What to do about mum refusing to call my son by his name?

[shinyredbus]

I see my mum in about 5 weeks - she does'nt like my sons first name and loves his middle name (after my grandfather - and this was forced onto me by massive guilt-tripping). These days, she only calls him by his middle name.

Ive told her so many times to stop - she just won't listen. My husband is now insisting he calls my mum by her middle name because he's annoyed, he didn't really want my grandad's name as a middle name in the first place, I'm just really weak when it comes to my mum and agree for a simpler life.

How should I approach my mum to try and help make force her stop using his middle name as his first name - we love his first name!

I forgot that it's possible to change names. Would consider changing the middle name too if you both don't like it.

I would tell her that until she calls your son by his name she will not see him.

This. Bloody hell. He's not her DS to name/re-name.

Tell your mother thank from this day forward you will be referring to her as skankmushroom.
That is what you and your husband will call her. That is what you will tell your children she is called.

However I'd also tell her that until she learns and uses his name she won't be allowed near your children.
Why are you so scared of her? You hold all of the cards.

She is expecting entirely different standards of behavior from you than she is herself.
You have already asked - repeatedly - for her to stop using his middle name - and she has refused. She hasn't forgotten - or slipped - she has refused.

You could say something along the lines of the following:
Out of deference to you and your family history we used grandads name - but it is not his first or chosen name - You have been asked clearly and repeatedly not to use it that way and have refused to stop. If you cant be reasonable about this then I see no reason why we should continue to be reasonable, So if you don't stop we will change his name - so that grandads name is not it is not, and will never again, be part of my sons name.
This is a matched and equal reaction to your behavior. Do you now understand how important this is to me ?

a bit def con 1 - but the point should be made.

I have a chewy faced relative who insists on spelling their nieces name a different way because "that's the Scottish way", completely ignoring the fact it's spelt the other way because neices dad isn't bloody from here. They just deal with it by writing dneices name on block capitals on reciprocal cards. I suppose you could roar your ds's name at your mum. " GEORGE loved your present Mum. Didn't you GEOOORRGE!"

Thank you all. I will speak to her and insist. My son is 8 months old.

Not seeing her completely/cancelling trip is impossible though - they live in another continent and we see them once a year and we've bought tickets. We speak on FT every other day.

You all are right - I need to be firm. Thank you.

I think you have to call her and say

• if you don't want to damage relationships you have to use his first name only. we feel upset that you cannot do this.
• we aren't changing his name, we are not using his middle name as a nickname
• his middle name was to honour grandad but it is not his name. you are making me regret that decision

if she agrees then visit.
if she sounds reluctant say you feel strongly about it, its past a joke, you will leave and come home if she keeps on doing it.
if she says anything about changing the name/she can call him what she wants then I would say "we feel strongly about this and so won't be visiting as you are not being reasonable"

Speak on FT every other day? I would stop this if she continues.

xpost I see leaving wont be as easy!

I'm just really weak when it comes to my mum and agree for a simpler life

Except as several posters have pointed out, its not a simpler life for you when it causes stress and anxiety. Its completely ridiculous and I have no idea why she would insist on calling your DS a different name plus think this is acceptable as its so far out of the parameters of normality. Why do you think she is?

"How should I approach my mum to try and help make force her stop using his middle name as his first name - we love his first name!"

Tell her that you and you husband have decided to remove your son's middle name by registered change of name (Scotland) /deed poll (rest of UK), that she has brought this about by her own behavior, and that if she persists then you simply won't be seeing her.

Absolutely tell her straight, she uses your child's first name or all contact stops.

Also don't let her have 'alone time' so she can't revert when you're not around.

OK so the visiting situation isn't as clear cut as if she lived 30 minutes away and you saw her every week. But I think if the advice to 'leave' if she calls him by his middle name is swapped to 'cut the call' is actually easier to do.

If she's abroad, is the honouring the grandfather by using his name a cultural tradition? if it is I'm not saying that you have to give in to her, but that you might need a different conversation with her than just 'stop it'.

"Not seeing her completely/cancelling trip is impossible though"

I have just seen that it isn't possible to cancel your next trip, but you can still officially remove your son's middle name and tell her that, if she persists during this trip, you won't be seeing her again until she changes her bullying behavior.

I would ignore this. My GPs did this, I remember asking my parents why and they simply explained. It just made them seem silly.

Have you registered the birth yet??

We had thought of giving DS1 a certain middle name before we registered his birth. However, very soon we realised that MIL who gave us endless wars and grief over her dislike of DS name jumped to use the middle name and also told everybody that his name was the middle name. In fact, I had overheard SIL too correcting surprised people on the phone who thought that MIL had given them the right name. We realised that she was going to spread it too far so we decided with DH not to give DS a middle name at all. She ABSOLUTELY hated it and refused to call DS by his name for months!!

I have known of children that their family call them by their 2nd name, GP by 3rd name and school by first name

Ah your son is 8 months....in that case I would change his middle name to something you do like

Is it on FT that she's doing it? If so, hang up. Every single time. She'll get the message. As for visiting once a year, I'd make it clear that if she can't be bothered to remember her grandson's name then you can't be bothered to travel anymore either. I can't be doing with this nonsense.

Oops, I thought that your son was 5 weeks old

Blimey, your mother is a bully. how unpleasant.

my MIL is like this (though not as bad) and we just extended the length of time between visits and skypes and that brought her into line. we didn't need to say anything though. we were happy not to see them for months on end, which might not work for you.

my mum hated the name of one of her grandkids (not one of mine) but she would never tell the parents and has always called him by his name. come to think of it, she may hate one of my kids' names but i'd never know. it's partly because she's polite, partly cos she knows it's none of her business, and partly because she wants to see her grandkids.

good luck x

Up to a year old you can have a new birth certificate. . No ammendments just a fresh one (first names only)
Do it before you see her.

My sister in law was extremely rude about our choice of name for our DD, and said that she would never call her by that name, but by a name that she likes!

I told her that if I ever heard her do this, she would never see our DD again until she apologised and called her by her real name. In the heat of the moment, I also told her to have her own child or buy a doll and name that whatever she wanted to. Funnily enough, she got the message.