Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 21:55

I agree that the messenger is often shot. However, the GF will at least see he is on a dating profile.

MommaGee · 01/06/2017 22:09

He did lie. His profile stated single. He isnt single

BlondeB83 · 01/06/2017 22:23

Tell her, then it's her choice what to do knowing the full facts.

Ethylred · 01/06/2017 23:03

Do you want to do this for her sake, or for yours? Because maybe you'll break her heart by telling her.

LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 23:27

I can't believe some people would rather live a lie than have their heart broken.

HildaOg · 02/06/2017 01:17

Anybody can set up a fake dating profile of someone by taking their photos from Facebook. He will say that op is his stalker, that she set the profile up. Chances are she's going to believe her fiance over a stranger.

I don't believe you care about her. You want revenge on him because you believed he cared and as soon as he slept with you, he made it clear you were just sex. That you would even consider showing up at her workplace shows that at best, you so badly want to hurt him that you don't care about the impact you have on her. But it does suggest a part of you is trying to hurt her. Otherwise you wouldn't have considered such a nasty surprise for her in her place of work!

People online aren't always as presented. You can fuck whoever you want but you have no right to complain when you fuck a stranger and they're not what you wanted them to be.

If it's important that they're single/professional/employed/non drug user/in political agreement with you or whatever you consider important then it's your responsibility to get to know them first and verify they are who and what you want them to be.

Inserting yourself further here isn't going to make you feel better and could end very badly for you. This stranger knows where you live. Just as you didn't know he had a girlfriend, you dont know what his history is or what he's capable of. Or what she's capable of for that matter.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 02/06/2017 03:40

Any update OP?
I hope you are ok? I think you have had a rough ride on here. It is clear you thought this might lead to a relationship, he is clearly skilled at his patter and leading women to think they are important in his life. Sadly, I doubt you are the first of a long line so whether you used protection or not I would get to a family planning clinic for a test. If you are shy about that many GP surgeries can hand you a free test over the reception. desk which you pee on for almost immediate results - usually without an appointment needed.
The main reason I would want to contact this women is because she has potentially been exposed to a number of sexual infections for a number of years which could lead to infertility.
I fully support your contacting her via email or Facebook. If you do use Facebook you face going into her "other" box so I would recommend a friend request and perhaps use an image (which you can make for free on picmonkey - I will make it for you if need be) that is purely text saying "Your fiancé NAME slept with me DATE this info is horrible but you need to know". This sounds drastic but it could be the only way to contact her for sure. Make a 200-500 word, succinct message and send it, with messages and don't engage further

Something like

"This will be horrible to hear and no doubt denied. I joined OLD site name in month and eventually ended up messaging your fiancé. He appeared on the site as single, he made sure to tell me he was unattached. We chatted for a while, which led to meeting at location name and after a couple of weeks we slept together. Immediately after we slept together he told me he had a girlfriend.
I know my contacting you is heartbreaking but I have reason to believe I am not the first woman to be in this situation and I fear for your exposure to sexually transmitted infections. I am sorry I have had to contact you in this manner but please know everything I have told you is true and my heart breaks for you.

Good luck OP

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/06/2017 03:52

I'm also flabbergasted that anyone thinks the OP is doing this for revenge - revenge for what? Confused

I would tell the GF because I know I would want to know if the boot was on the other foot, and I assume most women would. Clearly there are some who would rather live the lie than have their dreamworld shattered; but most people I know would rather have the truth!

AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/06/2017 06:11

I keep thinking maybe I should message him and say something.... anything!!! But what? I feel so stupid as it is!

Well yes. Something like "As your a cheating wanker who didnt bother to tell him you had a fiancé. It's over" should suffice.

When me and the Ex were still together, a man still asked me out even when he saw my wedding ring and I told him I was flattered but bo thanks, I'm happily married. Him: "It's ok. I don't mind that you're married". Pretty sure my then Husband did! Hmm

These sort of men always think with their dicks.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/06/2017 06:12

*me not him

angryladyboobs · 02/06/2017 06:16

Please tell her. And tell her you didn't have a clue till afterwards.

But expect her to blame you and call you awful names. She will initially lash out at you but if you're honest with her, hopefully she will see sense.

Also screen shot a photo of his dating profile and get a link to it.

TroutySnouts · 02/06/2017 06:45

Tellhertellhertelhertellher

TheWitchwithNoName · 02/06/2017 06:53

I'd want to know OP

coconuttella · 02/06/2017 06:58

Keira

Your suggested words are just right... I would have thought most people who received that would be unlikely to believe their fiancé's protestations, or blame the writer.

artycakemaker · 02/06/2017 06:59

Away ... I was amazed in the first couple of years of my marriage how often i was propositioned by married men (all of whom we knew as friends or acquaintances etc). I thought that they must consider you 'safe' if you are married because they think you have as much to lose as them. It really very deeply shocked me. Seriously- 5-6 times by different scumbags.

And yes, if it were me I would want to know.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/06/2017 07:14

Yes artycakemaker I think that's what it was too. We were at a friends party once, was dancing with friends and one of his friends propositioned me whilst my husband sat right there, YARDS away from him. I think they see it as extra points in the bellend conquests competition.

I'm quite indifferent now, was recently waiting for the tram when someone asked me out, I said no without looking up from my phone at him, could have been Brad Pitt for all I knew! Grin dick was probably already taken anyway!

OP I think you need to seriously consider your reasons for telling his fiancé before you do. Are you going it purely to warn her? Or are you doing it to scorn him? Because you know you'll get blamed don't you? He'll say you came on to him, that he accidentally on purpose had sex with you and that you're just a stalker. Showing up at her workplace will just reinforce that point. You'll get hell and be the slag and she'll forgive his philandering ways because after all the church is already booked and he's promised he won't drive fifteen miles out the way for another conquest shag again.

Essentially, in my ramblings, I'm trying to say yes she should be told but be prepared for the fallout being all on you if you do tell her.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/06/2017 07:15

PollyPerky the man told her the OP he had a GF.

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 07:28

Some people are tying themselves up in knots to claim he never lied. I wonder why that is?

He did lie. His profile said he was single. He was not single. That is a lie.

OP, she won't believe you. I've seen threads on here before where women have received tipoffs from people they don't know that their partner is cheating. They have to decide whether to believe a stranger (even with proof) of the person they love - who is probably gaslighting the hell out of them.

That doesn't have to stop you, though. Do what you think is the right thing to do.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/06/2017 07:33

Some people are tying themselves up in knots to claim he never lied. I wonder why that is?

Well of course he lied by saying he was single. But people are pointing out that it should have ended there and then the minute the scrote told the OP he had a GF.

OP sounds understandably wounded, but people are just rightfully telling her to be prepared for the fallout she'll get from it.

PollyPerky · 02/06/2017 07:44

Away I can read! I know he told her he had a GF. But she went into Sherlock mode and asked a friend to track him down on Facebook, and this friend supposedly found him and evidence that he had a GF who was in fact a fiance, and when the wedding was, and somehow they found out she works in a supermarket and which supermarket too. Well done for being super sleuths! If in fact it's for real.

That seems an awful lot of bother to go to . I understand why but feel it's fuelled more by being 'had' (ha ha) than a desire to be sisterly. And not really thinking about the come back- he knows where she lives and will know who did it, unless there are dozens of other women falling for his charm.

TheStoic · 02/06/2017 08:23

But people are pointing out that it should have ended there and then the minute the scrote told the OP he had a GF.

I don't understand what you mean. It did end then, didn't it?

hiimmumma · 02/06/2017 08:24

@PollyPerky
If you read most of the replies you will see that you are mainly disagreed with. Even by the OP who is the only one really that knows what is fueling her desire to tell the fiancé.

It's really easy to track someone down on FB and find out all the info if it's available. Where they work and relationship status in particular.
Anyway she already says she knows of her so already knew who she was anyway.

But it's all moot because she should 100% tell the fiancée. Not for revenge (not sure what she would be getting revenge for, and even if it was what is the problem with that anyway?!) but to save the poor girl from marrying a scumbag cheater.

She doesn't seem like the sort of person that would be stung by a one night stand.

He is a liar. He lied to op, he is lying to his fiancée and he should be called up on it. If he is on a dating website of course there have been other women too!!!

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 02/06/2017 08:24

If you tell her just be aware that he knows where you live and clearly you don't know him very well.

Jupitar · 02/06/2017 08:35

If OP sets up a fb profile, does anyone know how to avoid it going into the 'other' box?

Good point, best way is to leave a comment on their page saying I've pm'd you, please check your messages

LottieandMia · 02/06/2017 08:49

'He will say that op is his stalker, that she set the profile up. '

Well if he does he's going to look crazy. The guy is (presumably) not a celebrity so even if he did have a stalker there's a high chance it would be because he's had sex with that person.