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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do about mum refusing to call my son by his name?

145 replies

shinyredbus · 01/06/2017 11:44

I see my mum in about 5 weeks - she does'nt like my sons first name and loves his middle name (after my grandfather - and this was forced onto me by massive guilt-tripping). These days, she only calls him by his middle name.

Ive told her so many times to stop - she just won't listen. My husband is now insisting he calls my mum by her middle name because he's annoyed, he didn't really want my grandad's name as a middle name in the first place, I'm just really weak when it comes to my mum and agree for a simpler life.

How should I approach my mum to try and help make force her stop using his middle name as his first name - we love his first name!

OP posts:

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 01/06/2017 11:46

I think your husband has the right idea. And i would address her by her first name not mum. When she asks why, respond I thought we can call people by their other names.

ohfourfoxache · 01/06/2017 11:51

I'm with Kung on this one.

Your mother is being pathetic

Shoxfordian · 01/06/2017 11:52

Yeah you need to stop her doing this

Don't take your son to see her until she calls him by his first name

Pinkheart5917 · 01/06/2017 11:55

I'm with your dh!

Everything she says his name wrong you say in a firm voice "Now you know his name is X" every single time

She's his grandmother, not this mother and has no say what the child is called. Most grandparents are so happy to have a new family member to love and I find this behaviour quite weird tbh.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/06/2017 11:56

I'd warn her once, then walk out/hang up. She's being very rude, you need to be direct on this.

Applesandpears23 · 01/06/2017 11:58

How old is your son? I liked the suggestion on a previous thread to tell the child in front of the grandparent that the GP is senile and can't remember their name.

FadedRed · 01/06/2017 11:59

and agree for a simpler life But 'agreeing' doesn't give you an easier life, does it? It leads to you being guilted into doing what you don't want to, expected to put up with your other over ruling your choices and leads to some degree of difficulty with your husband.
Big girl pants on, OP!
"Mother, your grandson's name is XXXX. Stop calling him YYYY. You need to respect my and DH's decision on this if you want us to --come anywhere near you in future- maintain a good relationship with us all.

sweetbitter · 01/06/2017 12:00

All or nothing, either you just let it go (but your DH bit on board so not really an option) or you tell her straight that she's being rude and every single time she uses the wrong name you correct her and if she keeps doing it you take your son away from her.

Mumoftu · 01/06/2017 12:01

Every time she does it I would suddenly have to leave until she gets the message.

FadedRed · 01/06/2017 12:01

other = mother
Strikeout fail!

RuggerHug · 01/06/2017 12:01

Another one saying call her something different every time she says the middle name.

JamesDelaneysHat · 01/06/2017 12:01

Something is telling me this is the tip of the iceberg with her behaviour?

Iris65 · 01/06/2017 12:02

I would tell her that until she calls your son by his name she will not see him. She is being disrespectful to you regarding your son and how he is raised.
Calling a child by two different names is confusing and may be upsetting for the child. Your job is to protect him.

dingodon · 01/06/2017 12:02

Your first mistake was allowing her to guilt trip you with the name in the first place. So she walked you to the registrar and made you do it?! Did your husband have any choice in the name as it's his child too! If it's a new baby go and change the name otherwise do what others have suggested and walk out.

Iris65 · 01/06/2017 12:03

And it is not giving you an easier life by giving in. It is causing stress and conflict with your husband.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/06/2017 12:05

If she does it then refer to her in front of her and your DS as 'Mrs (Surname)' not Granny or Grandma or whatever she wanted him to call her.
It's formal and not incorrect after all.

Sandsnake · 01/06/2017 12:08

I'm another one with your DH, you need to nip this in the bud now as it will help set up your boundaries for the years to come. If your son is under a year then - given that neither you or your DH sound particularly keen on the middle name - I would consider threatening to remove the middle name if she doesn't listen to your requests to call your DS by his first name. Something like 'We gave DS middle name as it was so important to you. It is important to us that you use first name as this is what he is called. If you continue to refuse to respect this then we will have no choice but to change his middle name to something that DH and I both like.'

BewareOfDragons · 01/06/2017 12:09

For fuck's sake.

Tell her to stop.it.now.

Tell her you will legally change it to the middle name you originally wanted if it doesn't stop immediately. And she won't be allowed to spend time alone with him since she clearly can't respect you as his parents.

She had her chance to name children. She has no right to call your son anything but the name you have chosen. None.

sticklebrix · 01/06/2017 12:10

Yes, I think you need to be really firm here. Call her (don't message or text), and calmly explain that she absolutely must call DS by his correct name and that you will immediately leave with no further comment every time she doesn't. If she comes to stay with you, remove DS and stay out of the house with him until bedtime every time she does it.

I'm just really weak when it comes to my mum and agree for a simpler life.
I sympathise. But there are plenty of threads on MN about sons not standing up to MILs. In your case, I think that you absolutely must stand up to your mum. She is blurring all kinds of healthy boundaries about who is responsible for your DS and showing that she doesn't respect your role as parents.

ClopySow · 01/06/2017 12:10

Start calling her by his middle name. That'll confuse her.

Motoko · 01/06/2017 12:11

Tell her she won't see her grandson if she refuses to call him by his correct name.

You need to start standing up to her, otherwise your DH will be told he doesn't have a MIL problem, he has a wife problem, because his wife cares more about the fallout with her mum than she does about her husband's feelings.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 01/06/2017 12:13

Don't go.

Tell her why.

And change the guilt trip middle name.

LurkingHusband · 01/06/2017 12:13

And it is not giving you an easier life by giving in. It is causing stress and conflict with your husband.

Which may be the real reason why she does it ?

SaS2014 · 01/06/2017 12:13

When we were looking to name our DD the name we chose was not liked at all by my Dsis. She said no way she'd call her x she'd call her y instead. I refused to discuss and and simply said you will call her what we have chosen or you won't see her. And she knew I was deadly serious. She got the point very quickly and saw sense!
Do not let it go on. Before she even arrives talk to her and say if you even once call MY son y instead if his name x then you will not be welcome in our house or our lives!
Good luck

OnTheRise · 01/06/2017 12:14

I agree with Motoko. If she can't call your son by his proper name, stop seeing her until she learns how to.

If you don't sort this out quickly she'll steamroller you about everything.

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