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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 12:48

ADish what?? Reputation as in its embarrassing to admit that I was wooed and taken in by this man and I fell for it that he was genuinely interested in me and he was only after one thing. I don't care that I had sex with him on the second date - I was celibate for 3 years and I was gagging for it!

OP posts:
LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 12:49

One of my exes once set up a dating profile whilst I was in a relationship with him. He then lied to me and told me he knew nothing about it and that facebook must have made it up

She may not want to believe this about him. But if she's given the information she will at least know she needs to stop and think about this. She will have been warned.

WellThatSucks · 01/06/2017 12:50

Send the email with screenshots then forget about it. You have no control over whether it goes to a spam folder or if the gf chooses to ignore/disbelieve/act on it but you will have done what you can. Do not go to her work, that's an intrusion too far.
Also it's not just the gf is it? I think you should contact the dating site and let them know this man is presenting himself as single while having a fiancée - surely other single women deserve to be protected from sleazebags like this too.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 12:50

cuppa if you care to actually read what I wrote I said my RL friend suggested it and I asked people's opinions on what they thought of that idea. I haven't done anything yet and I'm not intending to do anything till I have a good think about - hence my AIBU 🤔

OP posts:
ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 12:51

You'll have a reputation as a shit-stirring loon if you go ahead with this, even if it's unjustified.

Westray · 01/06/2017 12:51

lanouvelleheloise I'm not suggesting that one night stands are bad, not at all, I have had them myself.

What I am suggesting is that we should be wary of people we meet on dating sites.
Many men register simply for an off piste shag.

LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 12:52

The op is definitely not coming across as a bunny boiler. I think she sounds completely reasonable

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 12:54

Computer let me ask you this then - if you were the GF you can honestly say that wouldn't want to know if your fiancé that you are marrying in 7 months is cheating on you? 🤔

OP posts:
ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 12:54

Bunny boiler is a horrible expression from a dreadful misogynistic film, but OP opens herself up to being accused of being one by the bloke, his fiancée and their associates. It's honestly not worth the grief.

HattiesBackpack · 01/06/2017 12:54

This is a tough one, morally I think you should tell her, but be prepared to be made into the bad guy in this scenario, not that you have done anything wrong at all.

wuckfittery · 01/06/2017 12:55

Really bad idea to confront her at work. If someone did that to me, my first reaction would be to call the police!

ADishBestEatenCold · 01/06/2017 12:57

"Reputation as in its embarrassing to admit that I was wooed and taken in by this man and I fell for it that he was genuinely interested in me and he was only after one thing."

Ah, I see. It did sound like you were referring to the 'reputation' thing labelled on women ... what used to be the common use of the phrase/label ... but I see what you mean now.

UnicornSparkles1 · 01/06/2017 12:58

Going to her work positions you as the crazy OW. Do not do this.

Emailing her an apologetic heads up gives her a chance to get out before it's too late.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 12:59

Minnie - I wouldn't actually believe it. Not because I'm a mug, but because it's not the way my dp operates and we live in each other's pockets. He also has extended family with an axe to grind and form for going out of their way to get at him; as I've said repeatedly, it would be very, very easy to create a fake OLD profile and I wouldn't put it past them to do so.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 12:59

No not at all - no one in RL even knew I was on the dating site as I found that quite embarrassing in itself so the thought of people knowing how he treated me is just very embarrassing for me

OP posts:
2littlemoos · 01/06/2017 13:00

I would. I would want to know. Better now than her finding out once she is married and then has to endure months of distress going through the divorce as well as healing her wound.

Screenshot his profile on the dating site and send it via fb. Poor woman.

honeyroar · 01/06/2017 13:00

So what computer! So what if a lying cheating rat calls you a bunny boiler (obviously he will come out with crap like thatrathwr than be truthful!). The OP is doing the right thing. He's the one risking something like that happening when he cheats on his fiancée. I've been that girl, the wedding was called off, and while it hurt like helm I'm glad I found out.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 13:01

Computer that's not what I asked though. You are likening the scenario to your current situation and DP. What I asked you was if you were the GF and your partner was sleeping behind your back would you rather stay ignorant and marry him?

OP posts:
honeyroar · 01/06/2017 13:02

And I have a pretty low opinion of the people that knew and didn't tell me!

Cuppaoftea · 01/06/2017 13:02

Agree Computer.

Op the fact you're even considering going in to her work suggests you don't have her best interests at heart.

If he does this regularly she will find out from someone who knows and cares about her and who she can trust and believe.

You/your friend need to stop stalking her online/in RL.

In future beware of inviting a guy back to your own house who you've only chatted to online for a few weeks and know next to nothing about in RL.

lazycrazyhazy · 01/06/2017 13:03

Does the dating site have rules? Could you report him to them?

ThatsWotSheSaid · 01/06/2017 13:04

Normally I'd say leave it alone but I think this girl should be told.
He sounds really scummy. Presumably your consent for sex was based on him being single. The fact he said nothing then told you straight away afterwards, in a kind of rubbing your face in it way, sounds well a bit rapey.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 13:04

Cuppaoftea I'm a grown woman Thankyou, I will make my own judgements about how long I should take before I invite someone to my house and sleep with them 🙄

OP posts:
MommaGee · 01/06/2017 13:04

hardly stringing you along. I think he was pretty upfront he lied by at least omission (well I never said I didn't!" in order to get sex. Upfront would have been hey in engaged but if like a bit extra if you're up for it.

FunkyChunk · 01/06/2017 13:04

I'm getting married in a few months. I would absolutely want to know, I wouldn't marry him if he had cheated.

I would say that I'd want to see proof (eg screenshots of texts etc) so offer to provide it.

You aren't in any way obliged to tell her but it's the kind thing to do in the long run.

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