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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 17:40

I think the fact he knows where you live is something to be a bit wary of. But you could tell her anonymously.

Giddyaunt18 · 01/06/2017 17:41

An email has a link back to you. you know where she works. Send or drop off an anonymous letter with details of the website and his phone number . There is no come back to you then. You haven't done anything wrong so just ignore the prudes on here.

PollyPerky · 01/06/2017 17:45

I don't understand why this guy was so honest in the end! I mean who would say they were off to see a girlfrend? And if he wanted a shag why not use Tinder instead of waiting 3 weeks chatting and then DTD?

I hate to say this but I wonder if this is for real OP?
You were very silly to ask a man, after 1 date, to your house, then to get drunk and have sex. If you have been doing OLD you ought to know the risks and the advice of meeting in public places for at least a while.

I don't think you were wrong to have sex on date 2, but I do think you were silly to invite him home and get drunk, putting yourself at risk.

It is clear though that you gave him the come-on; it was only when you became suggestive and he knew you were offering sex that he decided to see you again.

I know you feel sorry for his GF but I also think you need to really think hard about whether feeling hurt is part of the reason you want to tell her.

The point is- you don't know the other side. So playing judge and jury is not your place.

LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 17:51

It's not playing judge and jury though, is it? It's giving someone the heads up that their fiancé is not marriage material.

There are lots of manipulative men online who can appear to be something they're not. I'm sure most of us have been hit on by married men/men in relationships at one time or another. I've read that half of men who use online dating sites are not single. So although I hope this is genuine the scenario is probably common.

AlwaysCcakeTime · 01/06/2017 18:05

@Minnievintage I won't be back to this thread as I really can't read any more posters tying themselves into pretzels trying to excuse this mans bad behaviour.

As I said I've been the messenger before, not because I had an axe to grind or liked the drama. I thought long & hard each time, but I know if it was me I'd want to know and I would hope that someone would have enough respect for me to tell me.

Either way good luck, there are good and decent men out there.

AntagonyAunt · 01/06/2017 18:28

He set up a dating profile using his real name? Could it not be easily found through a Google search?
What a brazen arsewipe.

PollyPerky · 01/06/2017 18:32

It's not playing judge and jury though, is it? It's giving someone the heads up that their fiancé is not marriage material.

Do you know what 'judge and jury 'means? It means passing judgement. The very fact you have decided this man is not marriage material is making a personal judgement.

Not a 'heads up'.

Catherinebee85 · 01/06/2017 18:35

If it were me I'd want to know. Save a divorce and a lot of heartache a few years down the line.

morecoffeeplz · 01/06/2017 18:39

I would tell her. Poor woman marrying a walking lying sti!! Why watch another woman ruin her life and probably have a family with this loser when you can save her and any children a lot of heart ache in the future. I would want to know

gunsandbanjos · 01/06/2017 18:42

I'll add to the chorus of please tell her, and ignore the frigid judgemental posts.
If I was his GF I'd want to know he was shagging around!

LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 18:43

But Polly, the guy is clearly a cheat. I would want to know this before I spent a lot emotionally and financially on a wedding, wouldn't you?

I once came across a guy who misrepresented himself as single. After a while I noticed that he referred to himself as 'we'instead of 'I'. I looked him up on Facebook to see he was engaged. When I confronted him about it he said 'I can't help the situation. It shouldn't matter' 😖.

I don't think there is much room for misunderstanding in this case personally

thistlewine · 01/06/2017 18:57

She might already know. Not nessesarilly that he's actively cheating but she might know he's not marriage material. For all we know she was the ow herself once.
Only saying that as I was engaged, my fiance was on dating sites and cheating with a woman he knew also. I found out and ended the engagement and now he's engaged to the ow, to be married at Christmas funnily enough. I wouldn't be surprised if he's on dating sites/cheating again.
Anyway I would tell her as I would want to know.

Giddyaunt18 · 01/06/2017 19:00

Plenty of people on here playing judge and jury with OP's behaviour which was her choice, she is single and free to sleep with whoever she wants. Her question is whether to contact the GF not whether you approve!

indigox · 01/06/2017 19:00

He didn't lie. He just didn't tell her the whole truth.

If your DH cheated on you would you take the same stance? He didn't lie about where he was, he just didn't tell you he was having sex with someone else there?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 01/06/2017 19:45

Tell her!

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 19:51

indigox

No. He lied to his fiancée, but not to the OP.

Roomster101 · 01/06/2017 19:56

Plenty of people on here playing judge and jury with OP's behaviour which was her choice, she is single and free to sleep with whoever she wants.

She absolutely is free to sleep with who she wants and I don't think anyone has suggested otherwise. All some people are saying that if it would upset you to sleep with someone and then later find out they have a girlfriend/wife then it's wise to be aware that some people on dating websites are not all they seem.

happypoobum · 01/06/2017 20:00

Well I would definitely want to be told. Am shocked at some of the responses you have had OP Shock

I like the idea of sending a print out of his profile to her work as I agree she may well either ignore an email or it will go to spam and she will just delete in bulk.

chelseapritch · 01/06/2017 20:08

Op- yes I would tell her, without a doubt, I know I would want to know if my DH was cheating on me. Definitely do not go to the work place though, that's like rubbing salt in the wounds! As for others saying you're in the wrong, my god please ignore them, he had 3 damn weeks to tell you he was engaged, except he told you after he got what he wanted, a shag. Dirty dog.

WellThatSucks · 01/06/2017 20:25

Trifle Don't be obtuse. He lied to OP and everyone else on the dating site when he checked 'single' on his profile. He also lied by omission by failing to mention he had a gf through several weeks of texting and 2 dates with the OP. A lie of omission is still a lie be it made to your nearest and dearest or the most casual of acquaintances.

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 20:35

WellThatSucks

I think the OP made an assumption. I am not being obtuse.

changingmylifecompletely28489 · 01/06/2017 21:06

Tough one! He knows where you life, you never know how crazy he is.
On the other hand that woman is marrying an asshole....

changingmylifecompletely28489 · 01/06/2017 21:06

Live ffs...

WellErrr · 01/06/2017 21:13

He didn't lie. He just didn't tell her the whole truth.

It's called 'lying by omission.' It is lying.

PollyPerky · 01/06/2017 21:16

If she tells the GF the odds are the messenger will be shot.
The GF will want to believer her fiance.
She will accuse the OP of leading him on.

I wouldn't trust Facebook and a friend hunting him down anyway. maybe he does have a GF maybe it's not his fiance. How does someone learn all of this from social media which could be out of date? It's not a reliable source. And how does she know where the GF works?