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Original poster

What to do about mum refusing to call my son by his name?

145 replies

shinyredbus · 01/06/2017 11:44

I see my mum in about 5 weeks - she does'nt like my sons first name and loves his middle name (after my grandfather - and this was forced onto me by massive guilt-tripping). These days, she only calls him by his middle name.

Ive told her so many times to stop - she just won't listen. My husband is now insisting he calls my mum by her middle name because he's annoyed, he didn't really want my grandad's name as a middle name in the first place, I'm just really weak when it comes to my mum and agree for a simpler life.

How should I approach my mum to try and help make force her stop using his middle name as his first name - we love his first name! Sad

OP posts:
AlexRose5 · 02/06/2017 18:32

Peanutbutterjellytimefortea....
I think you're missing the point.
"A pet name" is something people find cute and endearing .
The op clearly says sgevand her husband are uncomfortable with the gran objecting to use the child's first name .
Its not cute .
It's controlling and disrespectful .

yakattack · 02/06/2017 18:34

Tell her you will legally change it to the middle name you originally wanted if it doesn't stop immediately.

⬆️⬆️ this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/06/2017 18:36

"I'm just really weak when it comes to my mum and agree for a simpler life."
Right, so now you know that by giving, you teach your bully that bullying works, therefore, they bully more. So, lesson learned, never give in to her again, and tell her why. (No mum, I am not doing x, because if I do you'll only push for y. Remember the fiasco you caused over my son's name? I am not having any of that again, so no. And don't ask again.)

And for good measure, consider having a 'penalty' for bad behaviour. Because if there's no penalty, there's no disincentive. So, for example, if she keeps pushing you say 'It's not up for discussion, and if you're going to harp on about it, I can't take Facetime-ing you more than once a week'. (which is less than your current every-other-day). And stick to it. When she doesn't harp on about it on the next Facetime, 'reward' the behaviour with 'shall I Facetime you?' Pathetic to have to train her like a toddler, but better than being constantly bullied.

And stop feeling guilty for having moved away. You've given her a stick to beat you with, and she's using it! Take the stick away from her. Stop feeling guilty for doing nothing wrong at all.

winefixeswhine · 02/06/2017 18:37

You can change a baby's name up to one year old very easily. I would tell her, and mean it, that if she calls him by the middle name again you will remove the middle name officially.

Shockers · 02/06/2017 18:46

Does your mum have a middle name? Refer to her as silly Granny 'Middlename' every time she says the wrong name.

Or tell her it's too confusing for your son, so until she agrees to use his actual name, she won't be seeing him.

FrizzyMcFrizzface · 02/06/2017 19:27

It's difficult OP, I sympathise. My mum is the world's worst guilt tripper. But she is my only mum, and if I push her away I'm scared she will never come back. So I get your position. I do think you need to stand up to her though, wish I had the courage.

Mummmy2017 · 02/06/2017 19:38

Tell your mum you kindly gave him the name she wanted so it would be there as a reminder, but if she calls him it one more time you will go back to registry office and REMOVE IT>>> On Monday

EllaElla · 02/06/2017 19:48

We had this happen, extremely similar situation. My parents 'hated' her name and wanted to choose a derivative which was 'special to them that only they would call her' (that was their negotiation) Hmm. We made our point very clear as a united front and just went semi NC when they just started calling her 'the baby'. It took time, and it was painful but they realised if they wanted a relationship they'd have to put up with our 'silly demands' on her name. Many years later they happily call her her proper name as they realised when she was small but responsive to her name she doesn't know who they are addressing when they tried to call her something else. They got used to it and no issue here now! Smile

metspengler · 02/06/2017 19:54

Keep the child's name as it is and woman up when you speak to your mum.

It's completely understandable that she adores the name and wants to use it because of its significance but it isn't your child's name. She should call him by his name because it's his name, and you can do pet names later maybe. It's horrible to rename someone else's child or make a child unsure what their name is. If it continues after you have dealt with the matter verbally, each time she does it leave her company without drama or delay.

MollyHuaCha · 02/06/2017 20:03

My DF (in his late 80s) is known to some by his first name and to others by his middle name. It works well for him!

Lovingit81 · 02/06/2017 20:04

Your mum sounds horrible sorry OP Flowers tell her what your child's name is and that she's not seeing him/her until she can get their name right. Do it for your child! Best of luck x

Jedimum1 · 02/06/2017 20:17

... is there a chance you could change your DS's name since you don't like it and get him another middle name?...

Otherwise, your DH solution is good

Saz41 · 02/06/2017 20:46

The OP was supposed to be ringing her mother yesterday but hasn't come back to say what happened.

purplebunny2012 · 02/06/2017 20:59

Your mother is being completely disrespectful to you and your son. Every time she says middle name, interrupt er with his first name. She'll soon get fed up

Marymoosmum14 · 02/06/2017 21:54

Change his middle name to what ever you and your husband wanted it to be in the first place. You did it for her and she is abusing it. I have a terrible feeling we are going to have this problem with my Dad.

cherish123 · 02/06/2017 22:09

Your DH is great! Ignore her when she refers to by middle name. Explain and keep explaining that this is unacceptable, especially as he is young and it might confuse him.

pollymere · 02/06/2017 22:27

He'll get really confused as to why crazy Grandma doesn't use the same name as everyone else. Does she want to be thought like that? My dd formed her opinion of my PIL by herself at around three!

youarenotkiddingme · 02/06/2017 22:40

Keep calling her Betty or Fred until she gets the message.

Roversandrhodes · 02/06/2017 23:16

She sounds like a controlling cow and is treating you like a child and with no respect .Your oh has the right idea ,I appreciate the situation is awkward but I really wouldn't let her get away with it

Reebs123 · 03/06/2017 00:01

I had this. I wanted to name my DD1 nameX but my mum didn't want it so I named her Y. Then My in-laws didn't like it & started calling her Z. I went ballistic. She was my daughter, they had their chAnce to name their own kids & other grandkids. When I was expecting DD2 hub Wudnt pick out a name so DD1 & I had a few favourites we got used to but when baby came along hubs family finally got their chance to name the baby. Took me ages to get used to it & still now after 18m still doesn't come easily to me at times Angry

DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 03/06/2017 00:05

reebs why did you let them?!

I was going go say my parents changed my sister's name as 11 months as the had a change of heart about it. Doesn't have to go on any forms if donecessary under 1 year old.

DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 03/06/2017 00:06

*done. No idea why my phone added a necessary on the end :/

rizlett · 03/06/2017 06:45

Anyone can change their name free of charge at any point - even for children (and not just in the first 12 months) as long as you have consent from anyone with parental responsibility for the child.

Neelie31 · 03/06/2017 07:29

I totally agree that you have chosen your sons name and she should use that name, however there does seem to be a trend among previous generations to use middle names. Both my sisters and my mum went/ go by their middle names. I never understood it but felt left out somehow! Weird I know!!

Isadora2007 · 03/06/2017 07:39

Could you allow your mum to call him X Y as in his first and middle names?
Our gran often did that with my ds whose middle name was her late husbands.

And I'm a bit Hmm about you saying you don't like the name but were close to your grandad. Surely it's not just for your mum that you chose that name? Poor teen dd has a very old fashioned middle name as it was her late grandmothers name. But exH was so so close to her that I didn't care it wasn't a name I like(d) as it is the sentiment that means a lot.

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