to resent the 'mental load'

[newnameoldme]

i just read the mental load and it gave a name to what i always feel and complain of.. why I and all the other women i know, even those with partners who take on their fair share of parenting voluntarily - we still bear the responsibility of this weight of constantly having to think about everything.
why is everything only our concerns? I resent it both because it's on my back and in my head every minute of the day whilst men are me are largely unfettered by this mental load. I resent that freedom they have!
It's isolating to bear the burden of all this stuff and the resentment overtime poisons relationships.
Do women naturally care more or do we have no choice as men opt out of being bothered by the minutiae of life

I think it's because it's just socially the norm. It's outdated- times have changed but this hasn't for some reason.

My parents seemed fairly equal in these things when I was growing up (both worked full time, shared household things equally etc.) but OH's family were very different. MIL did everything, she basically served her husband and children (still does when she can, and they're all grown up now!) and clearly believes that's the way things should be. I often get comments from her- why don't I make her son a cup of tea when he comes in from work? Don't you have dinner on the table for him? You really should make him a packed lunch each day. 🙄 He's perfectly capable of doing all these things himself and considering I've also been at work all day perhaps he should do all these things for me?!

I can definitely relate to this, and if I had my time again I would try to ensure these roles didn't become automatically fixed in my relationship. To be honest, I still have the better deal. I'd far rather do what I do (work part time in a non-stressful, flexible job), including the mental load, than do what dh does (very stressful job, lots of responsibility). He works much harder than I do. And he is not one of these 'can't work out how to work the washing machine' types' either.

What does piss me off is when I wonder what would happen if I did want to go back to work full time. I think it would be well-nigh impossible to re-distribute the home stuff and mental load, now that the lines have been drawn. It also depresses me sometimes that much of what I do is so 'invisible'. It is only noticed if it doesn't get done. Whereas the stuff he does at home tends to be noticeable stuff he chooses to do (diy projects, garden re-vamps, big weekend meals) and for which everyone heaps him with praise.

Did all this change when you moved in together/got married/had DCs

Worse every child and with time.

Think wider family and wider society haven't helped - acting like he's doing something amazing when changing nappy, doing a trip to park, taking them to an activity or party. School and outside groups acting surprised he's first contact - or just wanting to tell me things relating to children or acting surprised he goes instead of me to their things.

We started out both doing hoovering - I hoovered more as young crawling babies next thing you know I'm only one hoovering.

House a mess - other mothers, MIL comment to me as if I'm only one responsible for it.

Think washing had short stint as "my task" - children went though phase of just asking me - possible as DH finds it easier to ignore and gets out house earlier. MIL didn't help there either constantly on about my washing pile and drying. I've never had to pick up after him he gets it to the washing basket - and since pushing back he will put odd load on now.

This all has to be shared and communicated though. I cant help feel there is a high degree of martyrism and non-communication going on. Early in my relationship with DP we both ended up doing the Xmas food shopping as both assumed the other wasnt. But its now a joint thing. DP and I eat different things at different times. We have a shopping list that things get added to and if one person runs out of what they wanted, the other is not to blame. Neither of us would accept the blame.

DP has a different level of tidiness to me. Shared space is kept to an basic standard (one that one feels is perfectly ok and the other can live with - but both of us do more tidying gets done if someone is coming to visit) but own spaces are to our own standards.

I think one of the problems is having children and where men arent involved that much at the start (near 24 hr breast feeding for some reason and being told that they cant bath or change nappies to the standard required - there have been post on MN about all of these issues and complaining that men want to actually do more than be told to do the caring differently) so never learn from the very beginning that a child is a joint enterprise.

A second problem is that people get together or have kids not long after leaving home/uni/flatmates etc. DP and I lived by ourselves for years before we met so we both are self sufficient. There is no expectation of one doing things the other needs to do. Things just get done because they always have been.

The mental load can be shared. But its about learning as well as communication as well accepting some things will not be done to the standard that you want.

Scottishdiem makes some good points. To share the mental load means making a conscious effort not to be a control freak. Things may not be done in the precise way you'd do them yourself and that's okay.
It's about conscious effort on all fronts because it's challenging what's been accepted as the social norm for so long.

I also think it requires the degree of honesty that Eolian shows in her post:

"I still have the better deal. I'd far rather do what I do (work part time in a non-stressful, flexible job), including the mental load, than do what dh does (very stressful job, lots of responsibility). He works much harder"

TBH if one partner is happy to take less pressure in their work life, surely it's reasonable to take on more of the mental load? E.g. If a family with school age kids have one parent working part time, they have more head space to be able to plan and organise as well as to physically carry out more tasks. It cuts both ways doesn't it? i would certainly feel it was only fair to do more of the mental load if I worked only part time.

Overall, as an over-50 I find this thread a bit depressing.... I would honestly have thought the balance has shifted further than it has over the last 20 years. On a personal level, dh and I took on a pretty equal mental load as well as actual tasks in the pre children years. When dc1 came along we made a big effort to share as much as possible - and this was back in the day before paternity leave existed so it felt like swimming against the tide even more than is the case now.

YANBU one of the reasons I left my husband was his lack of help around the house. Even though I worked full time I still did 90% of the chores. If he did do any chores I had to "thank him" for doing it!!

I think that if we hadn't decided that I would go part time after maternity leave, we would have been pretty equal with chores and mental load tbh. But dh, having been junior to me when we met (same job as me), got promoted and promoted. So it made sense for me to remain part time and do home stuff. Yes, I should have had my eyes a bit more open when I decided to go part time, but tbh I'm not sure I would have decided differently. I just might have tried a bit harder to make him aware of exactly what I was taking on, and what he was therefore not taking on.

When our DC came along, it was very clear that what came naturally to me, simply didn't to DH. Of course he would do something for the baby if I asked him, but he lacked the instinct to anticipate their needs and deal with it day-to-day as I did. I don't mean to sound like a martyr, but for us, that was the truth of the matter.

As time went on, we each played to our strengths. His instinct was to provide financially for the family - he is an entrepreneur and very successful in this area, whereas I just don't have that kind of drive or mentality. Everything related to the DC came very naturally to me and I could cope with the mental load of the DC and the home because I never had the additional mental load of worrying about a job or where money was coming from. It might sound 1950s, but DH and I rarely bicker about money or housework and we do have a balance. I couldn't cope with his mental load and I doubt he could cope with mine, so it works for us.

Lu1a - I appreciate what you're saying but what I've observed in myself and many other new families is that this isn't 'instinctive' to mums either. In the vast majority of families the mother is with the new baby pretty much 24/7 in the early days. It is then that we learn how to anticipate their needs and 'manage' that aspect of domesticity. Men are either happy to let this happen or feel (in some cases) squeezed out and not trusted with their own child.

When my DD was little and DH wanted to spend time with her and give me a break I let him get on with it. He cocked up what he needed in the changing bag the first time he went out with her and had to buy wipes and a new t-shirt after she threw up and he didn't have a change of clothes. He got it right the next time and also felt more confident in his own abilities and his relationship with DD.

It is hard because these roles get established when the children are very little (saying nothing of socially conditioned roles in childless relationships), and it's hard, but not impossible to tip the balance the other way - IF you both want to.

lets be clear that when we talk about instinct we are not talking about something inborn and inevitable, we are still talking about learned culturally transmitted behaviour.
It feels instinctive or 'natural' because it is deeply entrenched and part of a fundamental belief system about how men and women behave, it happens automatically because we have internalized it and we dont have to think about it

Imogen - I used to have the baby in the moses basket next to the bed so it was easier to BF in the night. I would say I barely slept in the intervals in between feeds or the first 7 months with any of our DC, I used to just doze instead, constantly aware of their breathing and temperature and so on. It was like being on sensory high alert or something. I went with the baby's sleep pattern - I adapted to dozing when I could and it was some kind of adrenaline that kept me going, I think. DH would just never have been like that, even if left to it. He used to just sleep through the night next to me in the bed and it would take the baby screaming to disturb him. Again, I don't want to sound like a martyr, but that was my experience. We had 3 DC and it was the same every time.

I make sure I never thank my dh for stuff like the odd bit of washing up. He never thanks me for doing all the childcare, the washing and ironing etc. It feels to me sometimes that a lot of men just care less. I don't do anything for dh's family as I do mine and think why should I do his? He's in a responsible job he can send the odd card or two. Two of our kids have Sen (the youngest very severely) and I carry all that. I go to their appointments, do their therapy etc. It. It bugs me he doesn't think to change a bed or clean the bathroom now and again. He's done the bathroom twice in ten odd years 😮

Fab link, I have just read it and cried. I have been saying all of this to my husband for years and have been made to feel grateful when he helps out.

I have had no help at all this week with the two kids who are off school despite asking for it. I have given up! I should feel lucky because he did finish at 2.15 "as it is half term" gee thanks I never noticed!!!!

I am just going to print it off and shove it in front of him. He still will not get it but it has made me feel sane!

But peace ...

we are not talking about something inborn and inevitable, we are still talking about learned culturally transmitted behaviour.

... WHY is it culturally transmitted behaviour?
Is it because of how we (females) are programmed to bear children, recover from birth, breastfeed (up to 4 years in hunter gatherer times)? Isn't this what we are supposed to do?
And then we become the default parent.
I hate it too and I come from the position where I am the main breadwinner in a very equal household - shared maternity leave and everything. Yet I felt a terrible wrench separating myself from my babies to go back to work, and I know my husband didn't.
I also know a lot of people who were horrified at the notion of shared leave - plenty of mums said "don't tell my husband what you're doing - he's not getting any of MY maternity leave" ...
Just wondering if nature as well as society is to blame. Surely women don't just sleepwalk into what society expects? I didn't, though I had to force a "head over heart (or hormones!?!)" decision to pursue my full time career.

I can only speak for myself, but I felt as if my brain changed after a baby - as I said, it was like being in a permanent state of heightened alert. I would describe it as a symbiosis. It wasn't something I could switch off. DH was just never in the same zone.

OMG he has just read the article and five minutes later come down stairs to ask me what bedding to put on the bed. It was worth the five minutes he took to read it wasn't it!

Just told DH to heat up his dinner in the saucepan. "How long will it take to heat up?"

Ffs, he's a 36 year old senior professional!!

Flickety - ah, but if he had read the article properly he wouldn't have to ask you which kind of bedding to use .

It's highly likely pregnancy causes brains to change. But what did my pregnancy do to DH's brain that means he has abdicated responsibility for things like council tax payment, or means he's unable to call round a few builders for quotes to fix the roof?

All depressingly familiar. DH has got better but still very unequal.

We lived together as students (from third year) and got married literally in college, so neither of us has ever lived alone. That means I've never paid a utility bill, arranged home insurance, submitted a meter reading, mowed the lawn, configured a router, cut the hedge, changed the oil, etc, and he's never cleaned a bathroom, ironed a basket of washing, arranged a child's birthday party, called a plumber, cooked Christmas dinner, etc.

I wouldn't like to have to take on even a share of the financial management as I have a serious blind spot when it comes to money matters. I have no idea how often a gas bill needs paying or whether it's £50 or £500.

DH organised our holiday completely solo last year. The parts I usually do were horrendous: imagine a four-hour cross-country railway journey without booking seats. Thank fuck I packed ... This year I was happy for him to make all the location/accommodation decisions but referred back to last year's experience regarding logistics.

I remember my best friend's mother saying she'd cook anything for dinner so long as someone else chose it. At the time we laughed and eye rolled; now we each have a husband and three sons and we get it. The decision making is the worst part of it.

But what did my pregnancy do to DH's brain that means he has abdicated responsibility for things like council tax payment, or means he's unable to call round a few builders for quotes to fix the roof?

^ this this this exactly.

I haven't read the whole thread as yet (this is one of my favourite moans at the moment), but I got an echo dot recently and it's excellent as DH and DC tell it things to add to the shopping list when they run out rather than expecting me to magically know. Apparently you can set up all sorts of lists...

Not quite on topic, but is definitely saving my sanity!