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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mortified, or am I overreacting?

228 replies

mynotsoperfectlife · 01/06/2017 21:53

We are on holiday at the moment, and when chatting to another family at the cottage we are staying at, DH announces that the children 'weren't planned.'

We've had a bit of a row about it. He says I'm being ridiculous and over reacting. I'm sitting upstairs avoiding him. Am I?

OP posts:
BluePeppers · 02/06/2017 08:17

Also if the fact the pregnancy was unplanned has no bearing on how much you love your dcs, how wanted they were etc... why would you want to advertise that? Surely if it doesn't make a difference, you don't need to mention it?
And even less within a conversation about how young your dw looks....

Mummmy2017 · 02/06/2017 08:19

Mynotsoperfectlife we all KNOW you had sex, you have the proof walking around on 2 legs.

Your over thinking this and having it here is only making you more worked it, you have to find the humor in this or your going to say something you regret to your other half...

The time to say something was 2 seconds after the words left his mouth, in the words of frozen.. "let it go"

Ecureuil · 02/06/2017 08:22

But but but... why would it make you a nymphomaniac?! You only have to have sex once to make a baby...

scottishdiem · 02/06/2017 08:28

Nymphomaniac?!?!?!

Ummmmm.

What?

Ummmmmmmmm.

Nope. Dont understand that link.

Original poster
mynotsoperfectlife · 02/06/2017 08:48

Yeah, I know Mmummy, obviously we don't want to upset poor, poor DH, do we?

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 02/06/2017 08:50

No need to be rude to other posters.

Have you apologised to your husband?

SoupDragon · 02/06/2017 08:51

I imagine the "nymphomaniac" comment is because she thinks it looks like she turned into a sex crazed woman with no consideration for contraception.

It may not be what you would feel or think but it is how she feels.

It all depends on your personality really, I wojld feel unhappy about it whilst also being able to see it was an unwarranted reaction.

Original poster
mynotsoperfectlife · 02/06/2017 08:53

Yes I am lucky really to have a husband at all

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 02/06/2017 08:54

Grow up OP you are being very childish.

Mummmy2017 · 02/06/2017 09:01

This is about you blowing this up to such a big deal...
Unless you said something there and then WHICH you should have the moment has passed.

Now this is about you overthinking this to such an extent that instead of him saying a baby was not planned in your head he is saying
"OMG my sex mad wife did it on purpose, TWICE" and if you have said you look younger than you are so YOU feel like a Gymslip mum.. Have you noticed yet this is all about how you feel, how your upset, how your offended people think your not pure...

So go on and have a row with him, and who will this benefit, no one, because he still said it and now your both not talking and will shout and have a bad weekend, Pull on your big girl pants and should he EVER do this again THEN you can tell him off,,

Original poster
mynotsoperfectlife · 02/06/2017 09:03

But it's not Mmummy

We had a bit of a row, I moaned on here, YOU have decided I'm hurling myself around "making it a big deal" which ironically, is you making it a bigger deal than it actually was. Actually, it was DH who got angry when I tried to talk to him about it. At any rate, I'd actually prefer it if we could leave it now.

OP posts:
BluePeppers · 02/06/2017 09:04

Funny how on most threads on MN people are told that you cant ask someone to fel a certain way because its just how they feel.

But somehow on this thread, everyine seems to think its ok to tell the OP she cant feel hurt by the comment or be mortified. In her case, neither of those feelings are acceptable Hmm

livefornaps · 02/06/2017 09:10

I understand, OP.

Maybe your phrasing was a little clumsy re. nymphomaniac but I think posters who are just taking the piss out of that and making out like you're a massive prude are missing the point.

You had just received a compliment (you look young) that frankly already came with a bit of judgement value (to have kids)...I think the problem started there. These strangers were digging, and your husband's reply played straight into their hands. This is nothing to do with the "unplanned but wanted" argument. Let's face it, the age that women decide (or not) to have kids is an absolute bloody minefield, in the way it never is for men. That's probably why your husband failed to see that - but regardless he should have scooped you out of those waters and brought you to dry land by simply saying "yes, she's beautiful". Leave the kids out of it!!! I entirely see why you thought this wasn't appropriate info to be shared as with a comment like that , those strangers were in some way "sizing you up". I get it. Women are put through so much scrutiny in that way.

QueenOfRubovia · 02/06/2017 09:14

"she didn't plan it"

It put it all on me

Hmm. Well that wasn't clear in the OP.
That would be mildly irritating.
I'd have been tempted to say something like
'How do you know? You weren't there'

Oh yes I would.

roundaboutthetown · 02/06/2017 09:14

livefornaps - you're barking up the wrong tree, there - OP has already said she had no problem whatsoever with being told she looked too young to have had her oldest child. She thought that was flattering!!

Original poster
mynotsoperfectlife · 02/06/2017 09:17

Well, at any rate, I was annoyed with DH and somehow that's turned him into the poor innocent victim and me charging around the Lake District ranting and raging so on that note Smile

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 02/06/2017 09:25

There's a difference between "they weren't planned" (which is what you said several times last night) and "she didn't plan them".
The second one would annoy me as well. Not because of morals or sex life or whatever,but because you haven't made those babies magically by yourself.

Original poster
mynotsoperfectlife · 02/06/2017 09:27

Well all the comment were aimed at me Rebel and I think I did make that clear actually.

Me who (apparently) doesn't look old enough to have a ten year old (DH does but he's older than me anyway) and me who didn't plan them. Anyway, no worries.

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 09:29

Actually, it was DH who got angry when I tried to talk to him about it.

He should think about how he reacts to you expressing your feelings. You're perfectly entitled not to want this mentioned to other people if it makes you uncomfortable so he should have been more understanding even if he felt there's nothing wrong with it. To get angry when you explained how you feel isn't acceptable.

I also agree with RebelRogue - him saying "she didn't plan them" comes across somewhat differently to "they weren't planned" and I can see why you'd not be too happy with it.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 02/06/2017 09:30

Haha!! Yeah overreacting!! Most people I know's children were were relatively unplanned! Why do you care? Those people won't care or even think about it. Can't believe you are running a day on holiday becUse of your DH stating an unimportant fact to a couple of strangers.

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 09:32

The OP's husband announced "she didn't plan them" as if he'd played no part in the children, she then later on had a quiet word with him upstairs and he "got angry". Sounds like it's him ruining the holiday.

roundaboutthetown · 02/06/2017 09:34

Now that's seriously sinister - you have clearly been taken advantage of by a controlling older man who planned your pregnancies for you, because you were too young to understand what was going on. And he has proudly admitted that fact to the people renting next door, who will have taken everything very literally.

Original poster
mynotsoperfectlife · 02/06/2017 09:35

What round Hmm Smile Don't take the piss. Leave it now. I'm not very well today.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 02/06/2017 09:39

So did he say they weren't planned or "oh,she didn't plan them"?

Sorry you're not feeling well x

roundaboutthetown · 02/06/2017 09:40

Sorry, mynotsoperfectlife. I hope you feel better, soon. Please don't think the neighbours will have taken what your dh said seriously, though - it didn't reflect badly on you at all, it was just a silly comment he made.