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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to resent the 'mental load'

304 replies

newnameoldme · 02/06/2017 10:19

i just read the mental load and it gave a name to what i always feel and complain of.. why I and all the other women i know, even those with partners who take on their fair share of parenting voluntarily - we still bear the responsibility of this weight of constantly having to think about everything.
why is everything only our concerns? I resent it both because it's on my back and in my head every minute of the day whilst men are me are largely unfettered by this mental load. I resent that freedom they have!
It's isolating to bear the burden of all this stuff and the resentment overtime poisons relationships.
Do women naturally care more or do we have no choice as men opt out of being bothered by the minutiae of life

OP posts:
Gowgirl · 02/06/2017 12:39

Dh wouldn't dream of using the last of the bread just before dcs lunchtime, or only putting his t shirt in the washing machine. Its more about accepting its a family home and working towards it. Can you tell its been a really long few monthsGrin

OuchBollocks · 02/06/2017 12:39

And yes it is the mental load. We both knew DD has a speech problem, but it was me who contacted the HV and then researched private SALTs and got on touch with them. We both thought she would benefit from nursery but is was me who researched them and arranged visits. It's not like he couldn't do that when he's sitting arsing about on his phone when I'm doing bedtime Hmm

pocketsaviour · 02/06/2017 12:40

The only way to prevent this happening is to not engage in it. Men are perfectly capable of doing this stuff when they have to. When I met my H he was a single dad and he coped with all this stuff perfectly well. I worked and he didn't, so he did all the cleaning and cooking plus school drop offs and pick ups.

In my last LTR, we moved in together after about a year and it became apparent that his ex wife had done almost all the wife work as he was completely disorganised. One morning he asked me "Why haven't I got any clean shirts?" and I replied "Well I'm just guessing, but I'm assuming you've made all your shirts dirty, you didn't put them in the laundry basket, so they haven't been washed. I'm off to work, see ya later." He very quickly managed to train himself to actually take some responsibility, otherwise he was going to go without meals, run out of shirts or constantly have creditors calling asking why he hadn't paid the bills.

Men abdicate from this responsibility because we let them. If we want to change things going forward, we have to teach our kids that it's not women's work and men's work, it's just work.

And yes yes yes to teaching girls practical household tasks. My dad taught me to lay bricks, change a plug, rewire a car stereo, use a lathe, a jigsaw, a hacksaw, all kinds of tools in fact. Funnily enough none of those jobs required a penis, just as vacuuming the floor doesn't require a vagina.

MoominFlaps · 02/06/2017 12:41

We need to change this, how can we raise [most] sons so they don't behave this way as adults?

It's extremely difficult to get out of the pattern you've been raised in. If a man sees his mother taking on all the load he will grow to expect that in a wife, even if he doesn't realise that.

It happened with DP. His parents are totally traditional - his Dad works and deals with finances and his mum stays at home and does all the cleaning and cooking. His Dad literally can't even make toast. After we had DS I noticed DP and I were slowly slipping into these roles and we had to have a serious conversation about it.

We need to model the relationships we want our children to have.

Babbitywabbit · 02/06/2017 12:42

Ok it's not as simple as 'don't allow it in the first place.' But there is an extent to which some women facilitate it.

Sometimes it's by having very exacting standards, where a woman won't hand over responsibility for tasks because they might not be done precisely the way she'd do them.

And the latest two colleagues to go on ML where I work have both said they won't transfer any parental leave to their other half because they want to take the whole 12 months themselves

peaceout · 02/06/2017 12:43

Problem is that you get a stand off where the person who cares most about tidiness, healthy eating and just general health and efficency is the one who suffers the most stress and crumbles first

VestalVirgin · 02/06/2017 12:45

What surprises me most about this is that those men who seem incapable of planning ahead for simple household tasks must have lived alone some time ... right?

They don't simply move out of their mother's house to their wife's, they must have spent some time inbetween as independent adults.

How did they cope?

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 02/06/2017 12:46

Oh fuck YY to all of this. My OH is not a bad or uncaring husband. He will change nappies, sheets, laundry etc. But I have to tell him and that is what really gets my goat. I shouldn't have to ask him to change his own daughter's bum, no-one asks me, I just do it. Plus asking them makes me feel like I need to thank him afterwards. DD had reflux and the number of times he would just "present" her to me saying "Oh no, she's been sick again, I guess she'll need a change of clothes".

What I've said to him so many times but he still doesn't seem to get us the mental work involved. The hours spent reading up on infant sleep, reflux, weaning etc. How when she has a fever, I'm the one who has to make all the decisions about whether to see a GP or call 111.

Addictedtocustardcreams · 02/06/2017 12:46

I don't think it is as simple as saying don't allow it to happen in the first place. I read that article & sent it to my DH as this is exactly what we recurrently row about. However I work a lot less hours than he does so it is difficult to see how I wouldn't be doing the lions share of the organising. How did I get to working less hours? Well we both have professional careers but someone needed to scale back a bit in order for our children to not be completely neglected. It was easier for me to do this. Not only was it easier but in his particular career (interventional cardiologist) there is a very macho culture that prizes long hours worked & would not have looked kindly upon a request for reduced hours or more flexible working. Maybe he should be a trail blazer but when you are trying to establish a career in a competitive environment (there were only a limited number of consultant jobs around when he was applying) can you afford to go out on a limb? So I do partly blame him but I also blame society & I don't think we as a couple can change all of this on our own.

OuchBollocks · 02/06/2017 12:47

I don't think sharing maternity leave has much to do with it. It may address inequality in the workplace but that's a different discussion. I love my maternity leave, and anyway it would have been difficult going back to work with a bottle refusing baby who had just or hadn't even started solids.

BeachyKeen · 02/06/2017 12:49

That's what I mean Pocket by not accepting, don't engage! These are grown assume men, perfectly capable of doing all the same things as us. If they "let it slide" you absolutely can't accept it, or they will keep doing it.
I went to work while dh was the stay at home parent , and at other points, I was the stay at home. I didn't tell dh how to run the house when I wasn't there, or what needed to be done. He took care of it because he can see what needs doing, and do it.
If men can go to work and run ships and countries, they can remember to send flowers to their mum and book the kids dentists appointments.

OuchBollocks · 02/06/2017 12:50

Oh yes AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo! I ask (note, have to ask) DH to hold the baby, then the baby sicks and it's "Ouch, I need a muslin, why did you hand me the baby without a muslin?" FFS there's muslins all over the house go get one!

LoveMinions · 02/06/2017 12:57

I just want to stand up for my husband here (and maybe other men?!?). I am a SAHM (gave up a successful management career after second child was born in order to be with my children) I do 100% house chores, cooking food planning/shopping school runs (2 children under 5) laundry and all the mundane ad hoc tasks in the house and yes it is tiring, however at the same time my husband is spending his time ensuring we have money coming in (manages investments as well as his very tiring day job) ensures we are keeping on top of our finiances, planning financially well ahead into the future, ensuring our 2 cars are well serviced and always considering whether we need to change them or not, he is an entrepreneur at heart and all this comes to him naturally which I cannot do to save my life. We both have different areas of strength so I cannot resent him for not picking up the odd sock on the floor when I'm not even aware of what the next tax cut implication may be on us as I'm too bogged down with house and family stuff and quite frankly finances bore me and I don't have that burden, same as him not having the burden of knowing when to empty the dishwasher.

Each to their own but I appreciate the qualities my husband has and feel I've got the easier job....

LoveMinions · 02/06/2017 12:58

Next tax rise (not cut)

OuchBollocks · 02/06/2017 13:01

LoveMinions respectfully, although that setup works for you, this thread illustrates that men (and yeat NAMALT) not assuming any domestic responsibility does not work for them. Also I cannot see why going to work means your husband cannot put his own socks in the washbasket rather than leave them for you to pick up. He is actively and unnecessarily adding to your workload.

BewareOfDragons · 02/06/2017 13:05

It is the same here. I hate it.

hazeydays14 · 02/06/2017 13:05

My DP didn't go to uni so lived with his parents until we moved in together (ages 24/23) and though he's was more than capable of looking after himself/doing his own washing/cooking/cleaning he lacked the initiative to think ahead iyswim.

I refused to be his mother for him. For example, he'd ask sometimes 'where's my football shirt' it would be in his bag where he had left it the week before. I 'trained' him quite well it grips my shit that women are expected to train fully grown men but that's another issue

We recently moved into his parents to save for a deposit for our own house and now his mother will do everything for DP and DPs dad because if she doesn't, it doesn't get done. Drives me crazy, I just want her to refuse but she's too used to taking on the burden.

I'm expected (and more than happy to/wouldn't expect it any other way) to do all my own washing and share the chores. I feel it's because I'm a fellow woman rather than not her own family if that makes sense.

MoominFlaps · 02/06/2017 13:06

same as him not having the burden of knowing when to empty the dishwasher.

When it's full, maybe?

Yes, you stick up for men. The poor loves, they have such a tough time of it.

Babbitywabbit · 02/06/2017 13:10

I think shared parental leave has everything to do with it. It's about setting out roles and expectations from the get-go. And there's absolutely no reason why a mother can't hand over the last few months of a year long ML to the baby's father even if the baby is bf! If a mother wants the leave all to herself and the father is happy with that, then fine. But don't kid yourself that you're not setting a pattern of roles and expectations

LoveMinions · 02/06/2017 13:12

OuchBollocks - because I feel I do not have the burden of making money - the burden of financial security, it's a very heavy burden, putting it into perspective (for me) a sock on the floor is no big deal

Mommasoph30 · 02/06/2017 13:14

its the opposite in my relation ship my poor hubby has the mental load, i try to help as much as i can but i always forget something,

i dont think its gender specific, i think it depends what person you are and relationship you are in

Addictedtocustardcreams · 02/06/2017 13:15

Totally agree with babbitywabbit. It's about setting expectations. I think shared parental leave would not only set expectations within the couple but also affect societal expectations too. I went back to work when my babies were 6 months & then 9 months on my second mat leave. They were both EBF bottle refusers & we made it work.

Babbitywabbit · 02/06/2017 13:20

I went back after a 12 week ML (not played competitive hardship here- it was the norm in the early 1990s so we all did it, and my friends and I pretty much all bf long term too)
I think many women of my generation would give their right arm to have the opportunities available now. I would have loved to share parental leave with my dh and I think children must benefit hugely from it

BeachyKeen · 02/06/2017 13:26

You can't make someone change, but you can have standards of acceptable behaviour. You have the right to walk away if someone doesn't meet those standards. You can choose not to make a home with someone who won't be an equal grown up.

ThymeLord · 02/06/2017 13:26

Well quite Moomin. I'm just relieved someone was here to stick up for the poor men. Imagine having to cope with the burden of knowing when to empty a dishwasher? I feel faint at the thought.

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