to go out together?

I'm 54. We never had any of That Sort Of Thing going on when I was a girl.

And I agree with Bertrand - 'permitting' your daughter to go out for lunch in a mixed group is not exactly progress.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/06/2017 23:15

Your DH wants to meet any boyfriend? I think that's very wise and surely part of the deal when youngsters start dating

God he would have to have a very free diary
DDs friends who have "lax" parents like me and have let them go out to get togethers since they were early teens go through boys like no bodies business. The boyfriend usually only lasts one date. Usually the date is walking round the local shopping centre and lunch at Nandos. Then they move on to the next. No one at 17 has a serious boyfriend they are having too much fun with friends and trying to work out who and what they like in boys. They are also in the middle of college and A levels

HildaOg · 05/06/2017 23:32

Meeting the boyfriends are a good idea. My dad used to be cleaning out his shotgun everytime I'd bring a new one round (not british). He was always super nice to them but they understood the underlying message and respected it and him. Many of them still drop into my parents if they're passing by.

I had one friend with a very protective dad. She was always treated well until he died then she got a boyfriend who used to beat her. Had her dad still been around he would have been chased off from the beginning. That's what fathers are for.

I don't understand this culture of throw your daughter into the world and assume that all the boys will behave in accordance with your personal values. That leaves them so exposed. Vulnerable young girls will always be targeted by boys, older boys and men... Predators target those who don't have a man fighting for them. It's human nature. Look at Rotherham etc... That could only happen in communtites where the culture of protective fathers has disappeared which is why most of the victims were white English girls.

user1495025590 · 06/06/2017 03:55

I would also be worried about the house getting trashed and the trouble this would bring to your door if your DC was present.A 15 yo neighbour's dd had a party and £73k damage was done to the house & contents. The insurance would not pay a penny because the vandals were invited guests.Lots of police investigation and some criminal and civil court actions.IME privileged kids have less respect for other people's property

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/06/2017 06:47

Bringing home boyfriends for a father's approval is just handing judgement over to another person instead of developing that judgement yourselves. I prefer DD go go on lots of mini dates. Talk to as many people as she can to develop her own judgement.

Maybe if Hilda's friend had been allowed to do that then she wouldn't have ended up in an abusive relationship