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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
RoseTico · 01/06/2017 12:22

so its ok to cheat so kind as you wrap it up first??

Where did I say it's okay?!

perper · 01/06/2017 12:23

I would absolutely want to know. It would be dreadful to be told, but a million times more preferable to being kept in the dark. Please tell her.

Don't go to her work though- I can't imagine something more awful than having to keep it together if a stranger rocked up and told me that.

Email her out of working hours (if you are sure the address is a current one). Explain that you feel she needs to be told and show the evidence. Offer to meet if she wants to discuss.

PersianCatLady · 01/06/2017 12:24

The only reason I would be doing it because I feel guilty she's marrying someone that she appears to be absolutely besotted with not knowing he wooed me for weeks and eventually was incredibly intimate with me
Count yourself lucky that you found out so early and move on.

The GF may not believe you and even if she does, she certainly won't thank you for it.

perper · 01/06/2017 12:24

(If you don't get a response though, I'd set up an account and send a facebook message- or just do that in the first place. Some people don't check emails, or wouldn't open an email from a stranger in case it's a virus)

Westray · 01/06/2017 12:25

So you met a guy on a dating site, had a shag on the second date , and he told you he had a girlfriend.

Hardly stringing you along. I think he was pretty upfront.

I'd learn from the experience.

perper · 01/06/2017 12:26

For what it's worth (re: people saying it's not your business or she won't thank you or whatever), I'd be much much angrier with a girl sleeping with my partner and NOT telling me (if she knew I existed) than I would a girl who slept with him, found out about me and told me. I'd be upset, of course, but I'd be immensely grateful in the end that she had the guts to tell me.

PersianCatLady · 01/06/2017 12:27

This is going to sound really harsh but he met you and then had another "date" for a ONS.

I don't understand why you think this meant anything more to him than a secret shag.

I think you are reading far more into his behaviour than might have been there.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 01/06/2017 12:28

Oh and the email attached too the Facebook might be a dud. Mine was because I didn't want constant emails. So I made an account simply for facebook.

SumThucker · 01/06/2017 12:30

Oh God it's hard. I'd want to know if I was the cheated one, but I don't think I'd be able to tell the poor woman...

I don't know.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 12:32

Westray - I was talking to him constantly on the dating website for 3 weeks prior - have you even read the original post?

We then met up over 2 the course of two weeks and texting constantly - never did he mention he had a girlfriend so what what planet do you live on to think he was upfront with me?

Persian I know he only wanted me for a shag now but I didn't at the time obviously! BUT if I was the GF and I found out my fiancé had done to another woman what he had done to me I would be more devastated than if he had just met some random in a drunken night out and had a quick shag!

OP posts:
Tazerface · 01/06/2017 12:33

Oh the irony of rizlett saying
Be grateful he hasn't strung you along for months.

Well so long as it's not the OP eh?

I think you should tell her. I wouldn't go and see her, I'd email with a screenshot of his profile (from a computer so it is date stamped) and say he slept with you on X date and you're sorry, you have texts to prove it.

It's not about getting one over the bloke it's about doing the right thing so a woman doesn't marry a cheating man and potentially find out only after they are married and have children!

I think you should be prepared for her to shoot the messenger, but once she has the information she can do with it what she likes.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 01/06/2017 12:34

This is such an awful situation for you! I'm sorry that someone you thought you really liked has behaved like this. I don't understand how people can do stuff like this tbh.

I think you should definitely tell her but I don't know if face to face is the best thing. I'd send her an email, saying how sorry you are and telling her what has happened, that he never mentioned he had a gf or you would never have gone there, and attach screenshots of the text and his OLD profile.

lanouvelleheloise · 01/06/2017 12:34

"I don't understand why you think this meant anything more to him than a secret shag."

Maybe because, as the OP's first post makes clear, there was a ton of interaction between them over the course of a month before the second date, during which time he didn't actually mention he had a girlfriend, despite having thousands of opportunities?

It's ridiculous to pretend that he didn't deliberately lie about this.

LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 12:34

Screen shot his dating profile and send it to her!!

If this was me I would absolutely 100% want to know.

I would not want to waste my time and money on marrying a bastard cheat.

I would not want to have a child with this man by the time I found out and then have to worry how much money it was going to cost me to divorce the arsehole. Remember the Tories have scrapped legal aid for women who need to get a divorce.

TELL HER

sweetbitter · 01/06/2017 12:34

So you met a guy on a dating site, had a shag on the second date , and he told you he had a girlfriend. Hardly stringing you along. I think he was pretty upfront.

What?! I'd be massively fucked off if I slept with someone and then AFTERWARDS they told me they had a girlfriend. I think that's taking advantage, he had presumably advertised himself as a single person on the dating site. Upfront would be telling her before he slept with her, or better still before he arranged to meet up with her on a date.

SandyDenny · 01/06/2017 12:35

I would send a link to the online dating profile from an email address you set up just to do that. Don't use your own name.

Or, set up a FB profile not in your own name and send it from there.

He won't be able to deny that the profile is him and there's nothing to show who sent it.

LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 12:37

Why the fuck are people trying to mansplain this arseholes behaviour? He acted like a single person and led the OP on but that's perfectly ok because he's quite entitled to lie and waste people's time...

what?

HappyFlappy · 01/06/2017 12:37

Tell her - add a link to the dating site,

TurquoiseDress · 01/06/2017 12:41

Why the fuck are people trying to mansplain this arseholes behaviour? He acted like a single person and led the OP on but that's perfectly ok because he's quite entitled to lie and waste people's time...

Lottie
I totally agree

And turning it around to suggest that the OP has the problem or somehow expected too much from him

SumThucker · 01/06/2017 12:42

Your friend is an idiot too, by the way, suggesting you go to her place of work. Watch for her thriving on the drama.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 12:43

He won't be able to deny that the profile is him

Yes he will. Setting up an OLD profile isn't like opening a bank account; it would be very easy to set up a fake one if you wanted to.

RossGellersteeth · 01/06/2017 12:44

Hardly stringing you along. I think he was pretty upfront

Of course he was stringing OP along. He should have told her BEFORE they had sex. How dare he think he can treat two women like this, he deserves everything that's coming to him.

ADishBestEatenCold · 01/06/2017 12:45

"Also it's not to save my reputation because no one knows that we slept together" Confused

That should not be relevant either way! Is there something wrong with a single woman choosing to have sex with (someone she believes to be) a single man (or woman)? Is there something wrong with having sex with someone you haven't known long, or barely know, or even a one night stand? Does the 'reputation' thing still exist? Do women still get condemned as 'easy' or 'slags' or whatever?

If so, I absolutely hate that attitude and women should be the first people to stamp it out.

(in my opinion)

lanouvelleheloise · 01/06/2017 12:46

I strongly dislike the implication that women who have sex on the second date deserve to be the victims of arseholes, too.

I had sex on the second date. Am now married to the guy,

Cuppaoftea · 01/06/2017 12:46

The fact you're even thinking of going in to this girl's work, a public supermarket fgs, to tell her suggests to me you're actually out to hurt and humiliate her as well as him to make yourself feel better.

If your only concern was her welfare you wouldn't even consider it.

You are clearly looking for drama and revenge Op but be prepared for it all to backfire (and to be escorted out by security). It really won't be difficult for him to then paint you as a stalker.