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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell his girlfriend I slept with him?

705 replies

Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 09:29

I'm on a well known dating site, been single for 3 years. I started talking to this guy who lives in my area but I don't know.

We got on really really well, and after 3 weeks of chatting on the dating site he suggested we meet. I was really into him so I agreed. So 2 weekends ago we met up at a pub that he suggested about 15 miles away from where we both lived - at the time it didn't cross my mind to think it was odd.

We got on really really well and I fancied the pants off him. It's been a long time since I found someone I connected with and fancied like that so I was so excited. We kissed at the end of the night very passionately. We then spent all of that week texting each other as he gave me his phone number - great I thought, this could end my dry spell!!!!

Weekend just gone, I suggested we meet again. He was abit hesitant said he had a few things on. Things had started to get progressively more sexual in the conversations between us so when I made a joke about something quite suggestive he quickly changed his tune and said we could meet at the weekend.

To cut a long story short, he came to my house and I cooked a meal for us and after too many wines we ended up sleeping together. He got out of bed afterwards and started to get dressed saying he had to go but wasn't off with me at all. I then asked what he was doing on the Sunday and he replied "I'm seeing my girlfriend!!!" To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement!!

I don't have Facebook but my friend did some digging and she's found out who is girlfriend is and they are engaged due to be married at Christmas. I don't know his girlfriend personally but I know of her. AIBU to tell her what happened? I know of it was me getting married I would want to know!

OP posts:
Lynnm63 · 01/06/2017 13:30

If it were me in the gf shoes I'd want to know. She may not believe you but she'll not forget it. In future if someone else emails her with the same thing how many times can he spin the 'it's a fake profile'. If it were me in your shoes I'd tell the gf. You can then move on knowing you've not kept his secret. You haven't done anything wrong op, he has. His gf deserves the facts so she can make an informed choice to marry the cheating twat.

Lynnm63 · 01/06/2017 13:31

Forgot to say email do she can read, digest it in private. Do not drop this bombshell at her place of work.

Willyoujustbequiet · 01/06/2017 13:33

Please tell her. Do the poor lass a favour.

Not face to face though. That's not fair on her. Screenshot everything.

DesertSky · 01/06/2017 13:34

Yes do tell her. They are engaged to be married. Poor woman!

Roomster101 · 01/06/2017 13:36

It's certainly not for my own agenda - what will I gain from it?

Your agenda is revenge and you are being rather disingenuous to suggest it is anything else. I doubt that you would interfere with a stranger's relationship in any other situation.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 01/06/2017 13:36

Get yourself tested for STI.

DesertSky · 01/06/2017 13:36

I would start off by saying you are so sorry that you are sending this email and wish you weren't in this position, but as a woman to another woman you feel she has every right to know. I would apologise profusely and made it clear you had no idea he was with somebody else. Send screenshots (or volunteer to if she wants to see them).
Good luck OP. You've been used by this cheating pig too so I'm sorry you've experienced this as well x

Rantymare · 01/06/2017 13:37

Set up a fake fb profile and send her the link to his dating site.
Tell her you're a friend of his and don't want to keep shut about it but want to remain anonymous. Wait until she's seen the msg then delete profile .

PollyPerky · 01/06/2017 13:38

Have you thought she may know already and be happy to take him on as a philanderer? Not all women want faithfulness.

And he was a bit of a dick telling you anyway- he could have used another excuse.

Which makes me think he is either thick or their relationship is such he'd not care if she knew.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 13:39

Roomster well of course not because I wouldn't have proof with any other random persons relationship Confused

I actually find it really sad that a small minority automatically see it as an act of revenge - do you really have so much suspicion in your lives that you feel everyone is out to get everyone.

Personally I am a supporter of a women. If you want to be a supporter of cheating arse holes that's totally your choice

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 01/06/2017 13:39

Definitely ditch the idea of going to her work, that would be terribly embarrassing for her and she's more likely to lash out at you through shock.

I had suggested sending a printout if the OLD profile addressed to her at her work. No note and no comment, just the basic information.

An email might also work but you do risk it going into spam and never being read, as a "you don't know me" from a new address and containing a link to an OLD site is exactly the kind of things that spam filters are designed to detect.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/06/2017 13:42

I'm not sure as She may not thank you. In fact. She may see it as you rubbing salt in her wounds.

I think id just forget about it and move on.
Hopefully she'll find out herself what a prick he is.

givemethecake · 01/06/2017 13:42

I wouldn't go to her work to tell her if I were you. The chances of her going mad are quite high and could get her in trouble with her work too. (Not saying it would be right for her to go mad, but obviously she isn't going to be happy about it)

I would just email or something and delete her after she has read the emails and sees what he's actually like. He will probably try and lie his way out of it, and she will probably believe him, so full proof of text and the dating account is far more believable then a face to face chat with someone you don't even know.

You won't be the only other girl he's been with. Please tell her, this isn't fair and she doesn't deserve this.

PollyPerky · 01/06/2017 13:43

I think you may well find out she knows already and turns a blind eye.

Someone in my family received an anon note from someone like you -with good intentions. They already knew and you know what- the marriage lasted for another 40 years.

Keep out of it.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 01/06/2017 13:45

I wouldn't actually blame you for wanting revenge. It wouldn't be nice, but even the loveliest of people have their limits and we all have an ugly side. I can think a few people I'd like to see come a cropper (not in a terrible way, just to be exposed for what they are) after having wronged me in the past.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/06/2017 13:46

Fucking hell if you are going to tell her don't go to her place of work to do it.
The poor women is the innocent one here. I don't think she should be humiliated because her brute of a fella shagged someone else.

SumThucker · 01/06/2017 13:47

do you really have so much suspicion in your lives that you feel everyone is out to get everyone.

I have no suspicion, thanks.

From reading the thread and your comments, it is my personal opinion that you have been stung by this man's actions, because you felt you were getting on well.
You probably feel used and a little silly that you've been led down the garden path.
You now wish to tell his girlfriend, so much so you've considered going to her work.
It is my personal opinion that you want to tell her ultimately to make yourself feel better, rather than helping his girlfriend.

Personally I am a supporter of a women. If you want to be a supporter of cheating arse holes that's totally your choice

Don't be ridiculous.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/06/2017 13:47

Also who's to say they don't have an open relationship

cheeeekyavocado · 01/06/2017 13:50

no, i wouldnt, it wont help you, it will harm their relationship

Fucking hell

Their 'relationship' is dead in the water anyway.

Why do people often think it's not a good idea to tell in these situations?!

Tell her.

100% tell her.

She needs to know what a dickhead she is planning to marry so she can make a decision knowing the full picture.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 01/06/2017 13:50

I think I would set up a new anonymous email address and send a link to his dating profile.

He would never know it was you, it could be anyone that has seen him on there and knows her.

Raffles1981 · 01/06/2017 13:50

I'm with Allthebestnamesareused - send her his dating profile, anonymously if you are worried about being dragged into it. She needs to know this scumbag is playing away before dedicating her whole life to him. Better she gets told now, than years down the line, with kids involved.

BlurryFace · 01/06/2017 13:51

I wouldn't bother, OP. A childhood friend I'd reconnected with on FB went from reminiscing to trying to get me to meet up in person, saying how gorgeous I was, what kind of stuff he wanted to do, denying that he was engaged....

I sent screen shots to the fiancee who basically called me a lying crazy bitch. Women in this position will want to shoot the messenger to save face and stay in denial about their bloke.

Original poster
Minnievintage · 01/06/2017 13:54

i have no suspicion, thanks

Don't be ridiculous.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/06/2017 13:55

It's so ridiculous to say anyone who says you shouldn't tell her is a cheating arse hole supported or moronic as PP said.

From my side I am just pointing out that there may be repercussions if you chose to involve yourself any further, you may open up a whole can of worms and put yourself through unneccessary shit....for someone you don't know and don't owe anything to. She may well be aware, they could have an open relationship, you just don't know. You certainly can't make the assumtion based on a few fb posts that she is bessotted with him. I know a couple who going by fb you would imagine they are totally in love. Truth is their marriage is a sham, he is fucking aroud, she knows about it but choses to ignore it so really you cannot summise this girl is besotted.

So yeah, be a supporter of women, do whatever makes you feel good, but just be prepared for the fall out and being made out to be the bad guy because the chances are that is what will happen. Or.....you could just move on with your life, learn a lesson that whatever any guy says to you on these date sites is a load of old crap and just be a bit more careful in the future.

SumThucker · 01/06/2017 13:56

You mentioned suspicion in my own life.

I have plenty about your motives.