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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 02/06/2017 08:55

hiim I really don't give a toss if posters disagree with me. Unless you have done a tally, then I'd argue that the tell/ don't tell is around 2//3rds to 1/3rds so hardly unanimous. I have read the thread from start to finish as it happens.

Yes I know perfectly well how Facebook works. thanks.

Giddyaunt18 · 02/06/2017 08:56

Leave an envelope at her place of work with a print out of his profile. Anonymous, gets to the point and she won't know it's from you.

HildaOg · 02/06/2017 09:17

Lottie; that's not true, a large proportion of profiles on dating sites are catfish ones which use pictures retrieved from the internet. It's not uncommon. I've had someone set up a fake profile using my pictures and was using it to chat to men. I only found out when my friend came acrross it and we played along to see what he was up to. Yes, it was a he🙄

People online are often not as presented and anyone can use your image, there's plenty of batshit crazies out there. Unless op has evidence that directly links him, evidence that couldn't be fabricated... Then the fiance will believe the person she knows and trusts. Most people do.

The big risk though is that these people are strangers, she doesn't know their reputation, how either one will respond,
what they're capable of... It's foolish to assume that there'll be no blowback. There may not be but there's always that possibility. In the unlikely event she succeeds in splitting them up, she'll have a strange man who knows where she lives looking for revenge. Lots of people aren't nice. There's no evidence he's nice. She may receive a response that she regrets.

JessieMcJessie · 02/06/2017 09:38

HildaOg are you seriously suggesting that when two people meet and start dating, the responsibility is on the woman to do background checks to ensure that the man really is single? Yes, if alarm bells ring then of course do a bit of digging but it's a sad world when the default is not to believe what anyone says about their relationship status. But to mention victim blaming to suggest it's OP's own fault for not checking.

OP my sense is that you are pissed off with what happened but not really seeing it as such a big deal that you inadvertently shagged a bloke with a fiancée- for yourself you just chalk it up to experience and never go anywhere near the ratbag ever again. I can't believe all these people who think you are trying to get revenge. It is insulting to you to suggest you'd be so affected by what was in essence a ONS with someone you now don't want to see again.

To me it's clear that your concern for his fiancée is well intentioned.

I'd say post something to her work, mark it Private and Confidential. Don't go there or hand it in or use email that could be traced back to you or might never be read.

Neverknowing · 02/06/2017 09:47

Wow this thread has been massively derailed!
In my opinion you need to tell her, she has the right to make her own decision about whether or not she should marry him. He will continue to do this and she will find out? Surely it's better before she's married ?! You see threads on here all the time about how a woman is divorcing her beating husband who they've just found out was cheating way before they were married, it's so sad. It'll be so much harder for her to break up with him when she's married with kids as well!
Even if your intentions were revenge (which I don't think they are) i think that's besides the point, this woman deserves to know about this bastard.

HildaOg · 02/06/2017 09:54

Jessie; I never said that. People can fuck who they want. I said that if something is important to you, if it's important that your fucking someone who's single/shares political ideals/is employed... It's up to you to get to know them well enough to ensure that before fucking them. You can't fuck a stranger and then complain they're not what you imagined. I was very clear in what I said so don't put words in my mouth.

LottieandMia · 02/06/2017 09:58

'Lottie; that's not true, a large proportion of profiles on dating sites are catfish ones which use pictures retrieved from the internet. It's not uncommon. I've had someone set up a fake profile using my pictures and was using it to chat to men. '

It's common for men to use women's pictures but it's not common for women to use men's pictures.

SuburbanRhonda · 02/06/2017 10:05

He didn't tell you he was single - you just assumed.

trifle, did you not read the OP's post where she she says he is listed on the OLD site as single?

No assumptions made there.

LottieandMia · 02/06/2017 10:07

No wonder so many men behave like shits towards the women they're dating if so many women, like the ones on this thread think they're entitled to.

Neverknowing · 02/06/2017 10:11

Also, I think it's fair to assume a man is single if he's on a dating site, chats you up and sexts you. If my DP did this he'd sure as hell be single.

HildaOg · 02/06/2017 10:11

Lottie; Are you serious? Women are just as likely to catfish as men are. Stop making things up.

supermoon100 · 02/06/2017 10:30

Tell her. I would defo want to know

SuperFlyHigh · 02/06/2017 10:30

I presume when meeting and dating men who advertise as single online that they are single.

If they want to be dishonest shits that's up to them but how should I or any other women dating check this out otherwise?!! We're not Mystic Megs!

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 10:42

There is so much extrapolation going on in this thread. Noone is saying the man isn't a cheating scumbag who deserves all he gets and noone is saying that OP is in the wrong. Some people are just pointing out the need to be aware that strangers on the internet may not be as they same. Therefore, if it is important to you that you do not sleep with someone who is attached then you need to be careful before sleeping with them. This doesn't involve a "background check" ffs. Just a few things such as not meeting them miles from where either of you live, meeting their friends, seeing where they live etc will give a clue. The same applies to telling his girlfriend. OP doesn't know him or what he is capable of so there is a risk particularly as he has already demonstrated that he doesn't care much who he hurts.

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 10:44

You can't fuck a stranger and then complain they're not what you imagined.

She didn't imagine he was single. That's how he presented himself. In black and white. And yeah, you're allowed to complain about that.

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 10:46

If they want to be dishonest shits that's up to them but how should I or any other women dating check this out otherwise?!! We're not Mystic Megs!

They don't need to check if they don't care whether or not he is single. I don't think that anyone is suggesting that they should care but If they do and will be upset to find the person they have slept with they need to check, not because their responsibility but because they will be the ones who are hurt. Isn't that obvious??

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 10:50

How would you check, roomster?

ittakes2 · 02/06/2017 10:58

Since he told you he had a girlfriend - is there a chance they have an open relationship?

PollyPerky · 02/06/2017 11:13

It's very naive to assume men and women who say they are single on dating sites really are. (Anyway, he WAS single- he just had a girlfriend! Single means not married.)

I think what has changed over the years since I was single, is that people can date anyone anywhere simply by the click of a mouse.

In the 'old days' you tended to meet people through work, friends, clubs etc within a small area, so someone usually knew something about them. This isn't to say that married men never posed as single- they did and I was caught out myself once by such a person- but didn't sleep with him as it happened.

The problem with OLD is that anyone can say anything about themselves and unless you run a check - 192.com, electoral roll, Facebook, google search, etc - you can never be sure they are what you say and even then the info you glean is minimal.

PollyPerky · 02/06/2017 11:15

To be pedantic, he IS single. I don't think OLD gives you the option of 'betrothed'.

JessieMcJessie · 02/06/2017 11:17

HildaOg are you seriously suggesting that when two people meet and start dating, the responsibility is on the woman to do background checks to ensure that the man really is single? Yes, if alarm bells ring then of course do a bit of digging but it's a sad world when the default is not to believe what anyone says about their relationship status. But to mention victim blaming to suggest it's OP's own fault for not checking.

OP my sense is that you are pissed off with what happened but not really seeing it as such a big deal that you inadvertently shagged a bloke with a fiancée- for yourself you just chalk it up to experience and never go anywhere near the ratbag ever again. I can't believe all these people who think you are trying to get revenge. It is insulting to you to suggest you'd be so affected by what was in essence a ONS with someone you now don't want to see again.

To me it's clear that your concern for his fiancée is well intentioned.

I'd say post something to her work, mark it Private and Confidential. Don't go there or hand it in or use email that could be traced back to you or might never be read.

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 11:20

How would you check, roomster?

By meeting friends/family, seeing where he lives etc. Meeting up several miles from where either of you lives is suspicious if there isn't a good reason for it. Again, I'm not saying people should do checks if they don't care but if they do, it is wise to get to know a bit more about someone before sleeping with them.

NoLoveofMine · 02/06/2017 11:22

To be pedantic, he IS single.

No he's not. No-one would seriously think someone in a long term relationship with a partner is "single".

My dictionary says "unmarried, unwed, unattached" anyway.

Roomster101 · 02/06/2017 11:28

In the 'old days' you tended to meet people through work, friends, clubs etc within a small area, so someone usually knew something about them. This isn't to say that married men never posed as single- they did and I was caught out myself once by such a person- but didn't sleep with him as it happened.

Exactly. I dated long before the days of the internet and although some married men did try to pose as single it was much harder for them to pull it off as you generally met people via friends of friends etc. It must be really easy to pull the wool over people's eyes nowadays with the internet, particularly as some people seem so naive.

emilybrontescorset · 02/06/2017 11:34

Op- I would tell her, I would send her ( with photos/screenshots) details of his onind profile, complete with the description of him being single. I would also tell her that you have had sex with him believing him to be single. Tell her the date and time.
Them it's upto her what she does.
I also believe that if someone is on a dating site and states they are single then tnus means they do not have a girlfriend. When I was old there was a section for you to state your marital status pled it also asked how long your longest relationship had been.
You have done nothing wrong.
As an aside I knew someone who married telling the other person they were wife number 2( a lie) and that they had no children ( a lie). All his friends and family knew but nobody told her. So assuming that people will tell you about someones past is wrong.