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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
MarvellousMonsters · 02/06/2017 18:30

Fucks sake, tell her. Set up a new hotmail account and send her screenshots of everything.

My ex used to trawl twitter (using multiple profiles) and form long distance romantic relationships and go away "for work" to meet up with them. It was a relief to find out I wasn't going mad, and that his rambling excuses were nonsense. I wish someone had told me, it would've saved me several years of stress and confusion.

hiimmumma · 02/06/2017 18:33

This thread is bonkers.
I don't even understand the point people are trying to make?

Surely if your in a relationship with someone, long term, engaged, then the fact you are on a dating site in the first place is bad enough. Basically cheating or actively seeking to cheat. Then he actually went on dates and actually slept with someone?!
He's a scumbag and it's all on him.

No blame on the OP. She was on a dating site for single people. Not 'unmarried'.
single. Single, Unattached. ON A DATING SITE!!
She went on dates with him. She acted 100% normal as any single person would.
So did he.
But he wasn't.

The point of this thread is not to explain why the OP was or wasn't at fault but to advise if she should tell an unsuspecting woman that her parter is a cheat before she makes a massive mistake and married the scumbag.
The answer is yes of course.
No brainer.

donnatella110 · 02/06/2017 18:35

I would want to know and I think any woman would. I'd be more angry if I found out people knew and didn't tell me. Yes she'll probably be hurt but better to find out now and make an informed decision than invest in him further thinking he's something he's not.

HotelEuphoria · 02/06/2017 18:36

Well said hiimmumma!

Exactly this

mrsdaz · 02/06/2017 18:38

The reason these 'men' get away with it is because we women keep schtum.

It is premeditated cheating and the way he told you is disgusting!! Who does he think he is!! Scumbag.

Get your friend to tell her, neutral ground. She never has to know who you are.

Brenn864 · 02/06/2017 18:39

Oh my gawd! What an awful man! Leading women on and lying and cheating on the woman he's about to marry...I feel bad for you but even worse for her..please tell her and stop this man from making an utter fool of women....keep us updated

Jayne35 · 02/06/2017 18:41

Really clarkl2? OP doesn't sound naive and bitter at all. I would want to know if I was about to marry a cheating scumbag. Also 'stupid for sleeping with someone on second date'? It's not 1950.

BraayTigger · 02/06/2017 18:42

What a shit he is! Sorry it ended this way when he seemed so nice.
I think you should definitely tell her, 100%, he should not get away with it. Good luck xx

Blanca87 · 02/06/2017 18:43

Bravo hiimmumma, you have nailed it.Star

DUFFDADDY1 · 02/06/2017 18:44

Tell the woman.
The guy chanced his luck. He also told you. Possibly due to him being arrogant to the you will not her.
The choice is yours?

DUFFDADDY1 · 02/06/2017 18:46

Typo
... arrogant and does not think you will tell.

euromorris · 02/06/2017 18:48

Tell her.

One of my exes was cheating on me, repeatedly, behind my back. Turns out all my friends knew at the time but didn't tell me because 'they didn't want to upset me/interfere/get involved'. Cowardly shits. Only one person had the courage to tell me, when he found out. Thank God for him.

Realising my ex was cheating was awful. What's worse is that I then felt I couldn't trust anyone because all of my so called friends had lied to me. I lost my boyfriend, and all bar one friend in one day. I had trust issues that took years to resolve because they were all too cowardly to tell me, and offer support from the start!

I can't imagine how much worse it would have been if I'd married him!!

Please tell her!

Borodin · 02/06/2017 18:49

I apologise on behalf of all of my gender; the testosterone that we're blessed with make some improper things very tempting, but not unavoidable.

Can you send a copy of his dating profile to her?

I think the information, an "I'm sorry but I had no idea", and a link to his dating page would do the trick.

She will probably be angry with you, so be prepared for that, but this is not on you. I hope you haven't had dreams of a long-term relationship shattered.

Please don't feel bad. You're not guilty of "receiving stolen goods" unless you knew they were stolen. I hope you find a good guy.

JessieMcJessie · 02/06/2017 18:49

DaddyFirstTime
Curious as to why your posting on Mumsnet when you don't have children!

Your username suggests that you yourself are new to this site. A large proportion of people on this site are not parents and will not thank you for being made to feel unwelcome. Over time MN has evolved to be about a lot lot more than parenting, you only have to look at the vast variety of topics to see that. People are attracted to it for its generally articulate posts and high traffic. And some people may be on here because they are planning a baby or are struggling with infertility. Are you saying that when people discuss TV shows for example they only want to do it with fellow parents?

I myself have been on MN for about 8 years and a Mum for 8 months.

Don't ever make a similar comment on another thread - you'll be flamed.

MissWritenow · 02/06/2017 18:52

NBU, but as other posters said, tell the truth to give her the option to save herself from a disaster marriage... Don't expect a friendship and DON'T expect it to make you feel better, chances are she already knows but just didn't know who the OW was - In other words, be warned that your good deed may just make YOU the victim of her hurt/humiliation... Morally, I'd still tell her. Then duck. Good luck!

Faithnotfear · 02/06/2017 18:52

Tell her. I had a cheating boyfriend and subsequently husband, and to his day I wish someone had sent me a message even if anonymous to tell me what a scumbag he was. You will be saving her a lifetime of misery. Sounds like a smarmy git who has also disrespected you let alone his fiancé. He should get what he deserves.

PersianCatLady · 02/06/2017 18:54

Curious as to why your posting on Mumsnet when you don't have children!
You are really going to regret posting that comment because lots of people use this site, not just parents.

clarkl2 · 02/06/2017 18:55

It's 2017 and personally if I was using dating websites I would certainly do my research about someone before I dropped my pants for them!
It's being personally aware I would have thought, rather than have a 1950s Mills and Boon perception of some wonderful man sweeping me up in his arms!

squiz81 · 02/06/2017 18:59

Any update OP? What did you do?

metspengler · 02/06/2017 19:09

I hope it's worked out OP. REMEMBER TO PROTECT YOURSELF FIRST.

I'm also flabbergasted that anyone thinks the OP is doing this for revenge - revenge for what?

I see a lot of people saying they suspect for the OP of being nasty for contemplating telling the truth.

I think the people who look straight past the cheating as if it isn't even wrong to see malice in someone outing them are telling us all a lot about themselves. Never mind their "suspicions" about others, siding instinctively with the cheat speaks volumes in itself.

redladybird · 02/06/2017 19:15

Err yes I would tell her. He used you, he probably does it a lot to women.

SheSaidHeSaid · 02/06/2017 19:20

Curious as to why your posting on Mumsnet when you don't have children!

Are you joking?! It's not a requirement of the site.

Plus there are other people who join who are TTC. Are you going to tell me that because I've failed to fall pregnant that I'm not allowed to be here till my body sorts itself out?

Katie0705 · 02/06/2017 19:20

Cardinal, I am with you. Minni, is doing the right thing by following her moral compass. The trouble with so many societies today is that people often take the easy route out and not address a situation, expecting someone else to deal with it. That poor woman does need to.know, so she can make an informed decision about marriage. As for that twat knowing that Minni was the one to spill the beans, this may or may not be true and depends on how many other women he has shagged recently. Letting people get away with bad things doesn't help anyone really. There is nothing wrong with having the balls and a brass neck to do the right thing.

sammyjayneexx · 02/06/2017 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheSaidHeSaid · 02/06/2017 19:21

Anyway, to the OP, yes I would tell her. You've done nothing wrong but he has.