Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

[suri80]

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

Bertrand - sorry when I say "such as this", I mean relating to DD and boys / safety. I don't even think he's considered things like drinking! I would say this as I'm her mum , but she's an attractive girl and quite shy and I've noticed that she does get a fair bit of attention when she's out and about. She doesn't always notice it yet though. I think DH is struggling with her growing up and having less influence over her. He says I can't tell him how he should feel.

You can't tell him how to feel but you can point out how he is acting.

And trying to enforce a no-date rule till 'lunches' at 17 is really absurd and unkind.

He has told her today that he's very proud if her and the way she's approached revision this week. Speaking terms are resumed!

He sounds over the top and very controlling. I can't believe he is telling her she can't date until she is 17, that's ridiculous. Sod united front, show your daughter that you will stand up for her.

Well yes motherinf, I agree with that. He's an intelligent man and must see that kind of thing isn't realistic. Even where he comes from, very few claim to uphold the no sex before marriage expectation these days.

@C8H10N4O2 for context my daughter is not 14 has many a year before she is. The door off was not about restricting privacy but teaching consequence to disgusting actions. How my daughter chose to speak to her mother then run in her room and slam the door was not acceptable. Let's just say a door off for a few days and the pas sage light disturbing her sleep has stopped the door being slammed and has provided a better attitude.

As for would I do the same for my son I would possibly be a lot worse and much more strict.

I remember my dad taking my door off for something similar, it's cruel and belittling. I am 45 and I can still remember feeling humiliated. It is not an appropriate punishment.

Yeah, that would have really affected me. Not having a hiding place when I was scared, or a private place when I was awkward? I'd have never felt like I had a safe place ever again. And worse for your sons?

I'm hoping its tone on the internet but you're sounding really unpleasant.

And no to "only partners can judge"; anyone and everyone can comment on your parenting style and your personal tone. Otherwise we'd never ever tackle terrible or abusive parenting in society ever.

(Hey, but at least you don't hit yeah? )

I would never take off my DD's door, tbh. I am quite an old-fashioned "strict" person in many ways but stripping back my child's privacy as a punishment isn't something I would contemplate unless it was to keep them safe.

@Polarolo I am a black male and unfortunately some parts of society still life hard for young black boys. I had hoped by the time I grew up things would get easier but the ris of black on black deaths of boys through knife crime and gangs makes me really worried. Other than that I would treat them equal.

Plus for your info as a teen when I showed a lack of respect for my mum my dad disciplines me by hand. I think about it from time to time as it was a valuable lesson that taught me a women's worth and one that should never be disrespected.

cowgirlsareforever we are not talking about the majority of teenage boys here, although the majority of teenage girls have had sexual harassment so I am guessing a lot of boys are witnessing this and not speaking up.

Mate, just put her door back on please, before you do too much damage.

Good grief Italiangreyhound . So according to you boys are either sex pests or guilty by association for condoning sexual assaults

Dame the door went back on after 2 days. No more slamming but just as important my wife now feels that she is showing her the respect ahe deserves.

"He says I can't tell him how he should feel."
No. But you can talk about how he acts.

Let's just say a door off for a few days and the pas sage light disturbing her sleep has stopped the door being slammed and has provided a better attitude.

Honestly depriving her of privacy and causing her sleep to be disrupted is a good way to suppress behaviour rather than change it.

I remember mine having phases of what felt like personality changes - a bout of rudeness, temper or similar - and it was frustrating and infuriating. However what I learned was that I needed to know the cause of it - it one case it was resulting from bullying at a sports club, I'd never have known this if I'd taken a heavy handed approach although I could easily have suppressed the rude behaviour and replaced it with superficial respect.

I was to a large extent a fairly old fashioned parent when it came to things like regular bedtimes, school work, eating together as a family, limited tv time, expectation that children help around the house according to their age, be considerate of other family members etc. I would never have considered removing privacy and sleep as an effective punishment.

Does your daughter understand that her DM was hurt and upset? That can be more effective than any amount of punishment although she may not admit it straight away.

I am a black male and unfortunately some parts of society still life hard for young black boys.

Yes it definitely is. The challenge you face that I didn't is the additional risk that a young black teen faces when out and about. Observing my friends what seemed to help was being very honest about the problems from early on and fostering a strong sense of trust. Then if the child made a really stupid mistake they would always call you first knowing your first reaction would be to help them rather than be cross at them. TBH, I think that latter goes for all teens and uber strictness just leads to secrecy and lying but you do have an additional challenge I didn't face.

He may feel one way, struggling with DCs growing up is a common parenting issue, but that doesn't justify behaving in a sexist, controlling manner. He needs to work on it and make sure he treats the DC fairly and doesn't penalise DD for her sex or sexuality.

Him praising her for studying is all very well, but not really the issue here, is it.

Removing her door did not teach your daughter to respect women, quite the opposite actually.

You and your Dh need to sit down and discuss how you're going to approach future requests like this from your dd.

All 14 year olds are not susceptible to grooming and being plied with drink or drugs. They are at an age where we, as parents, are not going to personally know thier friends or relatives.

Dd once went to such a gathering and ended up ringing me after an hour, asking to be collected as many were drunk inside the house. I trusted her to do the right thing and she did.

They've got to go up and learn responsibility at some point. She could be leaving home for university in 4 years.

@C8H10N4O2 the sad things is that until the door came off my daughter did not care the effect it had on her mum. The door off started an improved relationship between them as it took away the barrier of my wife talking to her. The door off was not my smartest move but it worked and my daughter now understands that her mum is an amazing women that deserves her respect.

I do hear what your saying about raising a black teen.. for now I don't have one but if I do I will be proceed with caution

I just don't understand how anyone is defending this man.

1. He has told his 14 year old daughter seriously that he will not allow her to go out to lunch with a boy until she is at least 17.

1. He has forbidden her daughter to go to a public park with a mixed group of friends to eat ice cream in the ^afternoon"

3.He made an arbitrary decision that she should not go to a gathering of her classmates (private school, so probably not many) at 5.00.

I agree with you Bertrand.

Dame what I said was when I was rude to my mum many years ago my dad gave me a hiding and then spoke to me about not only respecting my mum but all women. As much as the hiding hurt and my father may have been wrong I thank him for it.

Bert, just as a clarification:

I think that the gathering had started at 5, not that she was joining it at 5. Buy the timing of the first post, I think the refusal was probably to letting her go round there at c. 8-8.30 pm.

I also don't think that just because 1 and 2 are wrong, 3 (later in the evening) is wrong as well. I have no expectation of limiting DD's ability to go out with anyone, nor would I object to a daytime meet-up - but joining an unsupervised mixed party mid-late evening with no specific end time - I'd say no to that.

Obvious homophone error - by not buy. Apologies.