Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do about mum refusing to call my son by his name?

145 replies

shinyredbus · 01/06/2017 11:44

I see my mum in about 5 weeks - she does'nt like my sons first name and loves his middle name (after my grandfather - and this was forced onto me by massive guilt-tripping). These days, she only calls him by his middle name.

Ive told her so many times to stop - she just won't listen. My husband is now insisting he calls my mum by her middle name because he's annoyed, he didn't really want my grandad's name as a middle name in the first place, I'm just really weak when it comes to my mum and agree for a simpler life.

How should I approach my mum to try and help make force her stop using his middle name as his first name - we love his first name! Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/06/2017 12:46

If you don't like the name change it, take it out - preferably replace it with something else.

chocorabbit · 01/06/2017 12:46

Lurking DH also used to try to be "reasonable" with MIL but she only kept demanding more and more and took us totally for granted. In hindsight it was short sighted to try and accommodate her as it was over something very foolish, i.e. her disliking a properly good name and wanting to do what she wanted and MIL STILL tried to force her way over everything.

When you KNOW that there is no way that you are unreasonable there is no point trying to "accommodate" others as they only perceive this as weakness.

DomJolyNurse · 01/06/2017 12:51

I think you should call her.
If you change his name and then tell her, you havent really stood up to her or stood your ground.

Seperately you and your DH should decide if his middle name is what you both want. If not then change it, but not based on her unreasonable behaviour or not as a threat.

Ravenblack · 01/06/2017 12:52

WTF? This woman's behaviour is awful, and weird. Who does she think she is? I fucking HATE it when people get my name wrong or 'don't remember' it.

One woman in my neighbourhood who is an acquaintance (although she calls me a friend,) got all pissy because I found a new friend at a hobby group. So she started calling me by the name of a work colleague of hers called Diane.

My name is Raven, and when me and DH were at the pub with her and her partner and several others, she would say 'I just told Diane about that...' I said 'RAVEN.' 'EH?' she said. 'oh yeah RAVEN sorry!' She was doing it on purpose to make a point. In 5 years of knowing her, she had never called me by the wrong name. Yet she suddenly started doing it to annoy me and remind me that SHE has friends too yawn.

Your MIL is doing this on purpose OP. Why the fuck is your husband not telling her off?! It's up to him - not you!

Ravenblack · 01/06/2017 12:55

Sorry OP, I just noticed it's YOUR mother doing it. Why do you have an issue with putting your own mother in her place? Confused

As your DH said, start calling HER by her middle name if she won't quit. And if she doesn't have one, start calling her by a naff name!

artycakemaker · 01/06/2017 12:58

My Aunt (who's a bit of a bitch tbh) did this to her DD's child. So my cousin's husband started calling her 'Patsy'. As in Patsy from Ab Fab. When asked why he basically said she must be drunk and self involved to have not figured out what her own grandchild's name was.

Stopped it stone cold dead.

AmysTiara · 01/06/2017 12:58

Er Raven it's not up to the husband as it's the ops mother.

flumpybear · 01/06/2017 13:06

You need to be really firm. Text r call her today and tell her you're upsetting your family and making things stressful, not least your poor child who won't know his name - he shouldn't have that sort of confusion!!

Your baby your choices, your the mummy and you have to put your foot down with your family

good luck !! Flowers

Ravenblack · 01/06/2017 13:11

@amystiara. Did you not read my second post DIRECTLY after my first?! 12.55pm Confused I acknowledge that I had made a mistake and apologised. Your post was 3 minutes after that. Surely you must have seen it?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/06/2017 13:14

we decided with DH not to give DS a middle name at all. She ABSOLUTELY hated it and refused to call DS by his name for months!!
chocorabbit that's terrible!

Mumchance · 01/06/2017 13:16

Yes, use the opportunity that you have until he turns one to alter the middle name for free. And FaceTime can be switched off, you know.

EmeraldIsle100 · 01/06/2017 13:17

OP put your foot down now or else this nonsense will go on for years. If you don't make it clear that you are his parents you will be having the same type of discussions regarding his development, schooling, clothing, food, friends etc for the foreseeable future.

alltouchedout · 01/06/2017 13:19

You can change your son's name and have the new middle name added to the birth certificate, if you want to go down that road.

AstrantiaMajor · 01/06/2017 13:26

I would say to her that, when your son is learning to speak you will not allow him to call her Grandma. He will be told to call her my her first or second name.

LordBuckley · 01/06/2017 13:39

Tell her you're very concerned about her memory loss, and offer to go to the doctor with her on your next visit.

MummySparkle · 01/06/2017 13:42

Tell your DS to ignore her unless she calls him by his actual name, or does he like his middle name?

Call her by her middle

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 01/06/2017 13:50

I wouldn't play mind games like calling her the wrong name or other tangential stuff. I would just say that his name is 'X' and that's what she should call him, otherwise you will be annoyed. You have 5 weeks to train her like you would train a dog, every time she calls him 'Y' on FaceTime you say "His name is X" and hang up immediately. Don't answer the phone to her again until the usual time the next day. Repeat until she stops. She'll probably tell you off or cry, but you can tell there that there is no need for discussion or shouting/drama, his name is 'X' and that's what you want her to call him.

gillybeanz · 01/06/2017 13:55

I'm with your dh, and stop allowing your mum to behave like this.
She does it because you allow her to and even encourage her by not standing up for yourself.
Why did you give your child a name you didn't want to use?

RaspberryOverloadsOnIcepops · 01/06/2017 13:56

Ravenblack Thu 01-Jun-17 13:11:52

@amystiara. Did you not read my second post DIRECTLY after my first?! 12.55pm confused I acknowledge that I had made a mistake and apologised. Your post was 3 minutes after that. Surely you must have seen it?

If that poster was reading the thread, and opened the page before the post containing the apology appeared on the thread, then yes, she could well have cross-posted 3 minutes after and not have seen your apology.

I tend to read threads as one long page, so it can take a while to read the lot. I try to refresh when I get to the end, so I don't miss any new posts, but it's easy to forget.

AyeAmarok · 01/06/2017 14:15

OP, you are choosing to not upset your DM, and upset your DH instead. Remember all the threads on here where the DH does that with his DM and the OP is so hurt?

You need to speak to her.

AmysTiara · 01/06/2017 15:23

Thanks Raspberry.

Yes I was writing my message as you were writing yours Raven so no need to be snarky about it.

newdaddie · 01/06/2017 15:26

I personally wouldn't be that bothered, I encourage my family to have pet names or use middle names for dd if it helps them bond with her.

Atenco · 01/06/2017 15:33

OP, you are choosing to not upset your DM, and upset your DH instead

This

And you are on a slippery slope. First you gave your child a middle name you didn't want, now she has changed the name is being called by. What next? The more you give in, the more drama there will be the day you rebel

WeAreEternal · 01/06/2017 15:34

"Mum, we've decided to change DS's name, we have an appointment tomorrow at the registry office to do so. We are very unhappy about your insistence of only calling DS by his middle name so to avoid any arguments we have decided to drop the middle name completely, DS will then only go by one name, his actual name."

If she is as passionate about the middle name as you say I'm pretty sure she will quickly decide to stop being so childish about it.

Although personally I'd still drop the middle name, nobody should feel forced to name their DCs anything they don't want to.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 01/06/2017 15:37

I don't really see why a granny shouldn't call her grandchild by his middle name if she wants. What does it matter? My granny always called me a pet name that no-one else used, I liked it, it made me feel special and loved.

Why is everything automatically negative and adversarial on MN?