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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mortified, or am I overreacting?

228 replies

mynotsoperfectlife · 01/06/2017 21:53

We are on holiday at the moment, and when chatting to another family at the cottage we are staying at, DH announces that the children 'weren't planned.'

We've had a bit of a row about it. He says I'm being ridiculous and over reacting. I'm sitting upstairs avoiding him. Am I?

OP posts:
YouWhatMate · 02/06/2017 00:37

You're not overreacting at all. Your dh saying your children weren't planned hearkens back to the phrase "unplanned pregnancy" which has connotations of unwed, pregnant, naive, flighty, and assumed-to-be-promiscuous teenagers, as untrue as that may be in actual fact

Ooooooor it means " the pregnancies were not planned".

Hmm
LittleBeautyBelle · 02/06/2017 00:42

Rebel I don't care if those people do or not. This is about how OP feels about it. It's not going to hurt you or those other people or OP's dh for dh to correct what he said. What he said made Op feel weird, especially as this other family do not know op well and that phrase does not accurately describe Op's situation anyway. I can understand that even though I'm not her. The truth is that phrase has connotations and that is a fact.

It's ok that it doesn't bother you. It bothers Op. It's her husband. I personally think if she wants him to correct it, in a subtle, light way, then he should do it.

RebelRogue · 02/06/2017 00:58

And how exactly do you subtly correct that?
Hey mate just so you know,my wife is not a nympho,we only have vanilla sex with the lights turned off. She has morals you know,she volunteers at the local church.

Or backtrack that they were unplanned? Nope totally planned..it was scheduled in the diary.

Bringing it up subtly or not,will make it an issue. Right now it's forgotten about.

PigletJohn · 02/06/2017 01:10

My sister and I were both born in late September.

I always tell people this is because our mother used to get drunk at Christmas parties.

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 01:12

I personally think if she wants him to correct it, in a subtle, light way, then he should do it.

Can you give an example of how he should do this?

LittleBeautyBelle · 02/06/2017 01:17

Rebel just as it requires imagination to empathize with another person's experience or feelings, with a little imagination dh, or you or I, can easily come up with a subtle correction with no taxing of the brain. "We were only married a couple of years before our oldest came along." Something like that, within an appropriate context and flow of conversation that commonly center around family as this is two families vacationing together.

I think maybe you are making this a bigger deal than the OP. It's not going to affect your life in any way if Op's dh corrects what he said. But it will make Op feel better and it will correct misperceptions if any and it will take two seconds. Nothing wrong with that.

YouWhatMate · 02/06/2017 01:18

Hey neighbour! Remember last night when I joked about our kids being unplanned? No? Come on, you said my wife looked too young to have children, and I said that that's because they weren't planned, remember? Okay, well I did say it, trust me. Well anyway, just wanted to let you know that they were totally planned. 100%. I was only joking about yesterday when I said it - there was no truth in it at all.

RebelRogue · 02/06/2017 01:23

OP is worried they think she's a nympho. How would being married a couple of years change that "perception"(that no one actually has but hey ho).

How does being married change unplanned kids anyways?

LittleBeautyBelle · 02/06/2017 01:25

Lol YouWhat good one Smile haha!

LittleBeautyBelle · 02/06/2017 01:26

Rebel why do you care so much? I hope you're not going to lose sleep over this tonight.

RoseTico · 02/06/2017 01:26

Try being me. My DMs standard kids line is "We have three. The first one was a mistake." The first one was me... She genuinely doesn't understand why I don't like her saying it, because I was a mistake!

LittleBeautyBelle · 02/06/2017 01:31

Oh my Rose ! How thick headed. Sorry she does that. Obviously you're not a mistake. We need to help you come up with a good witty response the next time she does this.

LittleBeautyBelle · 02/06/2017 01:34

I bet YouWhat could come up with a nice line!

kali110 · 02/06/2017 02:05

Op the fact you've had kids, people are going to know you've had sex Hmm
Massive overeaction and massive overeaction on here Confused

kali110 · 02/06/2017 02:08

personally think if she wants him to correct it, in a subtle, light way, then he should do it.
How exactly is he going to do that?
Say 'well i've talked it over with my wife and decided that they weren't accidents, they were planned. I was wrong'.
Because that won't make things odd in the slightest Confused
This couple aren't going to remember this conversation.
You start backtracking and they will.

LittleBeautyBelle · 02/06/2017 02:58

Kali I gave an example upthread. I addressed your concerns already. It's not that complicated. There's no backtracking or heavy "retraction" necessary.

It sounds like some here are taking Op's post personally as if their own sex lives are being judged. Please don't lose sleep over this, I'm sure Op's dh can handle it and you all can go back to cracking sardonic jokes of how your children were conceived without thought or maternal yearning as a noble middle finger to the poor op who committed the sin of not wanting to look immoral. How dare she! Haha!!!

sykadelic · 02/06/2017 03:19

Unlike (it seems) the other posters, I do see where you're coming from. I wouldn't be sulking upstairs (as if they dismissed the comment you're adding more weight to his comment by sulking) but i would also have said something to DH about how it's no-one's bloody business whether the children were planned or no (or how old you were when you had them, unless you chose to give that information).

Honestly though, what would bother me more is his need to tell someone the children weren't planned in the face of you being complimented, like he needed to clarify a photo was edited, or taken with special lighting or a special lens.

I think what might be missing from this post is your age as the only time it would give me pause for thought is if you REALLY looked young and your child was obviously past a certain age and I would wonder how old you were when you started having sex (not judging, just wondering). A friend of mine was only early 30's when she became a Grandmother. I did the math and couldn't figure it out (turns out she got pregnant at 14, I'd never know before then).

Take comfort in the thought that these people are strangers and you need not ever see them again.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/06/2017 03:27

Yes YABU to be mortified.
Yes you are over-reacting - but only a bit.
I wouldn't be happy if DH said something like that about ours (he couldn't, they were both very much tried-for babies anyway) but I wouldn't be mortified - if anything, I'd think it reflected badly on him that he thought that way, as if he wasn't "ready" to be a father.

But you know, you just need to tell your DH that you feel as though he's discussed your sex life in public (even though I don't agree, that IS how you feel) and you'd rather he didn't do it again or you might feel the need to mention his masturbation habits in public - or something like that.

steff13 · 02/06/2017 03:36

If saying one of your children was unplanned is an allusion to your sex life, then certainly the fact that you are married and have children are also allusions to your sex life.

WellThatSucks · 02/06/2017 03:37

I've been reading this thread with a puzzled frown waiting for the penny to drop because I was honestly baffled as to why DH was so wrong to say what he did then I got as far as don't want people to think I'm a nymphomaniac and burst out laughing because it was just so unexpected and ridiculous. I'm sorry OP, I'm really sorry you're feeling so upset about this but yes, you are overreacting, it's ridiculous it really is.
As for ' looking immoral' LittleBeautyBell not sure which century your time machine brought you forward from but here in the 21st, having sex for recreation rather than procreation is one of the things we try to no longer judge people on.

kali110 · 02/06/2017 03:38

LittleBeautyBelle
I won't lose any sleep over it and i certainly don't feel my sex life judged, how odd Confused

your reply wasn't there when i posted, but even now it wouldn't make much sense now the dh has said they were unplanned.
He can't suddenly now say ' oh well actually we were only married...'
This couple aren't going to remember this conversation in the morning! You suddenly start trying to change facts they will.

FlossyMooToo · 02/06/2017 03:38

You have lost the plot a bit OP. You have children its pretty clear you have had sex.

You sound like hard work and are ruining the holiday. Your poor family.

steff13 · 02/06/2017 03:38

Oh, and I have three kids, and 2/3 of them were unplanned.

Bue · 02/06/2017 03:42

This is bizarre Confused

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 04:34

"We were only married a couple of years before our oldest came along."

This says nothing about whether the children were planned or not. How is that supposed to address the OP's concerns?

This thread is very weird.

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