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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 02/06/2017 16:12

As far as I know there is not one saying 'in a relationship'
Maybe it is because there is an assumption that someone who is in a relationship would not use a dating website.

Either way the OP needs to move on.

I think that she was lucky to find out about this now rather than later and leave it at that.

babykite · 02/06/2017 16:24

100% I would have to tell.
A friend of mine was shagging a man in the back of a club, the fianceé was 39 weeks pregnant with 2 other kids. I got home (was very drunk) messaged the fianceé and told her everything. The guy didn't go home for a week, she was in despair but months later thanked me.

Chancesmommy · 02/06/2017 17:33

No. Leave it. Its not your place,l! call it a one nighter and move on. Im sure its not worth her happiness and if they arent meant to be together, welp their relationship will naturally fissle out without your input. Yes your hurt but yow will get over it in time x

myusernameisnotmyusername · 02/06/2017 17:36

If it was me I would want to know but probably would be in denial at first so make sure you have proof and be prepared for her to be angry with you. But yes she should be told.

clarkl2 · 02/06/2017 17:40

Stop being naive and bitter. If you're stupid enough to sleep with a total stranger on a second date you should put it down to experience and move on!

AyUpMiDuck · 02/06/2017 17:40

Contact her anonymously. Tell her which dating site it is and what his profile name is. Then she can see for herself.

NancyWake · 02/06/2017 17:44

I would so want to know my fiancé was a philanderer before I married him.

He's putting his everyone's sexual health at risk. And if fewer women turned a blind eye to men who cheat, we'd all be the wiser.

damewithaname · 02/06/2017 17:45

Whoops. Wonder how many more he's sleeping with... tell her! Because once she's married and someone tells her, it will break a whole lot of things down for her.

adelicious · 02/06/2017 17:51

Tell her but in a non-confrontational way. Just send her the info and don't get any further involved. She deserves to know and the rest is up to her.

BenAngel · 02/06/2017 17:53

Don't do it, they may have an open relationship - you'll look bad. Maybe she cheated on him and gave him permission, maybe he's getting back at her - you just don't know. The only thing you know for sure is that their relationship is none of your business. Block him, forget about him and keep looking for mr right - telling her benefits you how? If she's madly in love with him, you're just going to make her unhappy (regardless of what you, someone who has nothing to do with them) thinks about their relationship status - this just isn't your business. IMHO :-)

sparkleandsunshine · 02/06/2017 17:55

I would want to know, if he's done it with lots of others too it might come out when they're already married and could be even more devastating. You could save her that

Raspberriesaretheonlyfruit · 02/06/2017 17:56

Doesn't sound like the Op is bitter or vengeful. To be fair she just sounds staggered at his nerve.

Yes, say something. I think the girlfriend should have proof before she marries the liar. She might still go ahead but at least she'll know the truth.

Fanciedachange17 · 02/06/2017 17:57

Tell her absolutely. Take photos of everything relevant and post direct to her. Rip the plaster off quick rather than condemning her to possibly years of pain, lies and gaslighting.

sparechange · 02/06/2017 17:59

ben
If they are in an open relationship, she will say 'oh don't worry. We are in an open relationship'. How is that going to make OP look bad?

And as for it benefiting her? Since when do we only do things in life if they directly benefit us? How selfish is that?

Flypaperforarseholes · 02/06/2017 18:01

Tell her, OP. Email her explaining the whole thing and provide a link to his dating profile. Tell her what she does with the information is entirely her decision and you will not share the information with anyone else, you just thought she should know.

My ex was on several dating sites, shagging around behind my back. I eventually received a letter from one of the women he'd duped and when it all came out, discovered several people I knew well, and a couple I had thought of as friends, had known for months and hadn't told me because "it wasn't their business". Knowing that other people knew, and feeling like an absolute fool as a consequence, was the worst of it for me.

johnmartinday · 02/06/2017 18:04

He's the type who'd infect other women with nasty deseases....
Get the evidence: text messages and his active dating site profile and find a way to show it to his girlfriend. She deserves to know who he really is... if she is the type that wouldn't be bothered or pretend it wasn't happening then why would he hide it from her by meeting you miles away the first time you met?
You could be saving her a lot of pain, tell her!!!!
I am sorry to hear what happened to you. But bring closure to yourself and the other poor woman and expose the rat!
Good luck

cherrybath · 02/06/2017 18:05

Tell her. You're obviously not out for revenge or a bunny boiler. She probably has her suspicions anyway and it is kinder to put her out of her misery before she marries the f*cker... I just hope for her sake that she has no kids...

Katie0705 · 02/06/2017 18:09

Minni, you have nothing to feel stupid about. He has insulted you as much as his fiancé. Drop the bastard in and tell. Both you and his fiancé deserve much better. Don't dwell on it, beat yourself up, its him that is deceitful. Good luck

Childerbeastsx2 · 02/06/2017 18:12

Screenshot and print out his eating profile? If you've round his girlfriend shouldn't be too much of a stretch to find out where she lives and post it?
That way no proof it's you? You're not sending any texts sent/received.
Then delete block block block you've tried to help her see what an utter cockwomble he is but some people wouldn't see a cheat if they had bright neon lights surrounding them flashing "avoid/avoid"
I'm.sorry you've been taken in by this knobber hopefully the next person will treat you better

PolloDePrimavera · 02/06/2017 18:13

She won't like it but you really should tell her OP. She may not thank you at first but she will deep down or after a while. Good luck!

Childerbeastsx2 · 02/06/2017 18:13

Nuts *dating not eating!!!

bumblebee61 · 02/06/2017 18:17

i would definitely want to know if it was me. I would also be quite angry with him that's he's blatantly used you. The trouble is, what if he comes looking for you and makes your life hell as a result ? That poor woman , marrying a shit like that.

Callalily1234 · 02/06/2017 18:24

Tell her. He is not a trustworthy person. She needs to know

AlexRose5 · 02/06/2017 18:26

Slime ball has probably been playing that whole dating sites.
It's obvious to me that ifhe's suddenly not hidding the fact that he's in a relationship he was just using you for sex OP.
Got what he wanted then dropped the pretence.
I think if it was me, I'd screenshot the texts, then send them to his gf, and everyone listed as close to him on his friebds list .
If you were out to be someone's side chick there are sites specifically for them. This bag of crap is basically setting out to reel girls in then drop them when he gets his bit. Clown. Out him!!

DaddyFirstTime · 02/06/2017 18:28

Curious as to why your posting on Mumsnet when you don't have children!
He was wrong, he's a scumbag, agree agree, but you seem a bit of a jobsworth
Give him to ultimatum, leave the poor women out of it, it shouldn't come from you!!