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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
MoominFlaps · 01/06/2017 11:35

I'd tell her.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 11:35

There are injustices I'd put myself at risk for, but this isn't one of them. Especially not when someone else will do so without putting themselves in the firing line.

MissBax · 01/06/2017 11:36

I'm with cardinal - yes he's a cheat, but think it's VERY farfetched to assume he's going to come to her house and what? Assault her??

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 11:40

Assault her??

Maybe, yes.

What do people think is going to happen? The fiancée is going to be eternally grateful to the OP for "doing the right thing" whilst he shrugs his shoulders and says "well it's a fair cop guvner"?

nina2b · 01/06/2017 11:42

Omg, OP, how shameful.

MissBax · 01/06/2017 11:43

God how do any of you leave your houses with the fear of violent abusers round every corner?
The OP has given no indication that he's going to do that. I find it odd to not do something due to minute chance that someone would react badly.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 11:46

I haven't told any strangers that their fiancé has been fucking other women recently, so I feel perfectly safe thank you.

MissBax · 01/06/2017 11:47

Oh so it's only cheaters that are violent criminals?

PoorYorick · 01/06/2017 11:47

He's not going to come round to the OP's house.

Pleasestoplickingthetv · 01/06/2017 11:49

I would tell her, save her getting married to a bellend.
Send a screenshot of messages from a fake profile, then delete it and change your number!

UnicornSparkles1 · 01/06/2017 11:49

I agree. Email her. Include a link to his dating profile. Be specific with dates so that she can think back and realise that she wasn't with him.

Don't warn him in advance, it gives him time to formulate a lie/delete evidence.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Poor girlfriend too, she deserves to know before she marries him and starts a family with him. If she chooses to go ahead with the wedding then so be it, but she deserves to at least know.

Cuppaoftea · 01/06/2017 11:51

I'd think it very likely he, his girlfriend, their friends and family could put the word around that Op is a stalker and fantasist hellbent on splitting up a happily engaged couple.

Could make things very difficult for the Op socially.

Or yes he could pay her a visit at home to warn her off. If you have children Op don't put them at risk.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 11:51

Maybe he won't - how on earth do we know?

Point is he will get caught. OP doesn't need to do anything. If she does, she could be in for a shedload of unpleasantness (or possibly worse) which she doesn't deserve.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 11:51

I will admit that I'm worried as he knows where I live but I just cannot get out of my head the nagging feeling that if I was his fiancé I would be devastated if I married him and later found out he was a cheat. I think what also makes it harder to swallow is that I felt it wasn't just sex, it was very intimate almost like he "made love to me" and the things he said to me whilst we were having sex is quite unbelievable considering he was so blasé when he left. I always think that this would be the most hurtful part of a partner cheating - because sex is sex but it's the thought of your partner actually being emotionally intimate with someone.

OP posts:
ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 11:52

Sorry, my last post was in response to Yorick.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 01/06/2017 11:53

She deserves to know. Provide her with details,of the dating she, she can look him up herself. Tell her his number. Proof you aren't lying.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 11:53

Also just to add - I know it wasn't emotional for him and he was just acting to get a shag

OP posts:
sweetbitter · 01/06/2017 11:53

I don't think I'd tell her. He must be pretty damn audacious to have a profile on a dating site, and I imagine he'd just tell her you're crazy, you're lying and she'll believe him because she wants to: if they're engaged to be married this year it's going to be a massive wrench to call all of that off.

If you do decide to tell her, I think you have to do it with screenshots and proof of everything, and be prepared to meet up with her if necessary. Anything less and I bet he'll convince her he didn't do it, and I'm not sure it's fair to her to "let her know" in a half assed way leaving her with room to doubt the truth.

There is of course a slim chance they have an open relationship...but slim, slim chance.

Blah2ppp · 01/06/2017 11:54

.

spottysuperted · 01/06/2017 11:54

I

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 11:56

Likewise, Cuppaoftea

I'll bet 50p that he'll claim all sorts of bollocks - including that the OP set up his OLD profile herself (which would be pretty easy to do if you were so inclined).

user1491401693 · 01/06/2017 12:00

I probably wouldn't tell her. He must have more front than Blackpool to be so blasé and chances are his fiancée is aware.

BewareOfDragons · 01/06/2017 12:03

Just tell her. YOU would want to know if it was your fiance. I imagine most women would so they can call it off before tying themselves to a cheater.

Send her the link, tell her you're really sorry, that you had no idea she existed, and he only told you about her AFTER he'd met up with you twice and had spent the night with you.

NarcsBegone · 01/06/2017 12:06

I think I would tell her. It's her chance to possibly dodge a bullet so to speak. It sounds like he was fairly confident and has probably done this before and will again. If you email her give her the dating site name and his user name so she can see for herself. If it was me I'd send screenshots of his messages too

lucyandpoppy123 · 01/06/2017 12:06

I would tell her with screenshots as well or if you have any mutual friends you could show them his dating profile and screenshot it and get them to show her 'oh look I was on a dating site with my friend and we came across your boyfriends profile!' Or something like that, that way you can remain anonymous and it is coming from a friend rather than some random girl