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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
MoominFlaps · 01/06/2017 14:21

You're all misogynists where you come from, then, German?

artycakemaker · 01/06/2017 14:21

Ignore it Minnie.

RoseTico · 01/06/2017 14:22

Maybe you should just close your legs next time

You can have sex every hour of the day with your legs closed, you know...

Or you can open your legs for lots of reasons all the time and never have sex!

Can you go back and share that with all the ignorants "where you come from"?

hungryhippo90 · 01/06/2017 14:22

Op, please tell her. I know a man, does quite similar to what happened with you, he tells all manner of girls hes single, he takes them out, gets to the point where they sleep with him, he comes clean and they never hear from him again.

Last time i spoke with him, he had a girlfriend who was 7 months pregnant and he confided in me that he felt he owed it to himself.....just a treat a few times a month. he was shagging about, unprotected whilst he had a pregnant girlfriend. I always thought he was quite nice until then. I wish i had the guts to tell her what he was like. I didnt speak to him again after that. made me feel sick.

Pinkheart5917 · 01/06/2017 14:24

no, i wouldnt, it wont help you, it will harm their relationship 😂 And you don't think him putting his cock in to another women and showing no respect for his dp harms the relationship?

OP did nothing to harm this mans relationship, she was on a dating site, said she was single and had sex ( becuase in 2017 women can have sex whenever they like Shock ) HE joined a dating site and has been having sex with others ( I highly doubt OP was the first) despite having a relationship

Would some people on this thread honestly not want to know, do you really believe ignorance is bliss? You'd want to stand in a church marrying a man you love intending to spend your life with him and not know his been shagging around?
Don't get me wrong if someone told me my dh was cheating it would really hurt as I love him very much but I'd rather be the one to decide if I wanted to stay married to him or not.

At least if OP tells her she can then make an informed decision about if she wants to marry a cheat or not

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/06/2017 14:24

I slept with my dp the night we met.
So God knows what youd call me.
Reading between the lines. I can sense the green eyed monster. Been a while as it Sausage. Wink.
Plus op didn't shag herself. Where's his criticism.

Billben · 01/06/2017 14:26

German you are pathetic.

If I was in your shoes, I would find a way to tell his girlfriend. If he is capable of doing this 6 months before getting married, believe me he won't stop after he has a ring on his finger. Poor girlfriend. Save her the trouble of having to go through the break up a few years down the line with a couple of kids in tow. I know I would want to know if my fiancée was actively looking for people to sleep around with.

frogsgoladidahdidah · 01/06/2017 14:29

Poor you, and poor fiancé! She does need to be told.

I don't see the point of doing anything anonymously, it will come back to you due to the message content.

I think doing it in a gentle, face to face manner is the kindest thing to do. (But not while she is at work.) Could you maybe meet her after work? It will be hard, and she will probably shoot the messenger, but my heart goes out to her, poor thing.

Underthemoonlight · 01/06/2017 14:29

I would say tell by email she has a right to know before she marries him.

Billben · 01/06/2017 14:30

Oh, and I did sleep with my DH the night I first met him (been chatting to him for 2 weeks beforehand). 11 years this month that we've been married😉

SumThucker · 01/06/2017 14:31

I didn't mean you're being deliberately malicious wanting to tell her, Minnie, more of a case of lashing out when we're hurt/angry. Apologies if you think I was being horrible.

As I said in my first post, ultimately I'd want to know if it was me being cheated on.

ExConstance · 01/06/2017 14:32

I would tell her. Firstly he deceived you and led you to believe he was single. this wasn't a much regretted drunken fumble between friends but he actually groomed you for sex in a situation where you wouldn't have agreed if you knew the truth. Secondly he is still out there on the dating site waiting for he next victim to come along. This is something very different to a one off fall from grace. If she doesn't find out she will be living in an entirely false world of happiness.

Roomster101 · 01/06/2017 14:32

I actually find it really sad that a small minority automatically see it as an act of revenge - do you really have so much suspicion in your lives that you feel everyone is out to get everyone.

I certainly don't have "so much suspicion" of people who I actually know and are ny friends. However, it was pretty naive to have not realised that many strangers on the internet are not all they seem.

I'm not a supporting "lying cheating bastards" when I say that you would be doing it for revenge and I'm not even suggesting that you shouldn't get revenge if that is what you want to do. Just be honest about your motivation.

hiimmumma · 01/06/2017 14:34

This happened to a friend of mine.
Her long term boyfriend was trying it on with someone and sending very suggestive messages - all in a way that made me think this wasn't the first time he had done this either.
The girl knew he had a girlfriend and so she screen grabbed everything and took it to my other friend, someone she knew was close to the girlfriend, rather that to her directly.

@Minnievintage do you know of anyone that is friends with this girl that you could approach.
They would me more inclined to believe you / not shoot the messenger. And would know better how to approach the girlfriend with the information.

What an awful situation. I wouldn't be able to keep quiet.

loopyloppy · 01/06/2017 14:34

Op for fuck's sake stop giving these idiots any responses.

I think you should tell her! My God I'd want to know.

What if they have children and he does it to her a few years down the kind and she's trapped with the bastard for ever?

TurquoiseDress · 01/06/2017 14:35

just be a bit more careful in the future

Hmm

Such a load of patronising, sanctimonious bollocks on this thread

The OP spent 3 weeks messaging this guy and getting to know him via the dating website, then had 1 date followed by another one where they ended up having sex and his casually mentions he has a girlfriend.

There's quite a bit of tone on this thread where posters are insinuating that it's somehow the OP's fault for going out and meeting with a bloke, and shock horror, having sex with him.

Like she should meekly withdraw and forget it ever happened so as not to ruffle any feathers.

Bugger that entirely!

I would want this woman to know about her scumbag darling fiance

But I would most certainly not being going to her place of work or doing it in person

What she does with the information is up to her, obviously

Roomster101 · 01/06/2017 14:39

I don't think it is OP's "fault" at all just as it is never anyone's fault it they are duped by a stranger on the internet. However, if you are going to upset to find the person you have slept with has a girlfriend/fiance/wife as OP obviously is then it would be a good idea to check that they aren't attached in the first place.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/06/2017 14:40

If I were the fiancé, I would want to know. I mean, I'd be gutted as fuck to find out that he was a lying cheating shitbag, but I'd rather know that and break the wedding off before marrying him and then finding out, possibly some years and a couple of sprogs later!

So yes, email her. Screenshot his dating site profile and send that to her.
Maybe even some of the texts if you still have them - but not the really explicit ones (if it got that far).
But enough that he can't wriggle his way out of it.

Although I would consider setting up a separate email account to do it, with a different name from your usual one.

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 01/06/2017 14:42

Yes tell her, sorry you've been put in this situation. He sounds an absolute dick

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/06/2017 14:43

I presume that's my message youre quoting there Turquoise

It's not patronising at all. I have been on these date sites long enough now to know that a few weeks of messaging and meeting twice is not enough to guage whether someone is genuine or into you or not. You have to take every thing they say with a pinch of salt. I'm not talking about OP having sex, she's an adult, she can do what she likes and I certainly wouldn't sit in judgement of that. You do have to be careful on these sites though, that's all I'm saying, it's very easy on social media to create a whole new personality. There are a lot of strange ones and odd balls on there and you just have to be cautious. Believe me, I know!

user1482079332 · 01/06/2017 14:45

I'd want to know. Some people would rather bury head in the sand and blame you. Id send screenshots of dating sight messages ext. Guys a pig

BaDumShh · 01/06/2017 14:45

@Minnievintage do you know of anyone that is friends with this girl that you could approach.
They would me more inclined to believe you / not shoot the messenger. And would know better how to approach the girlfriend with the information.

This is an excellent suggestion - the fiance's friends probably have suspicions that he is a bit of a scumbag and would be more inclined to believe you. If you can approach any of them, this might work well.

SmashingInAthleticWear · 01/06/2017 14:49

100% on your side, Minnie, god knows why you're getting such shit Confused Definitely don't go to her work though!

Yes maybe she's aware what he's like, well then there's no harm done in telling her, is there? Seems far more likely to me that she doesn't, and she deserves to know before she marries him.

Figglesticks · 01/06/2017 14:53

Email her. Don't say who you are just show her the evidence and move on. If she chooses to try and salvage her relationship or pretend it hasn't happened that is her prerogative. If it were me, I would want to know to protect my sexual health. He may have used a condom with you but who has he slept with where he hasn't?

PopcornBits · 01/06/2017 14:55

You absolutely must tell her!! Do not allow her to ruin her life by marrying this man who will only further break their potential future family (if they don't already have kids) apart by cheating again.