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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 12:12

Stop trying to twist things around to suit your own agenda.

It's hardly "twisting things around" to respond directly to what you've said.

You are stating that if someone doesn't check if someone they've started seeing who has declared themselves single is actually single or not by meeting friends/family they either don't care or are gullible and naive. Bizarre.

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 12:13

How should they make sure they're not carrying an STD? Demand a doctor's note?

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 12:15

Coming from someone who thinks that meeting friends and family is the way to ensure someone is single?

Coming from someone who thinks getting to know someone's life before sleeping with them means you are less likely to be duped vs. meeting with a stranger off the internet and not knowing anything about them.

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 12:16

meeting with a stranger off the internet and not knowing anything about them.

Or rather meeting someone from an internet dating site who declared themselves single and it would be fair to assume is looking for a partner, talking to them for three weeks, going on a date then arranging to meet again.

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 12:17

The only way to ensure a man is not lying to you, is for the man to choose not to lie to you.

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 12:19

You are stating that if someone doesn't check if someone they've started seeing who has declared themselves single is actually single or not by meeting friends/family they either don't care or are gullible and naive. Bizarre.

I don't think it is bizarre at all to suggest that it is gullible/naive to not realise that strangers on the internet may not be all they seem and that the more you know about people and their lives the less likely you are to be duped.

Bunnyfuller · 02/06/2017 12:20

Tell her. She needs to know what a scumbag she's planning to marry. If he can't stay faithful now the relationship is already fucked. What an arsehole. Don't blame yourself, but look out for your heart, getting besotted so quickly! Condoms protect your foof but otherwise you knew nothing about him.

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 12:21

Or rather meeting someone from an internet dating site who declared themselves single and it would be fair to assume is looking for a partner, talking to them for three weeks, going on a date then arranging to meet again.

As many people have pointed out it is easy for someone to lie and some people do. If you want to assume that there are no lying bastards out there it is up to you..

AlphabetSoup3 · 02/06/2017 12:22

I'd want to know. I really don't understand anyone who wouldn't. This woman is about to commit to him - get married - possibly have kids.

Wouldn't anyone here want to know?

sparechange · 02/06/2017 12:22

The internet thing is a real red herring. You are no more likely to know the background and relationship status of someone you meet in the pub, in a club or in the work canteen

AlphabetSoup3 · 02/06/2017 12:24

I also can't see how you are in any way to blame. You didn't know. When he told you. You didn't pursue it. Not your fault.

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 12:28

I disagree that you would be invited round to friends/family /neighbours after a couple of dates.

I said a few dates, not a couple.

A lot of people with children do not want to introduce a new boyfriend early on.

I'm not talking about children. I'm talking about other friends/family. I would expect to meet some after a few dates and always have.

I'll say it again, I knew someone who married a man after being with him many years, meeting his family many, many times and he still lied to her.

I didn't say it was impossible to lie. I just said it would be less easy to get away with it. Anyway, he presumably didn't manage to fool her into thinking he was single when he wasn't which is what we are talking about.

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 12:35

I'm talking about other friends/family. I would expect to meet some after a few dates and always have

No way on earth would I be introducing anyone to my friends and family after a few dates.

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 12:43

No way on earth would I be introducing anyone to my friends and family after a few dates.

That's up to you. My relationships have obviously been very different to yours.

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 12:46

That's up to you. My relationships have obviously been very different to yours.

Yes, different people do things differently. Who'd have thought.

PollyPerky · 02/06/2017 12:47

When you sign up for OLD you choose 1 box to tick:
single
separated
divorced
widowed

As far as I know there is not one saying 'in a relationship' .

So he was right all along.

Whether he was morally right is another matter . But he was and is not married or living with anyone (we assume.)

In the days before the internet, and OLD, this kind of thing would still occur, but the option to stalk the man's girlfriend or wife wasn't there unless you followed him home (and they lived together.) Women just swore to high heaven, gave themselves a talking to for being duped, and moved on, letting the bastard get on with his life. I think that is better.

Anyway- the OP has long disappeared from this thread so what is the point 'advising her' now?

Cuppaoftea · 02/06/2017 12:48

This guy lives close by and has a very public fiance. The Op and her friend found out her identity easily online and the Op knows of the woman locally.

Neither the girlfriend or anyone else in RL is actually likely to believe the Op didn't know he was engaged to her before meeting up with him. If the Op protests otherwise and says she online stalked this woman to find out her identity, contact details and place of work the Op will come across as creepy and obsessed and won't be believed anyway.

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 12:52

Yes, different people do things differently. Who'd have thought.

I didn't suggest otherwise. I just suggested that some ways of doing things are more likely to lead to being duped than others.

Brogadoccio · 02/06/2017 12:55

I have found that some of my married friends attribute any lack of interest from a man, any hesitancy replying, any change of heart, any bad behaviour, any anything to ''he's probably married''. To my knowledge I've never dated anybody married. Although I did suss out a few in the v early stages of messaging.

I think if somebody sets out to present themselves as single, whether you met through work or in a bar, it could easily get to the point of three weeks before the truth would come out.

He sounds like an entitled arsehole and if the op is secretly reading I would tell his fiancee. No way is it for the best to exist in that level of ignorance. Not a one off, it's worse, he is deliberately seeking to misrepresent himself as a single man and just merrily use women.

CardinalCat · 02/06/2017 12:56

When you sign up for OLD you choose 1 box to tick:
single
separated
divorced
widowed

So, which one did he tick then, Polly? 'Single'?

'So he was right all along'. Seriously, are you on crack?

The amount of victim blaming shite pouring out of your mouth is laughable.

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 12:59

So he was right all along.

It's quite something the lengths you're going to in your desperation to excuse a man who's been cheating on his partner. Suggesting he was "right" to describe himself as single is risible.

letting the bastard get on with his life. I think that is better.

Yes, letting him "get on with his life" and marry an unsuspecting woman who is besotted with him and has no idea he's going out of his way to cheat on her.

PollyPerky · 02/06/2017 13:05

Stop putting words into my mouth and choosing to quote selectively NoLove

The OP banged on about his profile saying he was 'single'. I am not defending his behaviour. I said he had ,legally if you want to be that, correct. I also said morally it might not be right. So don't have a go at me when you only read part of the post.

The point- if you are too dim to get it- is that women should not take a man ticking the 'single' box on an OLD site to mean all they think it means.

And yes, along with many other posters here, I am in the Don't Tell camp. We have no idea what his GF does and thinks. best not to interfere in people's lives.

CardinalCat · 02/06/2017 13:06

Also, the OP is long disappeared from this thread because instead of support, she has had a load of absolute nonsense spewed about how it was all her own stupid slaggy fault. Horrid.

OP, I hope you are lurking, you sound great and I hope you're not too upset. You can't lose here really, you either tell the girl and get it off your chest, or you keep it to yourself, because you owe her no duty. Either way, you are well shot of Mr Walking STi. Take care. x

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 13:12

The point- if you are too dim to get it- is that women should not take a man ticking the 'single' box on an OLD site to mean all they think it means.

You have quite a low opinion of men I take it? Your pedantry on whether he was accurate in declaring himself "single" (he wasn't, no-one would describe themselves as "single" whilst in a long term relationship unless trying to con others) is also ridiculous.

We have no idea what his GF does and thinks.

I doubt she'd be too happy the man she seems to be besotted with is going out of his way to cheat on her.

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 13:14

I said he had ,legally if you want to be that, correct.

I'm not sure you should be suggesting I'm "dim" having written the above sentence.

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