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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 12:07

My friend has just suggested that I go and see her at her place of work (she's found out she work at a supermarket in a neighbouring town) - she said it will be easier to convey tone and sympathy if I do it face to face? What do we all think?

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 01/06/2017 12:07

I probably wouldn't tell her as the fact that he was so blase about having a girlfriend suggests he isn't scared of being found out as he knows he will get away with it. He is obviously a convincing liar and no doubt is able to pull the wool over her eyes. There could also be repercussions for you if you tell her which just aren't worth the hassle. I think it better to chalk it up to experience. and in future, make sure that you know someone a bit better before you sleep with them.

Justbreaking · 01/06/2017 12:07

My vote is tell her. But I'm just out of a relationship with a lying cheating twat that acted to get what he wanted.
You don't owe her anything realistically, but it's making you feel conflicted, so yes, I'd tell her. Make a temporary fb account, don't use your real name. Be prepared to be told you're lying etc, and then just shut the account again.
Sorry you've been treated this way. It sucks

RoseTico · 01/06/2017 12:08

Think about it more OP. Shooting the messenger is a very common reaction. You could end up being targeted by him and her. I'd only message her if you had unprotected sex, because she really would need to know then.

MommaGee · 01/06/2017 12:09

Omg, OP, how shameful why? OP did nothing wrong

NormaSmuff · 01/06/2017 12:09

what do we think minnievintage?
about visiting her at work,?
hmm, could go many ways. dont assume a good reasonable reaction. but otoh it might be easier than setting up a facebook account for the same purpose

TurquoiseDress · 01/06/2017 12:10

I definitely think that the girlfriend needs to be told!

Not saying anything just lets him get away with acting like a dog

At least she can then make an informed decision about whether she marries him or not

If this is nothing new and he has done similar many times before, then fair enough- she is going into her marriage eyes wide open and accepting being treated with zero respect

If she has no idea about any of this, if it was me, I would absolutely want to know!

I think she needs to be told, but going to see her face to face is something that I don't think I could do.

RoseTico · 01/06/2017 12:10

Print out the screenshots of his profile and your messages, and ask your friend to take the envelope to her. Don't go to see her face to face while she's at work, that will not go well, it could easily get twisted that you went to gloat or threaten her.

I'd still say just leave it alone...

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 12:10

Jesus, don't go and cause a scene at her work! Shock

Unless your motive is to hurt her, rather than to do the right thing.

MommaGee · 01/06/2017 12:10

I'd only message her if you had unprotected sex, because she really would need to know then so its ok to cheat so kind as you wrap it up first??

NormaSmuff · 01/06/2017 12:11

listen to your rl friend not strangers on mumsnet op

Justbreaking · 01/06/2017 12:11

OP please please don't deliver this news while she is working, in a public place. I got about 20 messages of screenshots of my ex's indiscretions while on my break at work. I lost it. Please don't do that.

indigox · 01/06/2017 12:12

Do not go to her work, what an absolutely horrendous suggestion.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/06/2017 12:12

Dreadful idea. If you must tell her email her, although I still think you should leave it. She is not going to want to see you face to face. Be careful you are doing this for the right reason and not just because you feel wronged. You are leaving yourself open to all sorts of shit, stay as anonomous as you can.

artycakemaker · 01/06/2017 12:12

Not face to face. I'd send an e-mail as it gives her a chance to collect herself and think about her next course of action at her own pace. face to face WAY too confronting, and also might have bad repercussions on you- looks as if yu are stalking her.

NormaSmuff · 01/06/2017 12:12

well obviously you would wait until she had finished work, give the op some credit

KC225 · 01/06/2017 12:13

That is a hell of a thing to find out at work. What if she breaks down etc. What if others find out? How would you even know what she was the right person?

I suppose you could approach her with all the evidence in a letter, tell her to open it in private.

I'm torn on this way. I think she should know but I am not sure she expects sympathy from the woman who slept with her fiancee (Even if you were a unaware) nor should you expect any.

GherkinSnatch · 01/06/2017 12:14

My concern about visiting her at work would be upsetting her at her place of work, and how you would be able to furnish her with the proof.

You'd need to be very careful to say "I understand how horrible what I'm saying is, but before you speak to him, his profile is on , and I have screenshots I can send you if you wish."

Not sure about how to handle the apology aspect - out and out apologising implies blame, and you did nothing wrong.

PersianCatLady · 01/06/2017 12:16

I'm worried he might fob that off by saying it's a fake profile
Why do you need his GF to know about this ONS so much??

Is there part of you that actually wants to get revenge on him at all??

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 12:16

It's certainly not for my own agenda - what will I gain from it? He's hardly going to come running back to me is he? (Not that I would want him to!) Also it's not to save my reputation because no one knows that we slept together (apart from my RL friend)

The only reason I would be doing it because I feel guilty she's marrying someone that she appears to be absolutely besotted with not knowing he wooed me for weeks and eventually was incredibly intimate with me

OP posts:
alltalknobaby · 01/06/2017 12:17

No no no! Definitely don't go to her work. Send her an email and let her read it in privacy. You're about to turn her world upside down - there's no need to do hat at her place of work.

PushingThru · 01/06/2017 12:18

Don't go to her workplace, definitely send something electronically. Don't say more than you need to. Keep it short, to the point, attach facts and proof and forget about both of them after that. You've done your bit and your best.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 01/06/2017 12:20

Please please tell her. . However you choose to do it. . Just tell her.
What if she is ttc with him??
She deserves to know.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 01/06/2017 12:22

In all honesty I probably wouldn't believe a message that came from a newly made account that had no info, no friends or pictures.

Do not go and deliver the news in work, what the he'll kind of idea is that?

Hi there are you X? Ah great just too let you know I've slept with your partner who I met on a dating site. Could you direct me too where the bread is please, thanks.

PersianCatLady · 01/06/2017 12:22

My friend has just suggested that I go and see her at her place of work (she's found out she work at a supermarket in a neighbouring town) - she said it will be easier to convey tone and sympathy if I do it face to face
Definitely don't turn up at her place of work.

Imagine how awful that would be if the roles were reversed.

To me there is a fine line between telling the GF for her own benefit and getting revenge on the man.