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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
HildaOg · 02/06/2017 11:35

Jessie, I already explained what I said. Stop putting words in my mouth. I didn't say they had to do background checks, I said if it's important to them to fuck someone who is single that they should get to know them first. You can't fuck strangers and claim to be a victim because they're not who you imagined them to be.

It's not 'victim blaming' to tell someone to be wary of strangers online and if it's important that you're only fucking certain types, then to get to know them so they are what you want. It's just common sense to engage your brain.

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 11:36

By meeting friends/family, seeing where he lives etc.

That's not going to get you far. I assume you've read the Relationships board here.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/06/2017 11:37

He didn't tell you he was single - you just assumed.

Well yeah, people generally assume that someone is single if they're on a dating site and they state they're single. Confused

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 11:38

You can't fuck strangers and claim to be a victim because they're not who you imagined them to be.

As it's been pointed out to you, she didn't conjur his relationship status out of her own imagination.

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 11:40

That's not going to get you far. I assume you've read the Relationships board here.

Oh come on. It's not full proof but much easier to work out if someone is single or not if you have seen some of their life vs. meeting them via the internet, and then going on a date miles away from your homes and not meeting their friends/family or seeing where they live.

LottieandMia · 02/06/2017 11:40

Why would women pretend to be a man? It's not going to happen.

Stop the mansplaining it's sickening,

LottieandMia · 02/06/2017 11:41

I'm going to hide this thread. The level of internalised misogyny is vomit inducing.

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 11:42

I'm not sure many people, single or otherwise, will be introducing you to copious numbers of their friends or family on the second date.

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 11:42

It's not full proof

So how far do you go? At what point would YOU be satisfied a woman had done all she could to ensure a man wasn't lying to her?

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 11:44

they're not who you imagined them to be.

No-one imagined anything. The man in question was on a dating site declaring he was single before meeting up for a date with the OP.

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 11:45

If women routinely checked up on men, badgered them to meet friends and family and so forth, doubted they were single, they'd probably be accused of being needy, crazy, paranoid, suspicious of poor men etc.

Cuppaoftea · 02/06/2017 11:46

The Op and her friend appear to have been able to find out rather a lot about his girlfriend with a few clicks online.

I'd say from the original Op he made it pretty clear before the second date he was only interested in meeting up for sex. Fine the Op was up for casual sex too, don't then start stalking his girlfriend when it doesn't become something more.

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 11:50

don't then start stalking his girlfriend when it doesn't become something more.

It's hardly because it didn't "become something more", rather that the OP discovered this man was cheating on his partner.

Vroomster · 02/06/2017 11:50

Maybe her Facebook page isn't well hidden. Some are very public.

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 11:55

So how far do you go? At what point would YOU be satisfied a woman had done all she could to ensure a man wasn't lying to her?

Personally, I would go as far as I have just said. i.e. if I wanted to be sure that someone was single before sleeping with them I would get to know some friend (not just one male by the way), maybe family and certainly visit their house. Again, I'm not saying that a woman should care or that it is her responsibility to care, just what I would do if I did.

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 11:57

Suggesting a woman doesn't care whether someone she's sleeping with is single or not because she doesn't meet their family first is ridiculous.

sadie9 · 02/06/2017 11:59

I wouldn't tell her. He will know it was you. You don't know this guy, he could get nasty back. Or the girlfriend could get nasty. I know you are upset but do you need any more aggro in your life right now?
Just accept that men are selfish, cheating, lying bastards and move on. Hope you get a better deal next time!

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 11:59

If women routinely checked up on men, badgered them to meet friends and family and so forth, doubted they were single, they'd probably be accused of being needy, crazy, paranoid, suspicious of poor men etc.

You don't have to obviously "doubt that they are single" or go to great lengths to insist that you meet a few of their friends or see where they live. It's something that you would happen naturally without insistence within a few dates if someone likes you though surely?

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 12:00

Again, I'm not saying that a woman should care or that it is her responsibility to care, just what I would do if I did

So if she doesn't do what you would do, you would assume she just doesn't care if he's single or not?

lanouvelleheloise · 02/06/2017 12:00

This thread is really, REALLY strange. The contrarians are out in force, and common sense seems to have flown out of the window...

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 12:06

Suggesting a woman doesn't care whether someone she's sleeping with is single or not because she doesn't meet their family first is ridiculous.

I am not suggesting that a women doesn't care if doesn't meet friends and family ffs.Hmm She may care very much but just be naive about the fact that some people are total bastards and portray themselves as single when they are not as in OP's case. Stop trying to twist things around to suit your own agenda.

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 12:08

So if she doesn't do what you would do, you would assume she just doesn't care if he's single or not?

I would assume that she either doesn't care that much (which I think is fine by the way as it's not her responsibility) or she is as gullible and naive as you and some other posters on this thread apparently are.

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 12:10

Coming from someone who thinks that meeting friends and family is the way to ensure someone is single?

Vroomster · 02/06/2017 12:12

Meeting friends and family doesn't ensure anyone is single. People can have two entirely separate lives.

emilybrontescorset · 02/06/2017 12:12

I disagree that you would be invited round to friends/family /neighbours after a couple of dates.
A lot of people with children do not want to introduce a new boyfriend early on.
I'll say it again, I knew someone who married a man after being with him many years, meeting his family many, many times and he still lied to her.
This is not the ops fault- stop victim blaming.

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