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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
Lofari · 01/06/2017 14:56

As much as I agree she should know what a cuntnugget she's marrying , I think it's a very risky situation for you with him knowing where you live OP. He isn't exactly going to thank you for telling her.

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 14:56

Personally, I wouldn't tell her. You know nothing about their relationship, whether they have an open relationship, whether it is even true that they are engaged. He didn't tell you he was single - you just assumed. I would just leave it alone.

haveacupoftea · 01/06/2017 14:57

Fake profile and screenshot of the dating profile. I wouldn't bother with the texts and things as that will out you and you don't want any hassle.

LottieandMia · 01/06/2017 14:58

There really aren't many people who have open relationships. And those that do wouldn't be posing as single.

kali110 · 01/06/2017 15:01

Op i'd want to know if my dh was cheating.
Don't go to her work though!
You can set up a new facebook and make it completely private so she wouldn't know when you joined.
When i had facebook it was private.
Send her the link to his dating site and the screenshots.

AlwaysCcakeTime · 01/06/2017 15:07

Why should it be the OP's responsibility to 'to check that they aren't attached in the first place.', surely it's the lying cheating scumbags responsibility to not be a lying cheating scumbag. . . . .

OP, tell her, I've been the 'messenger', as it happened it turned out well for her, with a decent bloke, not the scumbag.

And I've been called a liar (DP ex-forces, lots of good men lots of scumbags).

You don't know this woman, maybe she'll go one way maybe the other , but at least she'll know the truth.

And email would be the best way to go

Roomster101 · 01/06/2017 15:33

Why should it be the OP's responsibility to 'to check that they aren't attached in the first place.', surely it's the lying cheating scumbags responsibility to not be a lying cheating scumbag. . . . .

That is a really stupid statement. Do you tell your children to talk to anyone they like on the internet and perhaps meet up with them because it is up to the stranger not to be a paedophile or murderer? Or do you tell them to be aware that not everyone is who they appear to be and they need to be careful because they rather the stranger will be the ones to suffer if they aren't.

user1487941567 · 01/06/2017 15:38

Tell her OP. I was seeing a guy for years and had an incling towards the end that he was seeing someone else - who had no idea about me. I messaged her. She was really nice and had her own suspicions that he'd been seeing us both at the same time. We both dumped him.

lookatyourwatchnow · 01/06/2017 15:44

I would really, really want to know if I was this woman. Tell her. You'll be doing her a massive favour. What a fucking tosser, men like him turn my stomach.

AlwaysCcakeTime · 01/06/2017 15:47

Roomster101 we're not talking about children here are we?????

What is your need to excuse this mans behaviour and place the blame on OP?

Seriously?

AlwaysCcakeTime · 01/06/2017 15:51

If I were to extrapolate the way you just have, I could say that you are victim blaming children who have been abused and people who have been killed. . . . .

But I'm not an eejit and wouldn't do that

FlipflopsOrWellieboots · 01/06/2017 15:51

I think the majority agree that you should tell her.

Write her an email, attach all screenshots, do not offer to meet her or discuss further, just give her the information and then block both of them.

It's not really in your interests to be part of the drama that will unfold.

PrettyBelle · 01/06/2017 15:52

I would tell absolutely tell her. Come on, this guy lied to you, led you on, slept with you while knowing all along that this is not going anywhere because he is engaged. And you liked him and trusted him.

Of course tell the girlfriend - he deserves anything that's coming from you for playing with your heart. Including breaking up his engagement - so you will also do a favour to his girlfriend because she does not want a man like that as a husband.

Roomster101 · 01/06/2017 16:04

What is your need to excuse this mans behaviour and place the blame on OP?

Another stupid comment. It doesn't matter whether you're a child or an adult you still have to be aware that strangers on the internet may not be who they seem. Stating that is not "excusing the man's behaviour" or blaming the victim anymore than it is excusing paedophiles and murderers who use the internet to lure victims. The man is obviously a total bastard who is a good liar but considering that and considering now he knows where OP lives she should be careful. If he was that worried about his fiance finding out he wouldn't have told her he had a girlfriend in the first place.

ProfessorPickles · 01/06/2017 16:07

I feel like banging my head against the wall with some of the responses on this thread.

OP literally couldn't have done anything different to avoid this. And even if she'd met him in a bar and went back to his the first time they met, there'd still be nothing more she could do and she would be fine to make that choice.

100% of the blame lies with him, how could anyone think otherwise?! Anyone who disagrees, feel free to explain what you would prefer the OP had done.
A Jeremy Kyle style lie detector?

There are men who pull off having two families in secret so how was the OP realistically supposed to know this man was engaged?

Roomster101 · 01/06/2017 16:07

If I were to extrapolate the way you just have, I could say that you are victim blaming children who have been abused and people who have been killed. . . .

Extrapolating the way you have, I could say that you think all the campaigns to make people aware of internet safety are "victim blaming".

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 16:12

ProfessorPickles

In all honesty, I can't agree with that. Before sleeping with someone - and I say this without judgement because I don't give a rat's arse whether someone else sleeps with someone else or not - I would ask what sort of relationship they were in last and what sort of relationships they might be looking for via online dating. Not in so many words, but I would make it obvious if I myself was looking for more than a casual hook-up, and I would give them the opportunity to say so if that was all they were looking for. That's just me, though.

He didn't lie. He just didn't tell her the whole truth. But I am not surprised by that, she had only just met him.

Justaboy · 01/06/2017 16:16

Tell her. Why ever shouldn't you?, he's a lying cheating bastard. If they are in some sort of open relationship which i very much doubt then she won't mind will she?.

And for the sake's of any decent genuine man who follows and the trust you'll find hard to place on them with that bastard behaving like he did.

ProfessorPickles · 01/06/2017 16:16

I see what you mean Trifle, but I'd say the fact they met through a dating site is him lying. The OP says his profile said single and these sites are for single people, or people in open relationships I suppose.

I go on these sites occasionally (mostly to people watch) and I would never even consider that any of them would be in a relationship never mind engaged, and why would I?

HornyTortoise · 01/06/2017 16:17

I wouldn't say anything. Chances are he is a manipulative person and will manage to convince the girlfriend that you are lying to try and split them up, then you end up the bad guy. Or if his girlfriend believes it, you will be made out to have got him pissed then seduced him, you end up the bad one. basically, whatever happens it is the womans fault.

Also I am not sure I would even want to know if Dh cheated on me. I know a lot of people say they would want to know, but I don't think I would. Not entirely sure why either...

PhuqIt · 01/06/2017 16:17

I would want to know.

ProfessorPickles · 01/06/2017 16:17

And if the OP had that conversation and he lied (which I assume he would, it seems he was waiting until after sex before he revealed this) would you be saying she's a fool for believing what he told her?

ThatsWotSheSaid · 01/06/2017 16:21

Some people have been vile on this thread. I slept with dp on the first date and we have been together 11 yrs and have 2 dc.
If you had to wait till you knew a guy wasn't a wanker before you shagged him all of us would be virgins. As many threads on here show men can show thier real colours after 1 date or after 10 years.

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 16:23

ProfessorPickles

I think you'd have to be quite naive not to understand that people use dating sites for casual sex and infidelity. I'm not justifying that, but he didn't lie to her. She assumed.

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 16:24

ProfessorPickles

And no, not at all. If someone tells you something that sounds plausible enough, why wouldn't you believe it?