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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
coconuttella · 01/06/2017 16:24

What kind of scumbag has sex with someone and then says to her he's off to see his girlfriend! You should tell her!

muckypup73 · 01/06/2017 16:27

I hope you used some protection

AlwaysCcakeTime · 01/06/2017 16:29

You're really stretching there now aren't you?

At the end of it the person in the wrong is the one who has done wrong. The OP is not a child, she did nothing wrong, as much as you're trying to make out she did.

I'll repeat the question you've been ignoring Why should it be the OP's responsibility to 'to check that they aren't attached in the first place.', surely it's the lying cheating scumbags responsibility to not be a lying cheating scumbag. . . . .

HornyTortoise · 01/06/2017 16:31

Why should it be the OP's responsibility to 'to check that they aren't attached in the first place.', surely it's the lying cheating scumbags responsibility to not be a lying cheating scumbag

Indeed. Can't imagine asking everyone that I slept with if they had a partner?! And they would probably lie anyway if they did. This guy is an utter wanker, I feel so sorry for his fiance.

Starsandwishes · 01/06/2017 16:31

If it was me I would be thinking about sending a link. Of his profile for that website. But also i would be worried about him knowing where I live.

nannybeach · 01/06/2017 16:32

Not your business, the girlfriend might know what he is like,. If she doesnt she probably wont belive you. You are not their marriage guidance councellor.Chalk it up to experience, and move on. I had a DF who always said she would want to know if her BF was cheating, a good friend told her, it was shoot the mesenger.

MilesHuntsWig · 01/06/2017 16:33

OP. I'd ignore the slut shaming trolls on here for a start and listen to the more reasonable posters.

You've done nothing wrong obviously. While I'd want to know if I were this idiot's fiancé it depends how well you can distance yourself from the fallout TBH. If you do tell her I'd keep it factual and short.

Good luck.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 01/06/2017 16:37

I'd want to know too, especially if I intended to marry him.

I

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 16:42

AlwaysCcakeTime

Me?

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 16:43

HornyTortoise

Whereas I can't imagine not wanting to know someone's relationship status before sleeping with them.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 01/06/2017 16:51

He didn't lie. He just didn't tell her the whole truth. But I am not surprised by that, she had only just met him.

He DID lie - his profile said he was single.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 01/06/2017 16:52

Trifle

It wouldn't have dawned on me to ask someone if they were single. I'd assume we both were if we were actively seeking to meet people.

The world is indeed bonkers if you HAVE to ask someone if they are single before sleeping with them.

Roomster101 · 01/06/2017 16:53

At the end of it the person in the wrong is the one who has done wrong. The OP is not a child, she did nothing wrong, as much as you're trying to make out she did.

Where exactly have I suggested that he wasn't in the "wrong"? For that matter where have I said that OP was in the wrong. Where or not she is a child is completely irrelevant..

hollyisalovelyname · 01/06/2017 16:57

I'd so want to know.
I'd be heart broken but better now than later.
At least I could go into the marriage with my eyes open.

Vroomster · 01/06/2017 16:57

Some of the replies on here.Hmm

Of course you should tell her. At least give her the choice, it's up to her what she does with the information. I would want to know.

Mustang27 · 01/06/2017 16:58

How about you set up an anonymous email account take screen shots of all the conversations you guys have had. List your date times and places. Make sure you black out your name and profile info. Just say that you are absolutely gutted that he has a girlfriend and explain how you found out about her. Make sure to let her know you have no design nor desire to ever see him again but if you were in her shoes you would want to know. That way she can email you back or choose to ignore it.

It's crazy that he thinks he can get away with this an I doubt you are the first nor the last plus he may not be sleeping with anyone else that he is meeting protected so you would also be doing her a favour by protecting her sexual health.

She may ignore it I had a friend that had all the proof her boyfriend had another long term gf and she just buried her head in the sand until he dumped her to move in with other long term gf. People do strange things when it comes to love.

SuperFlyHigh · 01/06/2017 17:03

I think I'd tell her but as I stated before, be careful in case she doesn't believe you.

Another friend of a friend (none of the men I knew were partners of close friends they were more friends of friends etc) I recall I went to friend of friend's birthday drinks in a pub. Her boyfriend is there, we share a common career path and he texted me or asked to swap texts... Perfectly business like. Next thing I know he's coming onto me. I told his GF and she thanked me and dumped him.

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 17:05

Theycalledmethewildrose

Well I think that is naive. The world of OLD definitely includes lots of people just looking for a shag.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/06/2017 17:07

Hi OP,

Just found this thread and skimmed through it. Was hoping by the time I'd got to the end you'd have told her - ditch the cheating wanker right in it! He totally deserves and for all those people saying "ooh, well, it's nothing to do with you" - he effing lied to you and then slept with you!! Of course it is something to do with you.

I would go with your original suggestions of sending her an email though. Don't embarrass her in public. Chances are she''ll either cry or accuse you of being a liar.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

Oh, and ignore all the trolls. Hmm

Sallystyle · 01/06/2017 17:18

She may be a woman who is faced with a lot of signs of what her partner is really like and for whatever reason she isn't ready to admit it to herself yet. She isn't going to believe your message. It's amazing what people can convince themselves of when they aren't ready to face the truth.

I would keep my nose firmly out. I am never sure of people's motives when they want to tell. Despite people claiming it's because they care so much about a woman they don't know it pretty much always comes across as they actually just want revenge and are disguising it under being 'caring'.

I won't get involved in other people's relationships as a rule. No one thanks you for it and I don't want any drama that might come from it. Yes the man is a cunt and it's horrible thinking this woman might end up devastated a few years down the line but I don't think it is your place to try to save her. When she is ready to open her eyes she will do so. I can guarantee that there are signs that he is an arsehole and right now she just doesn't want to see them.

Get on with your life and let her deal with hers. You don't need to save her, she probably won't listen to you or thank you.

I know you think it would make you feel better that you have done a Good Thing and saved a woman from marrying an arse. The reality will probably be very different.

Faceicle · 01/06/2017 17:28

How are your dcs doing?

Craicvac · 01/06/2017 17:28

I'm amazed at all the people saying that she probably already knows/ is in an open relationship. For every one that you hear about where that is the situation, how many hundreds of threads are there where women either have suspicions and are being gaslighted because they can't prove it, or had no idea their OH was cheating? And if she does happen to fall in the first category, then she'll just say 'yeah, I know' and everyone goes on with their lives.

OP, because he's been to your house, I would not let on who you are... I think an email with a link to his profile is doing enough to give her a heads up without placing you in potential danger. If I got something like that, my first assumption would be that an acquaintance had come across his profile but didn't want to tell me to my face.... it might not be the whole truth, but gives her ammunition and keeps you out of the firing line.

ThreeForAPound · 01/06/2017 17:30

You've got two choices here. You can either:

a) Chalk this up to experience, block and delete him and moe on with your life.

OR

b) Tell his girlfriend and start a potential shit storm of epic proportions in your life that may well drag on and on.

The girlfriend isn't your problem. The guy isn't your problem. You don't know her. You barely know him. Move along.

Unless, of course, you like the drama....

Giddyaunt18 · 01/06/2017 17:33

Send her an anonymous card with the dating website printed inside. she doesn't need to know it comes from you and you don't know how many others he has bedded!

PollyPerky · 01/06/2017 17:35

OP, because he's been to your house, I would not let on who you are... I think an email with a link to his profile is doing enough to give her a heads up without placing you in potential danger.

Errr- she'd have to create a new, anon email surely or it would give the game away.

unless he is at this with a load of women, every day of the week, won't he know who has spilled the beans?