to resent the 'mental load'

[newnameoldme]

i just read the mental load and it gave a name to what i always feel and complain of.. why I and all the other women i know, even those with partners who take on their fair share of parenting voluntarily - we still bear the responsibility of this weight of constantly having to think about everything.
why is everything only our concerns? I resent it both because it's on my back and in my head every minute of the day whilst men are me are largely unfettered by this mental load. I resent that freedom they have!
It's isolating to bear the burden of all this stuff and the resentment overtime poisons relationships.
Do women naturally care more or do we have no choice as men opt out of being bothered by the minutiae of life

Bassa Not really sure how relevant that is to this thread. I am a mum who has never actually been pregnant, yet still empathise with everything said in this thread.

Another thing I hated was - remind me of such and such - which I do then get told to remind him later and so on.

I tired asking him to put notes on boards, calendars write phone messages - so it wasn't one me to remember and it was always my fault if I forgot or he didn't do it.

What's stopped that one is Alexa - I set a reminder on Alexa - if I don't one of the children does - and it dealt with funnily enough most of the request have stopped though not may reminders are set via Alexa. As if me having find a way to effectively deal with this behaviour - the behaviour has now stopped of it's own accord.

But otoh, my DH deals with all mending/replacing of broken taps/washers etc. He deals with all car maintenance, all bills, all financial stuff so I don't ever have to worry about that. So I think it probably works out about even

If that's all he does - no, it really doesn't work out anywhere near even, not even if you also throw in grass cutting and bin taking out!

I'm a single parent, I do everything. DIY is not a regular task, and replacing washers/fuses does not take long at all. Bills and financial stuff mostly takes fare of itself except once a month checking the bank statement and looking for better deals. It's just 'extra' stuff I do on top of all the actual stuff.

It's funny that the jobs the men take on - the 'manly' jobs - are the ones that don't grind you down day after day!

It's deeply entrenched but I believe the only way to change things is more and more
Couples making a choice, right from the get-go, to avoid the mental load falling to one partner. So, before any children are born, it's about sharing domestic planning and responsibilities equably. It's about using that transferable parental leave - even if it means a bit more of a financial hit short term rather than the mother taking all the maternity leave- because in the longer term, everyone (and perhaps the children most of all) benefiting from seeing first hand that dads are as capable of childcare as mum. And it's about the woman not by default becoming the one to put her career on the back burner as the children grow up.

Change starts at an individual level. Disappointingly uptake of shared parental leave has been incredibly low.... the state can provide the legislation but people have to choose to make use of it ...

anonymice I agree about teaching our kids (especially daughters) and ourselves basic DIY skills. I was lucky, my dad (notice not my mum?) taught me a lot of stuff, but most of all I absorbed his attitude of giving it a go. I think fear of making mistakes holds up some women from taking on DIY. If there's something that needs doing, Youtube and Wikihow videos can get you a hell of a long way.

Bossadad (lovely username ) So a woman's brain changes for up to 2 years after a baby is born to help her empathise with the baby. Not sure how that is relevant to the discussion?

So, before any children are born, it's about sharing domestic planning and responsibilities equably.

Pre-children we did do that - even after marriage. he thought it mad IL expected me to do his family cards ect.

It's crept up over time with the children - suddenly I'm stood there listening to him saying he's helped me out by putting his clothes in the washing machine - not pegging them out or anything just putting his clothes in our washing machine and expecting a thank you .

That said, after I dumped my ex for many of the reasons listed above it was like a weight lifted.

It's much easier to do everything when you don't have to see the other adult human who lives in the house fannying around with games, TV, books and all the other things I didn't have much time to enjoy. Either that or he was under my feet requiring micro management for even the simplest task. All that resentment walked out of the front door when he did!

Ive made a conscious decision to dial it down. Dh has stepped up on the laundry so has taken responsibility for that. I do food related tasks. If he is at home one day I can say can you make the slowcooker recipe on p95 and he will. I dont think it helps that the council services (am abroad) have me as the main contact. So the dentist contacts me, so does the speech therapist etc ...

When I returned to work after 6 years at home I handed over the food shopping/cooking and laundry to DH. Took him time to get his head around it and doesn't cook as healthy as I would but I no longer have to give any of it any head space - it's bl**dy marvellous!

Only had one washing disaster with my dark green silk top but solved that by having a "specials" basket that he doesn't touch - mainly my work stuff tbh. With there being 6 of us he is definitely doing the lions share.

This is absolutely not as simple as 'relaxing and letting it go' because there is a quantum of domestic work here that HAS to be done for social reproduction to occur. Where that is unequally shared so that one party is having to work much harder than the other, that is unjust.

The answer is to demand that men step up, and to boycott all those who do not. Don't get into relationships with them, and if you are in one of those relationships, leave.

Moved in with DP six months ago and this has been an ongoing issue for us. Usually I just refuse to make the decision for him - if he's asking whether he should go to the shop and buy milk or not, I'll tell him it's up to him. Should he use frozen stir fry veg or go to the shop and buy fresh? Whatever is easier for him.

I sent him that Guardian article and he's now going the other way. Brought the laundry basket downstairs last night and my reaction was basically 'What are you doing?! That's my chore! Leave my chores alone!!'

Poor guy just can't catch a break... I actually do feel awful because he must feel like he can't do anything right by me.

Cindbelly, what would happen if you told him he had to give you a list two days in advance, or buy the food himself if he doesn't want to plan ahead? And just ignore his texts on the day?

Tried that before, a combination of today we should have pasta and tomorrow get a Chinese takeaway

Queue on the day, where's the pasta? 'Oh I didn't know if you wanted shells or twirly pasta so I didn't buy any' and then the next day, last minute, oh I didn't really fancy Chinese tonight so I thought I'd wait till you get home so we can choose something different.

Texts ignored end up resulting in the DC having sandwiches for dinner or occasionally if they complain he will find some fish fingers etc for them and then we eat later on when they're in bed and I've decided.
If I don't make a decision at that point he will just have a shower and watch tv till it gets too late and I make toast. for me I might add, at this point I've decided that he's actually made a decision not to eat

He does do his fair share at the 'mental load' and the majority of the 'wife work' but anything that requires a decision lately he just seems incapable!

I could understand if I was highly strung or controlling but I'm actually ridiculously laid back and not a 'foodie' at all, we all fuck up sometimes, I'd rather he made a decision and it went wrong then this constant seeking permission crap he seems to be doing lately.

Actually reading some of these examples has made me realise he's not that bad...

Its not just men, dh is pretty good but sil who has lived with us for 18 months now and has an 8 week old baby is bloody useless! For an intelligent career woman she is domestically hopeless and I have turned into her mother, thank fuck she moves to her own place next month I have grew plans of visiting and leaving stairgates open, cups on the floor I shall give the pfb play dough and sharpie markers....

Paffle

He deals with all car maintenance, all bills, all financial stuff so I don't ever have to worry about that.

Are you saying you don't know anything about your joint financial situation? That would seriously worry me tbh. Do you have your own bank account?

Me and DH are locked in this battle, both work full time, I do all the stuff for ds, book clubs, sort out cm, food shopping etc. I also pay all the bills and do washing etc, and my dh annoyingly doesn't drive, so have to do all the ferrying around to clubs, to the shop, etc. I am sick of it.

he moans that we live in his words a shit hole but as I repeatedly say to him, why is it up to me to clean and tidy? he is more often at home during the day without ds, so easier to tidy up and clean etc. that when I get home in evening with him or on weekends with him, yet it seems to fall to me to ensure it's tidy.

He is slowly getting better, and now does clean kitchen and hoover etc. and slowly getting to the point when he will put ds to bed some nights (usually solely me) I have also refused to do any of his washing, he has to do it himself and ds If there are bits in the basket.
but it's be a long struggle and frankly one I am sick of keep having.

I work from home, so had fallen into the trap of trying to do everything around my job, but I have started to consciously cut back on the obvious tasks, to give me headspace for the mental load tasks. DH is very willing and able to be helpful as long as he can 'see' what needs to be done e.g. a full laundry or ironing basket, clutter to clear away, etc. He doesn't see the party invitations, medical appointments, packing school bags etc, so I have taken to handling all that first and ignoring the rest. We both work until things are done, just on different types of tasks.

Not to be a dick, but it only happens if you allow it in the first place.
Dh and I are a team. We both think of and plan for things like gifts for MIL and grannies, planning holidays, answering invites, arranging plans and care, shopping and meal planning, etc.
To say society is to blame by conditioning us to do it all, absolves us from the responsibility to change it. We are society. We have to start change with ourselves and out homes.

This is my only significant beef with my DH as well. He is simply not a self-starter.

He does his fair share of "women's work" - puts on the laundry when he gets up in the AM, irons the school uniforms on a Sunday, does the afterschool club pickup and supper two nights/week, but ONLY does those routine tasks that he does because he always does them, IYSWIM. Anything requiring thought/initiative waits for me, sadly. He'll happily then do whatever it is, but not until I ask him. This makes me feel like his mum.

It affects him as well - he missed a party last week because he forgot to arrange childcare (his night). He hasn't rid his bike for ages because he keeps forgetting to get it fixed. Clearly, this I have no problem with.

But as others have mentioned, when stuff needs doing for the benefit of the DC then I'm not having them miss out just because he's a bit incompetent, and so the cycle is reinforced.

Gowgirl I"m not sure that the mental load is really about cleaning - the stuff you can see.

My DH is amazing at housework and child-related stuff. But it's me who remembers that passports need renewing, that on Thursday DD needs to take a purple shirt in, that car tax is due, that the spare bed needs a new mattress... and if I didn't do this, we would all be impacted in some way.

I have just circulated the article to everyone. Honestly didn't know there was a name for this and that I was just going mental. Actually, made to feel like I'm a loony by DP. Because I worried too much and stressed out too much and I'm always negative but thank fuck this is normal and now I have some form of literature to back up my "craziness"

BeachyKeen
Not to be a dick, but it only happens if you allow it in the first place.

That is a dick thing to say and its untrue. You cant make someone act like a decent person if they choose not to.

It's all very well saying don't allow it in the first place but the leaving the mental load to the female partner often doesn't happen until down the line when you have both invested in the relationship and the costs of walking away are too great

Those who are inclined to exploit a situation will always wait until a time when they are best able to get away with it

And of course these men don't think they are being exploitative, they regard it as natural that women take care of the domestic work so that men are free to go out and do important manly things

Not just cleaning thinking oh look we only have half a pint of milk, ill grab some while I'm out, or look its raining ill just grab all the washing in not just my babies which has been washed because i left it mulching by the machine! Or god forbid I live in a house with 2 toddlers as well as the pfb, I think I will shut the fucking stair gate!
Cleaning isn't a problem I'm a sahp/housewife anyway it gets done eventually...

But beachy that's absurdly unfair to make the man's behaviour the woman's fault! They're fucking adults who wear clothes and eat food and generate rubbish and dust and mess, why on earth should a woman have to stop them from never buying or cooking food or living in utter squalor??

Anyway most single adult males eat food and do laundry and even clean up occasionally, which suggests that once a female moves in it is a choice to stop doing these things and it's not good enough. My DH basically stopped doing housework when I moved in and I had to have a shitfit and remind him that one of the reasons I split up with my ex was her appalling slobbishness (female ex, though to be fair she was an utter slob when she lived alone too!) so he needn't think I was taking it from him. But I do do more now, there's a drip drip drip of responsibility. Maternity leave makes it all worse, because of course if I'm at home all day then I will do the laundry and feed the children and clean up after myself, but then when I'm back at work he's still subconsciously expecting me to carry on doing it all and Conversations will have to be had.