What to do about mum refusing to call my son by his name?

[shinyredbus]

I see my mum in about 5 weeks - she does'nt like my sons first name and loves his middle name (after my grandfather - and this was forced onto me by massive guilt-tripping). These days, she only calls him by his middle name.

Ive told her so many times to stop - she just won't listen. My husband is now insisting he calls my mum by her middle name because he's annoyed, he didn't really want my grandad's name as a middle name in the first place, I'm just really weak when it comes to my mum and agree for a simpler life.

How should I approach my mum to try and help make force her stop using his middle name as his first name - we love his first name!

I'd just ignore it tbh, my mum has never managed to call me by my real name. It's either a pet name or one of my sisters names. She is completely oblivious

I struggle to understand the massive sense of entitlement & sheer rudeness of these people who will call their family members by a different name than the one they've been given. It genuinely baffles me. My niece is called Elizabeth, a lovely name which has many potential shortenings. My favourite is Libby. The one that's stuck is a different shortening, I don't like it particularly, but I wouldn't dream of calling my niece something else just because it's not a name I would choose.

When ds is born in September we're naming him (we think) after my grandads. Dfs dads name as first name dms as middle. Together they form a proper traditional name. Which we love.

We both know mil will kick off because it won't be after her family or fils family (she left fil a few years ago but suddenly fils family is all important...) she made noise the other day about me being "clever enough" to "give dh an heir and to carry on the family name" if I hadn't changed my surname when we married ds would be getting my last name... but that'd upset dh if I did that now. And he's pretty great.

We had a slightly similar thing, ds has a long but traditional name. They started shortening it to a common nn version.

However, as he got older and started to speak he would correct them and would ignore them if they used the wrong name. I still smile when I think about it!

He is still known by his full name!

Is your son old enough to tell his grandmother himself to call him by his first name?

... how about he has a range of t-shirts with his name on?!

I like that, Molly! You could have a selection printed, OP.

Not a good idea to have your child's name emblazoned on their T-shirts.

I'm gobsmacked that you've got to 8 months and not put your foot down about it. It's going be hard but you have to stand your ground. He's going to be confused as a toddler when you're on FT and she isn't using his name.

My cousin had the same, her grandma on her dads side wanted her to have a family name and my aunt point blank refused, but to make life easier she agreed to having it as a middle name. Unfortunately grandma was led to believe (right up til her death) that cousin was being called by her middle name not her actual first name. For example called Debbie with her name being Emma Debbie. But her actual birth certificate showed her name as Debbie Emma. My aunt loved that she had got one over on her all those years. It was just a way of controlling a situation she didn't like. None of the subsequent cousins were forced to have family names thankfully.

Tell her not only is she being rude, but she will cause your son confusion as he grows up.
It's an almighty pain in the arse. My husband was christened one name, after hai father, his mother calls him by his middle name, and his brother sells him by a family nickname. And his friends call him a nickname derived from our surname. So all in all my children hear their dad being referred to as not only dad but 4 other names, often all in the same conversation! To say it causes confusion is an understatement!

I really don't see the problem. It isn't confusing for the child, children can cope quite easily with parents speaking different languages so having a GP use a different name is nothing. Furthermore, many children are called by different names depending upon who they're speaking to ... family pet names, school nick names etc.

Anyone who gets that precious and 'controlling' about their child's name has bigger issues that need to be addressed ... and to those that think it's really worth ruining a relationship over I'd suggest they have their priorities all wrong.

I would honestly change the name by deed poll. You didn't want it, your husband really didn't want it, and your mother will continue to use it like it is his first name, so take it out all together.

If it isn't part of his name, she cannot call him that.

One of my kids' teachers consistently spelled her name wrong. We gave her an uncommon spelling, but actually more "correct" than the more common Dowling (not English, but the uncommon spelling is more correct grammatically).

We corrected her over and over, but it wasn't until we started working the teacher's name wrong that she started showing my daughter's correctly.

Maybe you could try something similar, as long as your mum calls your son the wedding name, you/he calls her the wrong name (man instead of gran, aunty instead of grandma, dad instead of mum, whatever works for you). So she understands how frustrating it is to be called the wrong name.

Alternatively, maybe you can compromise on her calling your son by both his names?

OP- I had this too with my mum. In fact it's one of the reasons I'm now NC. She told her side of the family DS was called by his middle name as she didn't like his first name. I got a letter from my aunt congratulating me on the north of (middle name) which is how I found out. She also addresses things to his initials, its really weird. Sorry to hear this happened to you too- I thought it was just mine did these odd things..

Your Mother is rude, disrespectful and brazenly challenging you.

DS is YOUR child and just because she is older and has raised DCs does not warrant doing as she pleases.

Also confusing for DS surely.

How did the conversation go OP?

OP, hope you were able to talk openly and honestly with your mother and most importantly i hope she listened acknowledged how unacceptable her behaviour has been and will from now on call DS by his actual name!

hi everyone,

I spoke to mum and told her I'm not happy with her calling him a different name, and also that its going to confuse my 3 year old. She agreed and for a few days or so, called him by his real name, yesterday however - she called him a nickname which was not even in english, which i called her out on, now my dad is calling him by this very odd nickname as well - its not actually his name, so i don't know if its as bad as its a pet name iyswim? (the other name was actually his middle name) I mean, i had a pet nickname when i was young - no one calls me that now though

My daughter said to me recently (about this new nickname) 'thats not his name - lets call grandma that name instead!' i think she's got a good idea there!

Thanks for all your help lovely people.

Well done your dd

Your dd is fab

Petnames in families are cute and fun. A petname from your DM, given that you know she's massively trying to avoid using his real name is neither.

Tell your DM nice try but you aren't buying it.